good evening.
something made me think today, about that day with you. i kept getting this nagging feeling, like something wasn't really right that day. and when i came home, did i then find out why i felt like that. how could you use me? it was just one day, a few hours, and you couldn't have looked at me and see me, not her. i hate being used, and you should know that, shouldn't you? i've already been used one too many times and i'm sick and tired of it. do i mean that little to you? i really want to know, i want to ask you, but i fear assuming too much. did you wish she was the one beside you that day? did you see her when you looked at me? did you feel her hand in yours when you held mine? did everything you say, for her or was it for me? maybe that was why you were suddenly distant. did reality come crashing down on you, that it was me beside you that day, not her. my hand you were holding, not hers. my ears your words were feeding, not hers. was that why you suddenly became distant? because if that was the reason, don't you think i deserve to know? don't you think for one second that i at least deserve to know, when i'm obviously not important to be treated as a person but to be used?
i'm sinking in again. and i'm not going to deny it this time. because some dark, sick, twisted part of me is delighting in the fact that i'm slipping deeper and deeper into the darkness. this reminds me of the time in bintan, when i was getting stuck in the mud. even if someone else wanted to help me out, they would risk sinking in themselves. i've got no choice but to get myself out. and then i think, what if i don't want to get myself out. i'm still holding on, the smile is still preventing me from sinking deeper into the darkness. but how much longer can a lone light hold out against the night? i don't know, i really don't know. maybe, just maybe, you've already lost me.
everyone keeps asking me about the up coming results. and the only thing i really want to say when i smile is, fuck off, it's none of your goddamn business. but now, amanda still has her manners and she shall not insult people for no reason when all they have done is tried to show concern. i don't know what i'm going to do when i get back my results. i'm definitely not going home with my mother. and i'm already thinking of turning off my phone, and just live in silence for a few hours. my immediate thought was of you. but i really should start depending on myself to make myself smile. after all, once she says yes, i doubt you'd be bothered with me anyone. i'll just be another girl. so anyway, i'll probably just live in silence for a while. i really hope i don't do anything stupid. hahas. was thinking of going to the beach, but wells. i don't trust myself in water when i'm depressed. but we'll see how it goes. maybe i'll pray for rain. so it'll wash all my tears away.
i think i'm going back into maple. vent off some of this frustration. and hopefully i don't end up more depressed than i already am. and really, that wouldn't be all too hard. good night, sweet dreams. thanks for dropping by to see if i'm still alive. *hugs* loveyou.
when did i realized i already fell for you? was in that afternoon i cried my eyes out when i found out you gave your heart away to someone else? that day my heart skipped you brushed against me? that afternoon my heart skipped when i read your message? part of me wishes i had never fallen, because then, i wouldn't be hurting this much. but part of me is thankful i did. because if i didn't, i wouldn't have remembered how wonderful it is to be in love. even in love with someone who isn't in love with you. and yes, i'm still thankful for that day. because as long as you don't confirm anything, i can fool myself into believe that for that five hours, i was the one in your heart.
<3 you always
