good morning.


right now, i feel like a fool. don't ask me why. was it my crying spree this weekend? was it the fact that i might have already lost a friend [i'm sorry andrew, i still love you.]? was it my sudden urgent need to hurt him? or is it just the fact that no matter what i had done during the weekend, i'm still back at square one. only now, my heart's already bleeding and my head is hurting. not to mention my damn eyes hurt.


what do you do when you're faced with a similar situation? especially when your previous experience left you bleeding and alone? i am determined to leave it alone. to let it go. to let you be happy. but what can a girl do when she has always been ruled by her heart and now, this is a tugging she doesn't want to ignore. the most comments i've got have either been to take it as it comes, to make a choice, to confront him, to leave it to fate.

taking it as it comes, from previous experience, always leaves me unsettled and unsure. i'm no good when i'm nervous. damn.

making a choice makes me want to be selfish. and i'm no good selfish when after that, i begin to detest myself. besides, his happiness always means more than mine. love sucks.

confronting him seems like the worst answer out of the top four suggestions. the last time i did that, i ended up with my heart bleeding and my eyes cried out. horrible experience that i really do not want to go through again. besides, it will be awkward. and i rather hurt than lose a friend. it always hurts more when you treasure the friendship. so i guess that puts it out of the running.

leaving it to fate makes me feel that it probably wouldn't happen. hahas. fate has played games with me before, maybe i'm sick and tired of them, but i'd like to have control of my heart when it all comes down to it. so what is a girl to do?

i have not come up with a solution yet but i got myself into this mess, i'll get out. no matter what the consequences. i'm willing to claw myself out of these chains, even if it means losing an arm. i'm just not ready to lose my heart and him. losing an arm doesn't seem as significant as losing him and my heart. maybe i'm used to be control of my own heart, but now, it's defying me. it's determined to belong, it wants to belong. and with valentine's day coming up, this damn heart just won't listen to me anymore.


on a high note, mummy has got her new phone. 6288. she's happy and that's good. i'm willing to do anything to shift the attention away from me. i've got too much to handle. frankly, i don't think i'll be able to handle my results now. it's too scary, and i can't imagine what would happen if it's the last straw. my will power is dying out, and the need for pain is overpowering. let's just pray for divine intervention, maybe someone will have pity on me.


i should get going back. this post has been, unfruitful. i'm still confused, hurt and undecided. maybe i'll just see how it goes. hopefully i'm able to get a cushion for my heart as it falls. because i know, no one's going to be at the bottom to catch it.


just a small thank you to benjamin tan again. hahas. i love him. i really really love him. no one's been there for me as much as you have, and i really appreciate it. i would do almost anything to make you smile again, but there is only so much i can do. and with my battered heart, it's harder to make you smile when my smiles are fake. but you'll get through it, i know you will. don't wait for me, because i doubt i'll make it out. *sigh*

every skip this battered heart makes, makes me realize that it's still alive enough to love you.

<3 you always