good evening.


today's post will mostly be ranting. the day was good, to say the least. but it still seems that when i hear your name, or any mention of you, it just twists my stomach into knots and the only colour i see is red. and the only thing i really want to do is scream at you, hit you and inflict bodily harm upon you. and i don't give a shit if i'm not respecting my elders. because you know what? you don't deserve that respect. maybe i don't either, but at least i don't go around putting people down just so i can feel good about myself and what i've done.


i cannot believe my own grandmother suggested that you did us a fucking favour by taking my mother as your god daughter and me as your grand god daughter. right now, the only god mother i'd acknowldge is aunty lily who has been a much better god parent than you'll ever be in a million years. just the thought that you did us a favour is enough to make me want to vomit that i can almost taste bile in my mouth. it's disgusting. but if you do want to think of it as a favour, weighing what you have done for us and what you did to my mother on that one night, i would have rather you ignored us like the rest of the people in church. i even wouldn't mind you talking about us behind our backs, or even spreading rumors. i know a few people who have, and no, i do not want to mention names. but at least we wouldn't be as hust because we wouldn't have trusted you. trusted you as a friend to stand by her. trusted you as a god parent to lead her. right now, i don't even know who god is anymore. with god parents like you, i'd rather never let my child know god in his/her entire life.


the favour part still pisses me off majorly. but i'm trying to let that go. because do you know what is worse? the worse part is that you even didn't even have the fucking guts to say it to my mother in her face. you hid behind your fucking phone and messaged her. and i do see a trend. do you all always hide behind your phones to do your dirty work and then pretend that you're still all holy and good? bullshit. and i can't even stomach the idea that i'm not attending mass and will be going for confession when i return from the trip. i can't even sit though one session of mass without the question of 'what the fuck am i doing here' running through my head. i'm dying so desperately to do something. i've been this desperate since that rumor that i've gone out with all the guys in this church. but what the fuck can i do?


when i say i've been wronged, everyone points out that it's the same with everyone else. and we should take it in our stride. when others have been wronged, to a lesser extent, you shout and tell the entire world. as if justice isn't done, the world will never be ok. now you tell me, what the fuck is wrong with this picture? you say that they had numberous problems with the church, how about me? i was in way more shit then i had actually done. you all cry, pat each other shoulders and tell them it's ok. but did anyone tell me it was ok? all they did was sit me down and proceed to tell me how it was my fault that i never had the right mind to inform a fucking adult. when i didn't even know about the fucking situation until it was the last minute. and no one bothered to see who was doing the taking care. the mothering. i had vomit on my fav jacket, i had to feed them and all you can do is sit me down and tell me what a fucking disappointment i am? now tell me what is wrong with that picture.


i just don't know what i'm doing anymore. i go to church, i look at the cross and all i want to do is walk away. i don't even care if i'm going to spend the rest of my life in hell, because i don't think there can be anything worse than being in this church. sometimes all i want to do is take the plunge. i don't want to care about anything, anymore.


you know what? forget it. i'm fucking pissed off now and i just need to do something that has nothing to do with church. nothing at all.

<3 you always