move along - all american rejects
speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like i know you do
and even when your hope is gone
move along, move along just to make it through

so a day when you've lost yourself completely
could be a night when your life ends
such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
all the pain held in your
hands are shaking cold
your hands are mine to hold

speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like i know you do
and even when your hope is gone
move along, move along just to make it through
move along


that's not the entire song, just the chrous and one verse. there's no need to repeat the chrous when it just repeats the same lines over and over again. i heard this song on the radio, and it just made me think. maybe that might just be my solution. maybe i should go and listen to the songs i gave to ben last year, it might help since i chose the songs for the sole purpose of cheering that boy up. but looking at my mood, i think the songs would hardly do any good but i'm willing to try almost anything at this point in time. moving along right now sounds like the best option yet. i won't ignore the pain, but i'm not going to indulge myself in tears because they're useless and pointless. pain, anger, sadness can always be channelled into other areas of your life to improve your life, it doesn't always have to bring your life down. i have reached a semi conclusion at this point in time about my love life. came to be while i was lying in bed at 2am, staring at the ceiling. then shifting to see the statue of infant jesus and mother mary. as compared to her pain, and his, why can't i endure this and move on with my life? there really is no need to pull anyone else into this situation i created myself, really, there isn't.


for one, i've decided that i should just keep quiet about it. ben knows, but he'll forget it sooner or later. jun hao knows but he's busy with his own life. jessica knows but she's probably forgotten about it by now, hahas. i guess there really isn't any way he's going to find out. unless i get drunk and start telling the whole universe about my feelings. hahas. so yes, no getting drunk around him. i think i should be able to manage it. it's not like we're going to go drinking anytime soon. but just in case, if i do get drunk, please keep me away from him. hahas. so yes, i've decided to just let it be. i brought the pain onto myself so i'll get through this, myself. there's no need to burden him with anything, he's got his own problems in the love department and doesn't need to be worrying about me. hahas. and there's no need to keep talking about it to someone else, it just makes it hurt more. hopefully i'll get out of this ditch soon enough. i really don't know how long i can continue this facade without breaking down.


while i was swimming yesterday i thought about him again. i didn't tell you did i? i used to have dreams about him, but it was mostly about church. there was one where he was wearing his glasses and we went for mass together, he wasn't serving mass. and then my mind shifted and how i've dreamt of him until i'm afraid to sleep. because sleep would mean dreaming, unless i'm dead tired and just fall asleep immediately. if not, the dreams will come. and how can i stop myself when my dreams are pulling me in deeper? i refuse to lose sleep over this, but it's a choice between my sleep and my heart. i'd rather lose sleep. anyhow, the e-mail he sent me came back to mind. it's so easy to blame him for what he did, and yet, the joke's on me. i don't think i'll ever be able to get the words out of my mind, or the way i hear him saying it in my mind. i wonder if there are any operations that would allow you to take out bits and pieces of your memory, because trust me, i'll be the first to sign up. hahas. but then again, memories are what make you stop from making the same mistakes. and i suppose, in some twisted way, it's stopping me from making the same mistake of telling him anything. *sigh* i miss him already.


swimming was fun yesterday. 25laps. i think i beat my own record, but it's no time to slack. the faster i swim, the more laps i swim, the more i burn. and the more i burn my frustrations out. although i would love for a time to just lie in the pool and float. the sound of the water is really calming and it soothes me. pity it didn't rain because i was really looking forward to the freezing water. after around 5 laps, the water didn't feel cold on my skin anymore. maybe that's why my heart's still no frozen yet, the water isn't cold enough! hahas. stupid joke, don't tell me about it.


what else can i say now? every damn second the feeling just grows and i'm helpless against it. but i'm sticking to my stand, i'm not going to dump this burden on him. as long as he's happy, i guess i'll try and make myself happy. that doesn't mean i can't detest her or feel pangs of jealousy. hahas. i'm not a selfless girl mind you. i just don't want another person hurt. well, i really should get going. i'm coming down with something. vomited twice already. i hope there wouldn't be a third time. well, did i mention i miss him? hahas! i'm hopelessly in love. *sigh* thanks for taking time to read! i really appreciate it.

now i know, without a doubt, you're the one who has my heart.

<3 you always