good evening.


have you ever felt rage? murderous rage? what did you do when all you saw was red, and all you wanted to do was hit something, someone, anything. when you couldn't hear anything, just see the result of that person's actions and feel the primal urge to protect, defend and attack. what do you do when that happens to you, and you feel the control slipping like water cupped in your hands. what do you do?

i don't know if i can say i hate her. it really isn't her fault that she has decided to be dumb and listen to gossip. but i guess from what i've gathered of this place, it really is a trend to just listen to gossip as god's truth. sad really, when no one really listens to the actual gospel. but don't get me wrong, i'm no saint. because i'd damn myself to hell anyday, just to inflict the pain you cause to her on you. even if it meant eternal damnation. reminds me of that japanese anime that was going to come out. where at midnight, you go to some website and type in the person's name who you want to die and spend the rest of his/her life in hell, and then when you die, you'll go to hell to. and i was, at that point in time, thinking to myself, who in their right mind would do that? can you actually hate a person so much you want to see them in hell and then suffer the same consequences? apparently, you can. but no, i wouldn't type her name down even if i do find the website. maybe because i know there is so much more out there for me. or even the fact that really, she's isn't worth it. but doesn't mean i can't vent or murder, in my mind, all i want.

everytime i see her, i see my mother's tears. and i get this urge to slap her. to slap her so hard she'd wake up from her dreams. that the bloody mist would clear from her eyes, and she'd stop being so stuck up. not only do i want to slap her, i want to hit her. maybe i've been reading too many violent books hit her so hard that maybe she bleeds, i might even feel comfort in breaking her nose. i just want to do anything, anything to make her feel the pain my mother felt. but the physical pain never did make up enough for emotional hurt. and then i suddenly feel this urge to hurt everyone around her. the people she loves, the people she cares about and yet leave her unscathed. how would she feel than?

i still find it hard how she can still laugh with my grandmother and joke, like she didn't do anything wrong. i guess only people who don't really have a heart can do that. i'd probably be beside myself with guilt or even sadness. even if i did believe the gossip to be god's truth. any fucking human being with an actual heart and feelings would feel something, apparently she doesn't. and the man behind her, don't even get me started. because really, do you have no guts or did you hand her your balls when you got married? i swear, if my husband not that i'm planning to get married ever acts like a sissy is going to get booted out of the damn house. can't you be a man and stand up for your friends? *argh* this just reminds me how you do not have a damn backbone.


well, i have thought about writing another story. inclusive of four deaths and no romance. because in real life, i don't think there is any romance. unless of course you demand it, or if you're in a country that just spells romance. *sigh* i can't blog anymore. i might not post this, but then again, i think i just might. i just want to sit home and read, and stuff my face and cry and then swim until i can't move and drown. maybe i just need to swim again. the water, the silence, the cold. it almost feels like your own world, where no one can touch you. absolutely no one.

<3 you always