the princess

2007-06-05T22:48:00.000+08:00

good evening.

if you happened to stumble on this blog, i've moved. 10 months it's been since i started this new blog. as opposed to my two year running blog i've had before. remember the dark and gloomy one where all i wanted to do was die? yupp. i moved on from there to here. and now, i'm moving on from here to my new home. a home, hopefully forever in paradise.

these past ten months have been very much a rollercoaster ride. some dips i haven't blogged about, most highs i've gushed about. but nevertheless, even without blogging, i'd still remember every one of them. well, i'm trying to erase the dips. not the lessons mind you, just the memories. some are indeed too painful to keep.

i can safely say that i've grown within the past 10 months. from that awkward JC girl, to hopefully a lady whose going to make her mark in the world. [really, i don't know where all this optimism is coming from!] sure i may not have done well in the 'a' levels, and that is solely my fault. but this was the life i think i've always secretly wanted to live. to work and to study. to balance out the two, and have the best next few years of my life.

relationships were a thing of the past at the start of January 2007. that was until Nicholas. my heart fluttered. and ignored almost everything else i knew was true. then came along the man i thought was going to make me the happiest girl alive. but made me cry more tears than i knew i had. i must admit, there was always that temptation to just jump back into my old phase. the razors, the crying, the darkness. and then you came along. J. everything that's going to follow is cliche, overly romantic and has possibly been repeated by at least a million people around the world. but i can tell you this, when you're in the middle of all of it. you can't help but be cliche.

hahas. yes, it ended there. because it's time for bed. you want to know more about my baby? stay on my other blog. hehes. oh, the webpage is http://youplusmeequalshappiness.blogspot.com do go check it out! actually, it's undone yet. the template wouldn't load. but hopefully it'll be up and running before my birthday! and even before the guides campfire. hehes. tata!

2007-04-19T13:41:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

i just came back from lunch and i'm full. i've got a cup of juice here beside me, and it's helping to make me feel less bloated. so yes, amanda is going to start drinking juice after lunch everyday. and on weekends, she'd drink juice every time she gets the chance! hahas. i'm a determined kind of girl, didn't you know? hahas. yes, i'm in a much better mood now. i guess there really is no use being upset about anything, especially matters of the heart. every one's different, you can't please everyone. you can't make everyone happy. you can only do your best at making someone smile ^^ well, i'm going to post something i got from an e-mail. provided by steffie, i love that girl, and re posted by a million other people. i really would love it if my boyfriend would do it. but we don't always get what we want, right?

even the smallest action can have the biggest impact on someone else's life

give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in
leave her cute text notes
kiss her in front of your friends
tell her she looks beautiful
look into her eyes when you talk to her
let her mess with your hair
touch her hair
just walk around with her
forgive her for her mistakes
look at her like she's the only girl you see
tickle her even when she says to stop
hold her hand when you're around your friends
when she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her
let her fall asleep in your arms
get her mad than kiss her
tease her and let her tease you back
stay up all night with her when she's sick
watch her favorite movie with her
kiss her forehead
give her the world
write her letters
let her wear your clothes
when she's sad, hang out with her
let her know she's important to you
let her take all the photos she wants of you
kiss her in the pouring rain
when you fall in love with her, tell her
and when you tell her, love her like you've never loved someone before

that was sweet wasn't it? -sigh- now if only i could find a guy like that, and i might just be the happiest girl in singapore. hahas. well, i'm actually just checking through my old inbox which i accidentally reactivated. i realize more people send mail to that inbox than to my new one. hahas. but better to receive junk mail and chain letters there than to flood my new inbox. especially now that i'm still waiting for my uni posting letters! hahas. let's not talk about that right now, because it's bound to start depressing me.

today has been a relatively horrible day thus far. and it really doesn't look like it's going to get better any time. for one, my left ankle has start to ache. it doesn't hurt, it's just a persistent ache that refuses to go away. and i don't dare to twist my ankle to relieve the ache because i don't want to do any thing wrong to injure myself. second, my right foot baby toe hurts. i'm not sure if it's because of the shoe or if my nail is too long. either way, i think i'm going to cut my nail when i get home. and then there is my baby finger. can you believe that i cut my baby finger on a tape dispenser? hahas. i don't know how anyone can be that clumsy! but apparently i can be that clumsy. hahas. the throbbing pain has subsided and now it's just uncomfortable with the plaster i have on. hahas. not to mention i'm tired and sleepy. the yawning monster always insists on attacking me at work, and i just don't understand why. hahas. i am indeed running out of things to say.

