good morning.


i'm not suppose to be here, but i really just don't care anymore. especially not when i woke up to hearing someone say that i'm just not goddamn good enough for her. i still don't understand why i'm not fucking good enough. she takes her frustrations out on me. she makes me do things for her, constantly. all the fuck she has to do is ask, not even nicely mind you, and i've got to do it for her. she shouts and she gets her fucking way in the house. oh, have i mentioned? me and mother are the only fucking people she shouts at and that have to work to her fucking will. she doesn't ask anyone else to do anything for her, why? because amanda and her mother are there to do every goddamn thing for her. when we lead our own fucking lives, she complains that we leave her at home. she complains that she has no goddamn money to spend. and that just really pisses me off, do you know why? because no other person in this fucking family brings her out. no other person in this fucking family gives her money to spend. she takes money from us, with no questions ask, no explaination given. when she takes money from every other goddamn person in this family, she has to explain her actions and live according to their goddamn will. now don't you see why she'd rather take all her goddamn frustration out on me and my mother? i'm fucking sick and tired of it.


it's not like i don't goddamn understand that we need to provide for her because she's old. what would you want me to do? sell my body so she has money to go out, to go and play mahjong? if i could find anyone who'd pay money to sleep with me, why the fuck not. after all, it's not like she fucking cares how i get the money, as long as she's got money to spend. does she not fucking think i hate myself for even spending my own money to make my mother smile? does she not think i hate the fact that i don't have enough cash to make my mother smile? does she fucking think i like to live sparingly and scrape out the non essential things in my goddamn life? i'm a fucking 18 year old for god's sake. i'm considering of taking up a second job on weekends. i beginning to not care if my social life is suffering or if i don't get enough sleep at night. because i'd rather be anywhere else than in this house.


so what do i do now? i want to run away, but where do i run to? there really is so much i can take. she tells every other person who'd listen to her that all i do is sulk. that i don't smile enough, that i'm not happy enough. how does she expect me to be happy when she throws all this shit on me? grandfather scolds her for spending unnecessary money, she takes it out on me and my mother on how we're not cleaning the goddamn house. aunty scolds her for spending too much money, she complains to us about how god's not helping her. uncle buys her a new phone, she says how he's so good to her and that we never do anything for her. but she doesn't remember anything we've done for her does she? the money to pay the bills, she takes and never returns. which then equals to stopping me from buying that new radio to replace my old one so i can pay the bills. and i've emptied out my new computer savings. so i seriously doubt i'll buy a new desktop come next march. but i suppose it is ok. after all, who really needs a desktop when i've already got my lap top?

she shouts at us for not bothering to clean the house. i would say it is partly my fault because i'm just too goddamn lazy. my mother's working almost 24/7 and all she can do is shout at her. sometimes i just want to slap her to wake her up. but i can't do that can i? because then everything would be my fault. then again, like it always is. maybe i should start cleaning the house every wednesday night or something. after all, the rest of my nights are booked. why not just kill my social life and devote it to being the goddamn granddaughter that never does anything and is the ungrateful bitch. after all, i'm doing a fucking good job of that now. but there's nothing much to give up, since i don't have a social life. hahas.

and it's only the second day of chinese new year and i'm crying. oh god, i'm useless. i want to go out, but then again all i want to do is curl up in bed and cry. i just don't know what to do anymore. im so fucking pissed off now i'm not daring to go near anyone for fear of something triggering me off. apparently it just happened. i hate my goddamn self. i hate my goddamn self.

<3 you always