good evening.

this might most probably be my last post before the examinations. i will refrain from coming online, or even coming to my blog during the exam period. i know how much concentration i need. especially now, with all this situations taking place for no reasons. there has been a lot of thinking being done, despite my ardent objections. because i always know that when amanda thinks too much, the world suddenly stops spinning on its axis and travels into a whole different solar system. which if you do not understand, the world is twisted upside down and all her judgements are hindered by her obvious feelings. and i'm very sorry, but i really need to get this all out before it begins to pull me down into that dark abyss of nothingness.


it always seems to revert back to him. sometimes i hate myself for even thinking about him but, what am i suppose to do with such an abrubt ending? there were no explanations, no warning, nothing. it just happened one day out of the blue, and the most surprising thing? i met you three days before it happened! i don't understand, why didn't you say anything then? don't give me some shit lame excuse about not wanting to deal with my tears, or my questions. you were breaking up with me for goodness sake! but when i think back on it now, you always took the easier way out. jilian, joycelyn and now me. were there anyone else? any secret lover i didn't know about? but i don't care about them now, not anymore anyway. i got on with my life, buried myself as much as i could in my books, occupied myself with as much as i could and looked at your photo daily, and evantually i got over you. i told myself, that if i ever saw you again, with or without your parents, it wasn't going to matter because i'd just walk by. because you were worth my time, my tears, my love, once. but now, i hardly think you're worthy of anything. perhaps all i really want to give you now is friendship. nothing more, nothing less. even then, i always thought it was a ploy and that you had meant every word that left your lips. but seeing her reaction on sunday, i doubt she was the one who wrote that letter. despite the structure, the language, the spelling, i guess it really was you who wrote that letter. how you're much better off without me with a "better and brighter" future. how it happened was a mistake. how i was not your "dream girl" and you mistook what you felt for love. how you wanted me not stop talking to your friends. and how you couldn't give a damn about what happened to me anymore. i've had people around me, friends who kept telling me to trust in you. to believe in your love. they told me that it didn't sound like you at all, that you would never write such an out of character letter. but how am i suppose to do that when you avoid me like the plague? i guess whatever happened really was just a fairytale and as they say, we live in the real world not a land where fairytales come true. and you were once my angel, but i guess you failed your own promise of protecting me.


well, now that is off my chest, i really do feel much better. although now, i am deciding if i should have my fun with you. after all, i did miss out the chance off annoying the living day lights out of you when we broke up. and besides, it does still look as though you're mother's terrfied of me stealing her precious baby. but does she know what how many girl's you've been through? or the late night calls you sneaked behind her back? does she know her innocent son isn't as innocent as she like to think he is? i could shatter her image of you, and all i need to do is write one short and extremely sweet letter. but i suppose seeing as how we were once together, maybe i'd let you off with a lighter sentence. i've always been said to have a soft spot for my past relations. i guess they weren't wrong either. anyhow, this would obviously have to come after my exams. i need to concentrate now, and this whole revenge thing? it's going to be great, and trust me, i'd enjoy every minute of it.


before i continue further, there is someone special that has to be mentioned. i know we haven't been on the best term as of lately. and i suppose you should know the reason to that. i refuse to take full responsibility. but nevertheless, today is your special day and who am i to spoil that? i'm not exactly that special person anymore am i? happy 21st birthday elvin wee. i hope you had a good day, desite being in camp. and although i doubt you'd ever find this blog, i wish you and her the best a relationship has to offer. although i do hope you'd at least try and wear the pants in the relationship but i suppose, since every guy i know whose in a relationship doesn't wear the pants, i can't blame you for trying to not shock me from my current state of mind. on a much brighter note, i decided not to get your something this year. i figured i really shouldn't try and play the third party role since i haven't got the time. but always know, you'd always have a part of my heart. always. and no, we don't need to be in a love-love relationship for me to give that part of my heart to you. i just need you to get that into your thick head before i give you that piece of my heart.


also, to another special someone. i know this may sound vague and all, but i don't really want to put your name here. i highly doubt you'd appreciate it. but i suppose once i start apologizing, you'd realize who you are. well, that is if you read this lowly blog of mine =X and always know, no matter what, i'd always love you (: yes, so on with what i wanted you to know. i am sorry for last weekend, as well as during the week. maybe it's the exam that is getting me on edge, or maybe it's all because of the sudden apperance of someone in particular. but nevertheless, that is still no excuse for my behaviour. i really do hope you like what i did for you, and if you don't like it. don't tell me, trust me. it's just, sometimes i hope you'd be there for me, just like you always say you will but when i needed you the most, you aren't there. and then with this shit happening with him, it just pushes me off the edge. and it's not like you don't know how easily riled up i am. i guess maybe sometimes i expect too much, but you always say you're going to be there for me and i'm a person who holds other people to their promises. i just hope you can forgive me, and that maybe we'd go back to how we were before he decided to drop back in. i miss bullying you *pouts* well, until your computer is fixed, i doubt you'd read this but i do hope you'd forgive me. i'd message you again next month, on the 6th. i love you, i hope you know that.


now that all those three things are off my chest, i can start worrying about tomorrow's exam! hahas. general paper, i am determined to concentrate and do my best as well as to never give up! i really should start preparing for bed as well as packing my school bag! wells, wish me luck and i'd see you reader in two weeks! take care and god bless. all my love!

<3 you always