i think i can safely say that the situation in church has been resolved. who really knows when anything is going to happen next, but till then, i'd just stick on for the ride. almost everyone i know is attached, and it really is upsetting. but it's not upsetting as it is annoying. see, now i'm getting a bit upset. hahas. maybe it still is best for me to remain a bachelorette. concentrate on my studies, enjoy guys and maybe dating will return to the scene when i'm nicely settled into my life. hahas. well, it's already 2pm. everyone is starting to come back from lunch and i really should be getting back to my work. thanks for stopping by. i'll try and post more regularly. i still have yet to get my stories updated. -argh- amanda is becoming lazy and a procrastinator. hahas. i really should go. thanks for stopping by! all my love, only for you.

2007-04-13T10:03:00.000+08:00

good morning.

i'm at work, but it's extremely boring >.<>

yesterday's dinner was fun as usual. i always have fun out with lynn and aunty veron. it's almost like a crime to not have fun when you're out with them. hahas. we had dinner at M hotel. it was really nice! and cooked salmon is nice ^^ especially the way they made it at the hotel. hahas. lynn and aunty veron were happily having their salmon as me and mummy ate salad. it was hilarious when me and lynn decided to toss a salad ourselves. hahas. there really wasn't much to put in so we added smoked chicken although i'm not supposed to be eating chicken with this throat of mine, we never do listen to the rules do we? and the potato salad. hahas. mummy and aunt veron said that it looked like we just mixed a bit of vegetable and then added the already made salad on top of it. hahas. but it was fun. desert was chocolate! at first i wasn't really full after having dinner. then we had cakes, the small ones that come in a small plate by itself. and then i was full. but not that full as i still had chocolate coated marshmellows ^^ it's been such a long time since i've taken chocolate foundue. and yesterday's chocolate was indeed heavenly. hahas. after dinner we headed up to the bar for drinks ^^ and yes, it is true. alcohol does keep me awake. wide awake. after the drinks, which was pretty dull since there was music and we were sitting right in front of the live band. hahas. on the way back to their place i fell asleep. and then woke up to keep mummy company on the drive home. and then, it was prison break ^^ it's pretty cool how my whole week is filled with nice late night shows. it's just a wonder how i get up every morning and go to work. hahas. but i'm guessing that once school starts, i'd have to change my schedule. can't be late for classes, especially not when i live so far away from school. hahas.

talking about school just makes me want to sit here and sigh till no end. it's easy to wait in silence for the letters to arrive, be they bearers of good news or ill tradegy. either way, it's much easier to sit and wait in silence. but mother just had to bring that topic up on the drive home yesterday. what if i don't get accepted into any of the universities i applied to? i really don't know. hahas. but one thing's for sure, i'd be the first black sheep of the family. hahas. and it is probably without a doubt my grandma will start nagging at me the moment she sees me awake at 2am gaming. i'm sure even my mother will start. -sigh- i think i'd probably start working and take up a part time degree or diploma in accounting. that way, i guess i might be able to get a higher paying job. but enough about that now, my mood is already on it's way down to nothingness.

there is nothing to talk about my love life. hahas. do i even have one? hahas. whatever it is, i'm not even going to think about it. because it really doesn't matter anymore. nothing really matters anymore. -pout-

i really should go, i'm already beginning to yawn. how i'm going to survive today and go jogging tonight, i have no idea. but i'd make it through. someway, somehow. i'm out of here, maybe i'll blog another time when my mood is high ^^

2007-04-04T11:16:00.001+08:00

good morning.

