good evening.


if you saw me now, you might not recognize me. but then again, you probably might. it's just that the left side of my nose is swollen. it has definitely got to do with the amount of times i've sneezed this morning. and my continuous rubbing and blowing. but you can't blame me can you? would you rather me leave my nose to drip and be disgusting and all. see, obviously despite the pain, this was a much better choice. if you are wondering why i am blogging again, i also don't really know why i am blogging again. maybe it's this aching pain in my chest. or the constant leaking of my nose that's causig a dull throb at the side of my head. or maybe it's just my habit of thinking through my day, and never forgetting the side glances, or the total ignorance of certain people. but i will blog more, i doubt i will be sleeping early tonight. despite work tomorrow.


i don't miss him anymore. i'm sure. it just pains me to wonder how deep and how far reaching the rumor was. sometimes i wonder, if every single mother is afraid of leaving her son with me. even if he has a brain and mind of his own. somehow, no matter how i look at it. this whole relationship, affair, seems to be a mistake. nothing should have happened. i should have just comforted him after the loss of his girlfriend, and not let myself take her place. i guess, there is always room for mistakes in our lives. there just isn't room for us to repeat that mistake. and by god, i swear i will never repeat the mistake. but not only mothers, friends, people i see in church on a weekly basis. people i work with, with regards to the bulletin. sometimes i wonder if i should just stop. stop trying to do anything for the church. and let myself be damned to the eternal hell. sometimes, that just seems to be the easier way out. but you know me. the stubborn bitch. and even now, i wonder if i did bring all this upon myself. and if i did, why are they still creating trouble? still trying to highlight their name as many times as possible? still trying to make themselves look like direct links between god and us? but who am i to say anything? after all, all i have heard are rumors. and i don't believe rumors. aside from the fact that i've caught you staring, pointing, whispering. do you seriously think i'm blind, deaf and dumb? i know i may not be the smartest girl in the group, but it doesn't mean that i don't know what's going on. i just choose to ignore it. after all, i am at least twenty to thirty years younger than you. you can't blame a woman in jealousy. all right, amanda is becoming bitchy. i just hope things will change. i don't expect them to stop staring, whispering or even pointing. i just hope that people who know me, actually say hello. we don't work together on the bulletin for nothing.


i think i miss my great grand ma. i never saw her much, or talked to her much. mostly due to the language barrier, but otherwise, i would always leave mummy to talk to her. after all, mummy seems to be taking care of her just fine when we're all together. i don't remember crying much at her funeral. i could have possibly been the only dry eyed relation there. no, it's not because i don't care about her. how can i break down, when everyone else was crumbling around me? especially those i usually lean on in troubled times. i suppose there are times when you have to keep your grief and be strong for others. and i suppose, if i had cried, i wouldn't be crying for the right reasons. and personally, i don't think that would be very respectful, not one bit. but now, seeing her again today. i miss her. how she'd keep one dollar coins in a plastic container, and then give it to me or my mummy for our birthdays. it didn't matter how much there was in the container, it was her thought that made us happy. i miss her, i really do. but she'll always be in my heart. after all, when you love someone, they remain in your heart, forever. i don't think i'll be talking about my family today, although i did think through it a whole lot during the entire day. maybe some other time.


it's only 9pm and i almost fell asleep on the sofa while watching television. i think i really should go and sleep soon or after this post. though before i go, i got to cheer someone up. it really sucks seeing a friend down. and even more when you can hardly help that person, being in the dumps yourself. but nevertheless, i'll do the best i can. maybe in the mean time, i'll go continue on one of my stories. i should being my stories to work to complete or update them. i'm only afraid that if the computer has not enough space, it will run extremely slow. and that is the worst thing i hate about old computers. ok, i'm beginning to ramble about irrelevant things. please tagged if you have come and paid a visit. it would be nice to know that i'm not the only one who reads my own blog. hahas. take care. good night. sweet dreams. i love you.

<3 you always