good evening.


two posts in one day. i really am in need of a proper outlet for me to get everything out. before i break down and start crying again, especially if it's in the office toilet. since my last post, there have been highs. there have been lows. and i must admit, i really do get myself into the worst situations ever. i doubt anyone else gets themselves into such situations where you can do nothing else but grit your teeth and bear the pain. especially when every other option either hurts someone else or makes you lose more. i really don't think i've ever met anyone as dumb as me.


i am seriously pissed off at the fact that she doesn't answer her damn phone calls. because guess what? the clients never take it out on her, when she doesn't answer her phone calls but guess whose the recipient of their long drawn out talks about their problems? me. i should refrain from swearing because it's not very becoming and i think i should be more like a lady than cursing in every sentence, reminds me of someone i'd rather not mention here. so i just grit my teeth and listen to them drone on and on and on. and i'm thinking, don't you have better things to do?! *screams into the pillow* and she just keeps telling me she doesn't want to answer the damn call and so i have to start making excuses. and when they ask for the gm, and i tell him, she tells me off. and the only two words going through my mind are '**** you'. she really pisses me off, big time. i really want to hit her but can you actually hit your supervisor and not get sued? hahas.

and then there is the annoying people. hahas. the people who don't give a damn about you, unless you're of same status or higher. i just realized that she does know my name! especially when she wants me to do work for her. never have i heard her voice so sweet before. actually, on second thought, just now was probably the first time she's talked to me. i don't mind doing errands for the others because they are nice, and they say hello and stuff when we pass each other. it's like i don't exist when she walks past me. *blasts the music and start screaming* can you tell me you wouldn't feel offended? i'm a human with feelings for goodness sake.


lunch was dry. i had fish soup, which was not filling as my stomach is making noise now. but i refuse to eat, i don't really feel hungry, my stomach just makes noise at odd time intervals. hahas. i need to cut down on my food, and increase my hours of exercise. i want to lose it all. doubt it'll make me overly happy or excited, but i need someone to keep my mind of someone. see, it didn't work because i just mention that person. i'm a useless freak, i swear. *stabs pillow with a blunt knife*


i still have no comment for my current situation. only thing i can tell you now is that since i got myself into this damn mess, i'll just bear the pain and get over it. just until he gets attached, or my heart stops beating. hopefully which ever option happens, it happens fast because god knows i cannot fight any much longer, i'm losing ground. fast.


ok, i need to go now. swimming. i hope it rains, i really need to freeze my heart, and maybe it'll be ok. i wonder why it was never this hard with elvin, or even nicholas cheang. but that is a question to ponder on another day. i got to go. thanks for stopping by just to read what's been up in my life.

please don't be mistaken
when i see you, i don't see him
when i hug you, i don't wish it was him
when i say i love you, i don't love him anymore

<3 you always