it's been a pretty long while since i last blogged. and i must say, it's really amazing how a person's life can change so drastically in such a short span of time. hahas. anyhow, it's an hour or so till lunch time, so i thought i'd blog for a bit before going for lunch. i was thinking of doing it instead in the afternoon, so i'd be kept more awake. but i wanna write just a one shot. i don't know about what yet, but perhaps love. everything needs love, doesn't it? but yes, i'd most probably post it on here. i think FictionPress is likely to ban me if i post it up there. hahas. and speaking of FictionPress, i will start to update my stories now that my new computer has been fixed and is ready for action. *smiles* just hang in there for a few, everything will be completed soon.

with regards to the situation in church. i'm just so confused i don't know what to do. i know i was wrong that day, and to whoever it may concern. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to do what he did to me to you. i just wasn't sure i wasn't going to start screaming at you if i did talk to you. but i hope you know that it's not your fault, and yes, i will do a personal apology. i just need to think it through, swallow my pride and hope to god i don't kill someone before i see you. but if you were wondering, it's really not your fault. it's my fault for taking it out on you.

my love life is still not in balance. hahas. on one hand, i wouldn't mind jumping head in into a relationship right about now. after all, where's the fun if precautions are taken at every step? but then, my heart fluctuates or was it just one time? i don't even know. the other boy is out of the picture, it's just me and the guy now. but then, his ex girlfriend just did have to come into the picture didn't she? hahas. and so now, amanda's sitting at her computer, staring longingly at her phone and wishing to the heavens that it'll ring. you know the ironic thing? just before his ex girlfriend came into the picture, i did ask him what we were suppose to be. hahas. i guess my brief affair with NC has really made me wonder if my relationships would ever get back to normal. but comparing my feelings for boy 1 and guy 2, i would definitely say that boy 1 was most probably a weak re-kindling of a flame for the image of the boy i previously dated, ie, NC. so in that aspect, i'm thankful the feelings have indeed faded. but guy 2. the feelings are different, they do burn probably as strong as the feelings i had for NC but they feel different. he asked me, if i loved him, and that really got me thinking. i can still say that when i was with NC, i did love him. because amanda doesn't jump into a relationship and not give her heart to the one she believes will treasure it. [and yes, her prince charming has heard her wishes.] and really, i'm all but ready to give him my heart. that is, if he'd have it. but now, the picture has changed so drastically and the gound under my feet has been washed from under me and i'm stumbling. i guess the only thing i can do is wait and see what happens. i guess our date this saturday has been cancelled?

the rest of my life has been rather uneventful. my posting results are still not out, so i suppose i'd just sit tight and fear the worst. oh, and hope for the best too. hahas. my stomach is growling already. and it's only 11.40am. i guess nothing else really tops what's happening in the love department. it just hurts knowing that there's a higher chance of him returning to his ex girlfriend. after all, don't people usually stay with what's known to them? *pout* i don't know what to do anymore. what i want to do is cry, and it doesn't help the fact that i've got virtually no time to myself. crying in the bath isn't an option; it just isn't. anyway, i'm heading out for an early lunch because uncle harris has an appointment. amanda's day has perked up so she's smiling pretty easy now ^^ thanks for reading, i'd try and blog more often and update my stories. hahas. take care, i love you, i think i really do.

2007-04-04T11:16:00.000+08:00

good morning.

2007-03-27T17:46:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

my 100th post for this blog, and it is truly an unfortunate day. not taking into account what happened during the weekend, but that's for later. much later. first, my oh so unfortunate day. firstly, my hair wouldn't dry. it didn't use to be a problem, until it started to soak through my shirt and annoy the living day lights out of me. i wrapped my hair in my towl followed by drying with said towel. i did that for almost three times until i gave up and changed because i was on the verge of being late. not ten steps from my door, my shoe strap burst. i suppose it can be considered fortunate that i had yet to step into the lift or had already made my way down. but nevertheless, the action alone of having to go back into the house and change my shoes annoyed me to no end. and then, there was the bus. as usual. are the bus uncles ever trained to drive properly? like not suddenly jam break. i know there are seats which are suppose to be used, there are some people who are unfortunate enough to be left standing still. i don't know how but i broke out in sweat. -.-" walking to the mrt was a trouble - less journey. and i only discovered that the mrt was not as cold as i had remembered. only until the last few stations did the cool wind begin to cool my body. and then, the journey to work. i still have yet to mention how annoying it is to walk in a pair of shoes that are slightly bigger. the day after that simmered down to being normal. by normal i mean trying to do two tasks at once, both of apparently similar importance. and then, there is the usual annoyance at work. *sigh* can you believe it? i'm too tired and really cannot be bothered anymore to blog about today. because i only keep thinking about saturday. *sigh*

work ends in approximately 5 minutes. i've got to do the bulletin tonight so maybe i'd blog tomorrow. i love you, i think this broken heart is still capable of love.

