my hands are cold. my stomach is churning. my head is light. and i don't know what to do with myself right about now. another 43 minutes before mummy comes to pick me up. and then, it's off to school. and then by the time i reach school, it'll be an hour or so till the results are released. and then the talk by brother paul. after which the time would shorten to half an hour or even a few minutes. and before long, it'll be 2.30pm.

i'm determined not to cry. but i told myself that two years ago, and i still came out of the hall brawling despite not having failed anything. this time, i really don't know what i'm going to do. before i recived my 'o' level results, i had a feeling i was going to cry. to cry really really hard. but now, the feeling is much worse. it probably is worse than feeling dread. *sigh* what am i going to do. the urge to stab myself and end my misery is growing stronger as the second passes. hahas.

there is stations of the cross tonight at st stephen. sent out messages again, i wonder who will be there. well, i really should get going. maybe i'll blog about my results. maybe i don't. oh did i mention? we have a family gathering this saturday. fuck me. mummy said i can't not go. and there is definitely no way i'm going to be able to avoid the damn questions. maybe this is why i hate being the eldest. or even being in this family. because everyone just wants to see you at your lowest. ah well, life is hardly ever fair. and death is not an option. i'm determined to live with myself, and the scars. because as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? not really.