as ansdrew puts it, i'm consistently depressed. and i happen to think i am too. i guess sometimes the hole's so deep you just learn to live with it. so much so that i don't notice it anymore. it's just another kink in my routine.

i should learn to lean on myself, and to not depend on anyone else. be it for happiness. or advise. or even a shoulder to cry on. because i always get more depressed when i realize i can't find one. funny isn't it?

i long to feel the coolness of the blade again. even the contrast of colour has it's attraction for me. and the split second when i forget the pain in my chest provides the most incentive. but i'm still fighting this losing battle. every thought i kill, ten more pop up.

i am still thinking of an alternate job. i just need someone to break me first before i start, that way, it'll hurt less. hopefully. but where will i find the time to start? i'm expected home at night, everyday. kind of hard to run a business if i'm not there every night.

i am thinking of leaving. there's no reason for me to continue here when i can go somewhere else and be a sunday catholic. the less attachment i have, the less pain i'm inflicted with. i wouldn't need to delete the numbers or names from my memory. because i'm already forgotten. i'm always forgotten.

the renewed pain i felt that first night with elvin returned. it still does hurt as much as it did the first time when you've not done it for a long time. it seems to always happen to only me. maybe i am cursed for cursed is the man who trusts in man.

maybe i should start on a spiritual journey again. fasting helps doesn't it? i'm thinking of stopping lunch entirely. saturday novenas, maybe i should just find a nice spot and pray the entire day. the rosary of our lady, i used to pray for so much but now, the answer is always no. maybe i should start, after all, lent is approaching.

i have given up on love and fairy tales. there is no such thing as love and fairy tales were made to please children enough to sleep. i think it's forever going to be me, myself and i. maybe i'll ensure i'm financially stable and adopt. there really isn't a need for a guy, who just mucks everything up. but this feels insincere. my heart longs for love and continues its search for my prince. and as it searches, it aches painfully in my chest. every beat causes agony.

maybe until i become emotionally stable will i start talking again. for now, i only respond. there is no point in setting myself up for heartache when i already know the truth. but i am a sucker aren't i? every skip of my heart tells me that despite the circumstances, i'm still falling.

should i pull out of my commitments since i am unstable? i don't know. what would i do if i didn't have something to occupy myself, i will go mad with boredem. but i will most probably be smiling tomorrow, so we will play by ear.

final thank you to ben. i'm the most pissing off sibling anyone could have dreamt of having. sorry the conversation didn't help because i'm still crying and my bed is wet. maybe if the circumstances were different or if the trigger was different, i would have healed faster. but these kind of wounds, inflicted unconsciously, are the worst kind a girl has to bear. i don't think i will ever have the chance to explain it to you. but thank you for trying, god loves you.

i should sleep before mummy comes home and sees my swollen eyes, red nose and tissues all over my bed. there will be questions that i do not want to answer. so i shall go first. maybe when i am in a more stable mood, i will return to blog. but until than, if you see me in the papers, don't fret. i doubt i'll haunt you.


every skip this battered heart makes, makes me realize that it's still alive enough to love you.

<3 you always