2007-03-21T12:44:00.000+08:00

good afternoon!

the office is almost deserted as everyone is heading down to lunch. i've decided to stay in the office again, and this time i'm going to blog! seeing as how i didn't bring my book today because it was raining in the morning and i didn't want to be carrying too many things. you know how clumsy amanda is. so, i've decided to blog. hahas. it's been quite a while since i last blogged and seeing as how my days are occupied with so many other activities, i seem to have lost touch with writing. yes, amanda hasn't written anything in about a week. i'm dying to get my next one shot up, but it's like, i've only got some parts planned out. it's hard to make a sad love story when the guy is entirely devoted to one girl. but i guess i do like my guy characters to be like that. well, unless they are destined to be evil and spoil everyone's day. hahas. but i'll try. another song that's tickled my fancy is 'only heaven knows' by rick price. i'm really sorry if that song reflects some people i know in my life, but it was because of you guys that my thoughts run wild sometimes. but i promise, no names and no obvious similarities! *smiles*

aside from my lack of wiriting, the second other thing i've been doing the most is game. scions of fate. i've neglected maple, but i'm planning to return to that game. when my new computer gets set up and everything. hahas. but in the mean time, at least i've got someone helping me train! i think. hahas! but it really doesn't matter. has any of the games mattered to amanda before? nope so it's not going to start now. games are just for fellowship. after all, when everyone lives so far from one another. it's the only way we get to talk to each other and have fun at the same time! in times like these, you've got to do everything in half the time. but gaming as been fun and i'm going to start playing for someone else again. hahas. but it's quite fun playing another character without the hassle of training till it's a decent level for you to have fun. i must admit that its slightly difficult to restrain myself from any 'girly' comments. after all, the character is of a guy. hahas. but other than that, it's quite fun! and also trying not to get his character killed. hahas. that's another one. so that is about it for my gaming life.

i'm anxiously waiting for my new computer to arrive. and not so anxiously waiting to kiss my next cheque good bye after only one day. hahas. we can only call them on the 26th of march to arrange a time to send the computer. if mummy is unable to be home during the weekday, i think i'll just stay home one saturday or wake up really early so they can come and fix my computer! hahas. i really cannot wait. so far, i've got mainly six things i need to install in my computer.

mp3 player

scions of fate

maple

camera

webcam

microphone

i think that should be about it. and i hope that the microsoft word is the same as the old version. because if not, i'm going to need serious help in doing the bulletin! *cries for help* but i'm sure god has a way. hahas. if god doesn't have a way, i'm sure uncle willy would be able to help. don't be fooled by his age, he is actually quite computer savvy. hahas. maybe it's the experience, or maybe it's just the courses he attended. hahas! whatever it is, at least there's someone there to help me! *smiles*

putting my excitement for my arriving computer aside, it's back to earth and back to church. mummy's saying that i shouldn't quit the magazine committee, even when i'm dying to just get away from anyone that i might feel like strangling when in close proximity. aunty roslind says that i should still be the secretary. and that uncle john foo is willing to teach me. and i guess, when everything's settled and everyone's had their say, i know deep down that i really do want to do this. and no matter what happens or how i feel; i'm determined to make this work. i just hope i can get out of it alive. hahas. but the next meeting is next month i think. hahas. better put it into my calender before i get booked for another appointment. so now that i've said my peace, pray for me! hahas.

