life is truly a bitch. i just solved one problem, and now, another one has just popped up. it's my fault, i know goddamn it. but what can i do when all i want to do now is really lock myself up and cry. cry until i've got no more tears. cry until i've purged everything from my system. cry until i can smile properly again. this reminds me of last year, march. when no matter how much i wanted to cry. to lie in bed and wallow in the pain, to cry until i fell asleep. wake up and cry again, until i can think of him, bring up his face and not cry. but no matter how much i wanted to cry, i woke up at 5 every morning. took the damn bus to school. sat through tutorials, lectures, assemblies, meetings. went to church and prayed, despite the pain. i didn't have time to grive. and when i found those pockets of time on saturday evenings, i'll cry until my eyes are swollen and my chest's constricted that it's hard to breathe. but now, it's harder to come to work when you've got noone to take your mind of the situation. when all you do is sit at the computer with hours on end for you to think, ponder, wonder. it's even harder still to smile now, just to let people know that everything's all right, because it's not. but really, what can i do but continue my life. grit and bear.
smile, nod, pretend. best advice i've found online since god knows when. maybe it'll be better soon, or maybe not. i hate my damn photographic memory. i'm going to vent my frustration on work now. before that, here's gabrielle's 'out of reach'.
knew the signs
wasn't right
i was stupid for a while
swept away by you
and now i feel like a fool
so confused
my heart's brusied
was i ever loved by you?
out of reach, so far
i never had your heart
out of reach
couldn't see
we were never
meant to be
catch myself
from despair
i could drown
if i stay here
keeping busy everyday
i know i will be ok
but i was
so confused
my heart's brusied
was i ever loved by you?
out of reach, so far
i never had your heart
out of reach
couldn't see
we were never
meant to be
so much hurt
so much pain
takes a while
to regain
what is lost inside
and i hope that in time
you'll be out of my mind
and i'll be over you
but now i'm
so confused
my heart's brusied
was i ever loved by you?
out of reach, so far
i never had your heart
out of reach
couldn't see
we were never
meant to be
out of reach
so far
you never gave me your heart
in my reach, i can see
there's a life out there
for me.
<3 you always
