good afternoon!


it has been only a few days and my mood has declined drastically. it almost feels like the declining of the soviet union, it only requires one more event to really break me down. i am making history jokes, this is pathetic! wells, much has happened. although i try, it's hard to when you're constantly being reminded of what is going on around you. and the time i have to myself to reflect, has really brought much insight to my current situation. and all these thoughts about how i arrived at this spot here, right now. the decisions i made, the decisions forced upon me, the friends i made, the people i neglected, everything just seems to be a 'what if' right now. and trust me, it is very much horrible. considering the fact that 'what if' questions are more often than not just dreaming and dreaming can be bad for a person. especially when dreams provide a much sweeter tale than the reality of life, and we would rather be locked in the world of dreams than face the harsh reality of life. it's sad, really. and i don't want to end up like that, no. i would much rather make something out of myself in this reality than spend my time dreaming and ending up with nothing.


when i was in primary school, i never really thought about where i wanted to go. maybe to secondary school, and than to junior college, but i had definitely wanted to go to university. blame the television shows that potray university life as one which is really exciting. but i personally think it will be, you have a wider area and scope to cover and you have more free reign especially in the topics you're learning. but let's not divert from my main point. but after i went to secondary school, my grades started to drop because i really couldn't careless about my studies. that was until secondary 2, when mrs tan, woke us our of our slumber. and then i knew what i wanted. and i was willing to work for it. on to junior college, followed by university. at the big 'o's, i did it. i got into the junior college i had wanted for so long. but one year into school, and everything changed. i still loved the school yes. i still had plently of good things to say about the school. but if you asked me for my experience in the school, i would most be only talking for two minutes. after all, there are some people who require recognition. i had always thought it was going to be much better in junior college, everyone was older and supposedly more mature. and boy was i in for a huge shock. but when school first started, i had thought that i had found a group of good friends. but, apparently i was wrong. another thing that has changed is that i've somewhat changed my pattern in school, i suppose. i know last time, i was always dying to bump into some people. just to see them, or just to say hi. but now, i avoid them like the plage. if you're wondering if it's you, ask yourself, do you see me around anymore? if the answer is no, than you're most probably one of the persons i'm avoiding. friendships seem to shatter so easily when you've neglected it for too long. but some of them, they just die out, no matter how much time or effort you put into keeping that relationship alive. but now, there is another matter. and i would greatly appreciate it if you could help me make a decision on this one. graduation night. i want to go, and yet, i have this sinking feeling that when i go, i'm just going to be stuck there all night with nothing much to do aside from look at my phone and fake my smile the entire night. and yet, there are some people i would love to see at graduation night. and so i'm stuck in this dilemma. should i go or should i not go? the cons to going also include the price of the dress, i want to get a vintage dress, that's why!, the price for the graduation night. i would most probably ask aunty veron to help with my make up. and the accessories, i think i've got enough for something to match the dress. and pros of going is that i'd be able to get that vintage dress for a valid reason, i'd get to see some of my school mates for hopefully not the last time but how often do you see them all dressed up in formal gowns? i really don't know what i am going to do about it. i have already paid the deposit...and it is not refundable. i was resigned to going, the day they said that we had to hand in the deposit. but these last few days in school, it has just served to open my eyes and make me question if i really still want to go. i do not want to talk about my class, because i'm not yet suicidal and i don't want to be. not yet anyway. what shall i do? *sigh*


i wrote a short story in class today. i did it during break, because i really didn't feel like doing maths. although i did, for the last half an hour or so. but yes, it is a 500word short story. i was intending to make it one scene out of a whole story. but i have yet to finish my other stories online, so maybe i'd just keep it on hold first =X and here it is. enjoy!

joseph leaned casually against the doorframe, the cool air brushing against his skin. leanne was practicing her steps, wholely absorbed in her image in the mirror. the swan princess theme song was playing softly in the background, the soothing music washing over joseph in waves as he felt his anger fade into nothingness, slipping out of his grasp like a pice of silk cloth. leanne closed her eyes as she twirlled, keeping her eyes open always left her giddy. when the tape tripped, leanne stopped mid twirl, losing her balance. her hands instinctively moved back to break her fall but she never met the cold floor as two arms wrapped themselves around her and pulled her against a warm chest.
"benjamin?" leanne quesioned as she felt the arms holding her tense up.
"it's me," joseph answered gruffly, clenching his jaw at the thought of benjamin holding her so intimately. leanna closed her eyes and leaned into his warmth, surrendering herself to his will.
"how was your day?" joseph whispered into her hair, closing his eyes briefly to enjoy the moment before resuming his watch on the partially open door.
"i have been practising for the opening night, will you be there?" leanna looked up, her arms circling around his waist.
"yes, i wouldn't miss it for the world." joseph smiled down at leanna. she unsuspectingly tip toed and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.
"leanne!" joseph chided, "don't do that." leanna looked taken back as she shrinked slightly away from him.
"i'm sorry baby girl, i'm still on an edge after our last encounter," joseph ran his hands lovingly along her arms, pulling her closer to him.
"do you still love m?" leanne whispered, closing her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder.
"of course i still do baby girl," joseph whispered against her hair.
"say you love me," leanne whispered desperately, struggling against her internal doubts.
"i love you leanne hillstrung, it will always be you," joseph reassured her, using his hand to tilt her head to look at him. leanna managed a smile as joseph cast a glance at the door before lowering his head to kiss her. unlike their usual desperate kisses. the kiss was slow as both parties delighted in the familar feel of one another's lips. leanne closed her eyes and revelled in the rare feel of joseph's arms around her while he took his time to kiss her. joseph relaxed under leanne's touch but still kept a ear open for any approaching footsteps. leanne felt the familar burn building up in the pit of her stomach as she reached between them to un button joseph's buttons.
"no leanne," joseph broke the kiss and whispered against her lips, his hands coming between them to stop her hands.
"i won't let him be my frist," leanne whispered, clear pain in her voice.
"i will never let him touch you," joseph pulled leanne into his embrace, burying his face in her hair. the lovers settled into a comfortable silence.

i hope you had enjoyed that! i might expand on it when i am officially finished with will you stay? and the bomb as well as untitled. but do review! constructive critism is very much appreciate *smiles*


i feel slightly better now. writing really does lift my spirits. wells, it is benjamin's birthday in three days. as well as my mummy's birthday. i really have to go and complete his present =X i will blog another day. and the next topic will most probably be on love. i had started writing in my phone the other day when a thought hit me. and i might also be including some poems that i used to write. they aren't exactly top class, but i guess they are rather meaningful. but if they really aren't, don't blame me! i was only what, secondary school? hahas! anyhow, take care. keep on smiling. always remember that there are no strangers in the world, only friends we have not met. so always smile, you never know when you're going to save someone's life. god bless! love you.

<3 you always