hmm, what else can i tell you about my oh so interesting life. hahas. my love life is still stagnant and it's not moving up and neither is it moving down. but that's good isn't it? hahas. i still don't know if it's good. cause i don't know how much more my heart can take. it's already being held together by scotchtape. hahas. but i can say i'm only happiest when i'm with him. and the memories do keep the smile on my face during the day, and though the worst times a girl can experience in a day. and for that alone, i'm grateful. looking on the bright side, i still talk to him. so it's much better than being ignored or even not talking to him at all! oh and i must add, this 'look on the bright side' campaign of mine is really turning out to be effective. i can't say i haven't got extremely angry or annoyed, but at least it helps me to put a smile on my face still. just when my defenses are low and i'm really down, that's when it doesn't work at all. hahas. and also the fact that almost everyone i know is happy in a relationship doesn't help at all. just makes me want to tell him and get it over with. hahas. but i'm determined not to rush this. look at what happened the last time i dived head in into a relationship? i almost died. hahas. so yes, i'm going to take it slow and steady. and i guess, if it's even meant to be, it'll happen. if it's not meant to be, there'll never be the awkwardness of his knowledge of my heart. i've got it all thought out. i just hope my heart doesn't decide to be reckless like how it's known to be. hahas. but whatever it is, amanda will keep on smiling. so if you're going through the same thing, keep smiling. because i am.

finally, my application for university. i have submitted my application forms. i don't know if other than the three major universities if i should go anywhere else. i wouldn't mind doing accounting, because that was my original plan. but i'm just very un-sure about everything right now. i'm just going to wait for the results of my application, and then we'll see how. the brighter side of this all is that if all else fails, i might still have my job waiting for me. and who knows, amanda might just learn how to be a event manager/project manager. but pray for me won't you? because i don't think i can survive in the same house as her if i don't get into a university. i really don't.

everyone's beginning to return to the office so i think i should be getting back to work. *smiles* the office is actually relative quiet today. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying i like it alot. hahas. well, if anything else that comes up in my life that is even close to exciting, i'll blog again. hahas. take care. thanks for coming to my blog to read about my life! hahas. do tag if you have the time, my tag board is extremely dusty *chokes on the dust* so see you around soon! ILOVEYOU

some days it feels like you love me too.

some days my broken heart gets crushed under your foot.

some days i long to tell you the truth.

some days i'd die before admitting my feelings.

the only constant is my love for you.

2007-03-18T20:07:00.000+08:00

good evening.

it has been 6 days since my last entry. since then and now, i've been pretty busy. monday - wednesday was spent anxiously waiting for thursday to come. thursday was sentsoa with the girls. friday was back to work. and my supposedly busy saturday was spent at home and in church. today, has been relatively dull. how interesting can staying at home with nothing to do but game and write be? so yes, i shall just skip to thursday's outing!

i never knew you could know so much about a person in one day. and without a doubt, it was extremely fun! hahas. we got lost in the morning due to a slight breakdown in communications. but in the end, we managed to find each other and take the right bus down to harbourfront. our original plan of walking into sentosa was squished since we were all kind of lazy and dying to get to the beach. so we took the bus in, bought a ticket and took the first bus to the beach. once everything was set out, everyone headed for the water! *grin* after a while, lazy old me decided to sit with our valuables and tan rather than play with the girls. after a while, everyone joined me and we deicded to sun tan for a while before going back into the water again. and because of my ever loveable mp3, me and steffie fell asleep =P hahas. after that, we had ice cream. and then slacked around for a bit before mummy came! during that time before lunch, me and colleen were huddled under her umbrella talking. and boy was it fun! hahas. it was really nice talking to her, especially after having not talked to her in ages! hahas. lunch was filling and then the fun began again! after that, mummy decided to put the things closer to the sea so she could come have fun too! and we were in the water for at least another hour or so! not to mention we had free entertainment all thanks to a few couples. hahas. but really, get a room! hahas. when the beach suddenly got infested, we deicded to go and bathe and then explore the new island. after bathing whereby i took the longest. can't blame me can you? i do have the longest hair! hehes. we drove to soilso beach and then took the monrail. we took loads of photos on the monrail as well as while we were walking. hahas. we stopped at the second station on our way back and explored the new built up area. and we took loads of photos! you can head to friendster to check it out! *smiles* and suddenly it started to rain so we decided to take the bus back to our car. we then went to vivo city for dinner. and then after dinner, it was home! i must admit that despite the extremely hot sun and my currently peeling face and hurting shoulders, i had the most fun ever since last year! and that's saying a lot. hahas. i hope we go out again, sooN! and the chalet that i was talking about, yes, i'm hoping to the heavens that it'll take place. so keep your decembers free! hahas.

