good evening.


it is mid week! finally! *gets down on knees and bow to heaven* i started work on monday and it really wasn't that bad, getting back into the flow of things. i did almost fall asleep on the desk front desk but one of the girls managed to get out the data entry for me to do. which means i get to work with the computer. i love the computer yes, but i also love my books. although my dreams of sitting around all day and reading my books has been dashed, somewhat, i'll get by. after all, looking at how slow that computer moves, i'd be able to get some reading in between *smiles widely* lunch time has almost transformed into chinese speaking lessons coupled with tolerance lessons. the new accountant, she's sweet but she is totally chinese speaking and smokes. the smoking part doesn't irk me as much anymore no, i'm not a smoker. because she always does it when she's alone or when she's waiting for me. the chinese part though, i just need to get over my shame of not being able to speak fluently in chinese and then, i'll be all set. today's lunch however has been successful. we discussed things, families, boyfriends and i brought her to the library! ahh, the wonderful sensation of being surrounded by books. if i had a choice, i wouldn't be working and i'd be at the library, reading from 10am until 6pm. anyhow, it was an interesting experience to say the least. other than that, everything has somewhat returned to normal. i've got a dinner date with aunt veron and lynn and gosh am i excited. after that we'd be going back to aunt veron's house to borrow one of her luggage for me! i'm planning to take the biggest one but we'll see how heavy it is first. because mother has made it quite clear that i'll be carrying my own lagguage *groans* i would say that this week has been a great improvement and at least, one aspect of my life is beginning to settle down.


i still cannot believe that my church life is going to always be this exciting! and whoever said church life was boring should try experiencing it once in a while. and i don't mean, standing ten paces away observing. i mean, getting in there and getting all this crap thrown onto you. trust me, if you want to spice up your life a bit, you should try it out. and you never know, you might find god in the chaos. well, the situation is still horrible and i am still dreading to go to church. but that isn't the main problem as of yet, the main problem is still her. let me ask you this, could you ever text something extremely hurtful to someone close to you and than act like nothing is wrong the next time you see them? i know i wouldn't. i'd be overwhemled with guilt, shame, anguish. guilt if i had done the deed out of anger. shame if i had done the deed out of anger and was unable to control my anger. anguish if deep down inside, i still carry the flame of hope that things between us could get better. but everyone is unipue in they're own way so my feelings are not necessarily felt by everyone, especially her. but back to the situation. how could someone i had seen as warm, loving and kind say such hurtful words and then act like she did nothing wrong? it really makes me wonder if she had warmth to begin with or that all along she had been stringing us along when deep down inside, she's almost as cold as the north pole. maybe i had my suspicions before, i admit. how she'd scoff at situations/people, how she'd close people out and put them out and how well she carried her wealth. but as you can see, i purged them. she was suppose to become someone close to me, god given, they called it. i still wondered though, how she ended up with him, it just seems like such an unlikely match. but now isn't the time to question it, it only proves that love does overcome everything. so we're stuck in this situation. my mother, she's ok with acting like nothing has happened, play along. how does she expect me to play along? after rebelling against the authorities the first few incidents, i began to play along and took almost everything in my stride but how did that work out? i was played, cheated, made a fool of and destroyed. trust me, i'm still majorly pissed about that rumor. i should be flattered that every available guy in church would want to sleep with me but that silver lining isn't that shiny, really. so if you really think i'm going to play along, you've got another thing coming. i have decided that there really is nothing i'd like to do now in church, and if i ever anyone needs a reason why i'm suddenly cold, i don't mix with people who believe hearsay than trust someone you care about. that really is all the reason i need. to you, outsiders, it might not seem enough but someone who wasn't there when my bed sheet was spotted with blood, who wasn't there when my pillow was soaking, who wasn't there when all i did was question myself, who wasn't there when i was on the verge of throwing myself into darkness, who wasn't there when false accusations almost made me broke down doesn't deserve much of a reason for my lack of warmth and love. furthermore, she has to seem to forgotten the times we've stood up for her when people were whispering behind her back. we both stood, tall and proud and defended you and what do you do? turn your back, listen to their lies and attack us like we were the enemies. and besides, if you asked her, i doubt she'd feel any sense of loss without me. because i'm beginning to believe that i don't matter. not to her, not to anyone. not to anyone in this church anyhow. maybe i've had that suspicion bubbling under the surface for a long time, i've just never taken the time or effot to think about it. but i'm staying, if not for god, it'll be because of my stubborn-ness and my desire to show them that i'll survive, no matter what. how did i get into this mess, you might ask. it surely isn't my battle to fight, i know. but if you mess with someone i love, do you expect me to sit by and watch the one i love break down? i've decided that taking the immediate way out really doesn't work with the people in this church, so i'm taking my time. and we'll see how the future pans out. because i'm not letting this go. and in the words of the Quinn brothers, it's not a threat, it's a promise.


my love life is still in the dumps so we shall skip this part. but if you want to know, everyone else's love lives seem to be on high. or maybe it's just me! either way, i'm not going to let this bother me. i've got too much on my plate now anyway. so i am going to just skip this and head on to the ending.


my short drabble on 'home' is on it's way to completion. i am actually planning to do it now, so i shall conclude here. i'm planning to go and read some pages before bed, and i'll be waiting up for mother. i can't seem to sleep these few days, i don't know if it's because i'm really a night creature, sleeping problems or i'm just too tightly wounded to relax and sleep. either way, it doesn't bother me much. as long as i've got energy for the next day and for everything that i have to do, i'm cool. so i should get going now. thanks for stopping by! sweet dreams, *hugs*, take care, *muacks*, love you!

<3 you always