good morning.

it's 1am in the morning and i'm not sleeping yet. but what i am, is drunk and pissed. well, i got drunk first and then i got pissed. but it doesn't matter now right? because everything is painfully clear. i really shouldn't have drunk anything. it just makes everything around me painfully clear. and it hurts how i can feel this aching pain really badly. i really am considering clawing my own heart out and locking it in a jar. but the prospect of pain just makes me shudder and move on to the next idea.

my results are ok. they're not fantastic. but i didn't fail. as for university. i'm considering not going just to spite her. but i'll probably end up going, if i can get in, this is. only this time, i'm going to be doing it for myself. not her. not you. not anyone, but me. and i didn't cry in school today! crying during the later part of the day has nothing to do with my results. and even my crying now, has nothing to do with my results. it's a whole different story all together.

before i start whining on my blog, today has just not been a really good day. everything just seems to be going wrong. despite the fact that i found eye candy, passed my 'a' levels and went on a shopping spree, everything is still crashing down on me. and i can't seem to stop crying.

well for one, i just found out, again, that i really don't matter. and really, i thought i would have been used to it. primary school. secondary school. junior college. and it still hurts like a bitch. proves my theory that no one can actually get used to pain. so yes, i'm not important. i want to hit something, i know i do. but the pain wouldn't override the pain in the middle of my chest. nothing really can, except the blade. but there's no point in returning to the blade. because this time, i'm thinking of taking the plunge. hahas. but i've still got so many things to do before i can actually do it. for one, i've still got work. second, i've yet to give my mother a better life. so, i suppose that has to be put off for a while. i'm sure satan can wait for another few more years, since he's been waiting since the start of time for my soul. but it just still hurts. but then again, maybe it's my fault. it was only a few days that i started talking to him again. but it's all right. amanda will find a way to smile.

sometimes i wonder if he really thought of making me into a fool. hahas. you know, tell someone about something they already know? and then when you tell them, they'll just say, 'yeah, i knew it' and you'll just feel stupid. but hey, look on the bright side. i can now take up my plan without any regrets. and even if i don't have the will power to see my plan through, the thought of days spent without tears is incentive enough. i think. but anyway, my plan is going to start today. and trust me, they'll never realize what happened.

just a small thank you to jesse. thank you for being there when i needed someone to reassure me. and to knock some sense into me about my faith. because trust me, it doesn't matter how many praise and worship sessions you go for, how many times you attend mass in a week, how many times you recieve holy communion that actually determines your ability to help a friend whose losing ground with her faith. it only matters that you care enough to be a friend. and again, it brings back the terrible memories.

maybe i'm remembering too much about the past, that's why the nightmares are returning again. or maybe all this is happening because my mind is just too damn fucking tired to deal with all these problems at once. i don't think i've even caught 8 hours of sleep in the past 8 days since that first nightmare. how much longer can i continue this? especially when i'm seeing things i really shouldn't. hopefully the nightmares will end soon. i hope they end before the worst of the nightmares start. because then, i don't think i'll even dare to close my eyes.

anyhow, i'm going to lie in bed and listen to music. i don't think i'll sleep, because i really don't think i'm in the right frame of mind to handle the nightmares. and i refuse to resort to taking the pills. i've had enough of medicine being pumped into me, i'm not going to start doing it to myself. well, i'll sign off here then. just a little something, for that special someone.