good morning!


i'm in another one of my moods again. but don't worry, it is much better than the mood i was in on monday. it really did bring a whole new meaning to monday blues. well, for one, today cindy isn't here. i think she's sick. she was still sniffing away yesterday. ah wells, looks like uncle harris is off to lunch alone. i really don't feel like eating. don't worry, i'm not trying to starve myself to death. i just really don't feel like eating, maybe it's my mood. ah wells.


i'm still not sure if i'm suppose to be happy that i can still feel my heart beating or devestated that my heart is beating for someone whose looking else where for love. hahas. i mean, on one hand, i should be happy that i can feel my heart beating. the high giddy feeling when i'm with him. and everything sweet and warm associated with being in love. after all, life is short, shouldn't we be glad for all we can feel? at least, in my world, it's better to be able to feel than to feel nothing at all. can you even imagine a world without feelings? *shudders* but on the other hand, it hurts. every time my heart skips a beat, reality dissolves the ground under my heart and it just plummets to the ground. and there's nothing at the bottom to catch it or to cushion it's fall. i do keep telling myself that i really shouldn't be angry at anyone else but myself. after all, he doesn't know i like him. you really can't be angry at a person for something he or she doesn't know about. it just hurts, you know. so what is a girl to do?


so many things are going wrong this year. it just really seems like a very bad year thus far. hahas. and not to mention, in a few weeks time, it would have been a year since i last saw him. a year since i last talked to him. it's rather funny how i always did think we were meant to be. but then again, perhaps not. he made me smile on occasion, he made me hurt more more than occasionally, he made me doubt constantly. come to think of it, i would really hate to think i was a damn replacement for joycelyn. because trust me, that would hurt more than knowing he probably never loved me. but ah wells. amanda is really a sucker for pain. i really just had to fall for a guy whose already given his heart away. why do i always do this to myself? don't ask me, because if i knew, i would stop myself.


there are so many decisions to be made, so many choices. and i'm simply stalling for time because i simply refuse to make the wrong choice, or decision. but i know one decision that i'm determined to keep to. and that's never telling him anything. hahas. because trust me, i don't think i can stand the consequences. not now, and probably not ever. it would hurt too much and i don't think this heart can take anymore beatings.


i can't believe how i'll really do just about anything for him. sure, i would do stuff for ben. for elvin. for vince. but i'll really do just about anything for him. murder is a different story, because i would never be able to live with the nightmares. hahas. so yes, it's slightly freaky. but i'm thankful josh is keeping my feet on the ground. but i'm hardly talking to him nowadays. and i really need to try and do this myself. i can't always depend on someone else. i really want my swimming pool now. hahas. i hope we would be going swimming tonight because i really need to clear my mind. no doubt it'll be clogged up agian the moment i reach home and start thinking, but at least for a short span of time, i'll have a peace of mind. it's really hard to get that nowadays. with all this going on. *screams*


well, i really should get going. because if i don't, the only person i'm going to talk about it him. everything right now seems to be revolving around him. argh! i just wish we had more pockets of time together. memories do soothe my heart, especially when i refuse to face up to reality. but how much longer can i dream to soothe my heart? how much longer can i turn away from reality? i really don't know. i just hope that when i decide to face up to reality, my heart's cushioned enough to carry on, even after him.




i miss you. i can't believe how much i miss you. can you miss someone so much? i suppose it is true, you can miss someone even when you're sitting right next to them. i always wish for another moment in time for us, but the future looks bleak. i still can't believe how much i love you.

<3 you always