well, what else is there to blog about? had dinner with ben and vince and charlene on saturday. and i must say we should do it again. hahas. my shoulders are still hurting and i'm wondering if i should just skip work tomorrow. i don't know how i'm going to survive the constant pain. but i foresee amanda going to work still. hahas. *sigh* if you haven't noticed already, i'm not exactly the happiest girl in the world at this moment. anyhow, i better go since i'm brooding. nights. take care. i love you.

2007-03-12T09:17:00.000+08:00

good morning!

five hours of sleep later and i'm sitting at the receptionist desk, sleepy eyed and aching body. sustained five new bruises this morning during the bus ride to work. not to mention, my feet are still aching. hahas. cindy is taking an mc today, so it'll be me trying to keep myself awake today. hahas. and no, it doesn't matter if all my friends are on their school holidays, does anyone really talk to amanda willingly? anyhow, work should start really soon, so i'd just quickly get this done before i get caught.

yesterday was an extremely weird day. well, in the morning i did sleep at 4am just playing scions of fate. it is really addictive and highly exciting. hahas. anyway, after that went to bed. woke up the next morning to go down to suntec and there, i got my new desktop! it was a tough choice between acer and hp, but i finally decided on hp. the computers do look nicer. hehes. after that, we headed towards the creative booth which was extremely near the hp booths. at first i was extremely undecided. but in the end we got an mp3 player. but look on the bright side, with my extra hours last week, i should be able to pay for it on my own. actually, not that it is an option but, hahas. it's always nice to pay for things you want to buy not out of necessity. i'll most probably be paying for my computer as well, with the return from my savings plan. and trust me, it is actually quite a nice feeling to be paying for your own things. i know, it may suck to not have any money in hand, but it is a definite high to be buying things for yourself, and for the people around you. maybe that's why i can never be rich. hahas. that's a theroy isn't it?

lunch was extremely filling. and then we had desert before going to buy something from guardian. after that, we stop by perlini's silver [i think i might have got the name wrong] and i got six new charms! hehes. i sure did spend a whole lot yesterday, but it's all right. a girl's entitled to making herself happy at times right? *smiles* and than it was headed home. i fell asleep along the way, and woke up to have ice cream again. hahas. the nice uncle was downstairs our place, so why not? hahas. shared some ice cream with my darling and then it was off to work on my mp3 as well as clear my room.

it is surprisingly a good feeling to be throwing out my school things, notes, books. i mght be passing some on to ethel and zac, if they'd like them. but the rest, it's going into the bin. if i'm not wrong, they're already in the bin. hahas. but now my silver table is half empty! i'm hoping to clear my table for my new desktop so it wouldn't be as messy. and my lap top would be going back into the bag soon. and kept under my table, so the area beside my bed is kept for my bags. well, hopefully only one bag which i use to school or to work. it's really weird how the first things i'd do on my computer are install all the programs i'd need as well as download my games! hehes.

all right, i should get going while my mood is still this high. hahas. thanks for stopping by! take care. god bless. ILOVEYOU!

how do i stop myself from falling, when you make it so easy to love you? only time will tell if you are meant for me.

2007-03-11T23:11:00.001+08:00

as you can tell, i'm suddenly really into quizes. hahas! i should be going off, but i'm going to keep someone company. i'm sure you're smart enough to tell me who. take care, thanks for stopping by! ILOVEYOU!

2007-03-11T23:10:00.001+08:00

You Are a Lace Bra!

Dreamy, romantic, and ultra-feminine
You're a womanly woman who makes guys feel like men
Your perfect guy is strong, determined, and handsome
With a softer side that only you can draw out

What Kind of Bra Are You?

2007-03-11T23:05:00.000+08:00

You Are 44% Paranoid Schizophrenic

It's likely that you're perfectly fine, though you have your crazy moments.
You tend to be a bit paranoid, but no one's out to get you but yourself.

Are You A Paranoid Schizophrenic?

2007-03-11T23:03:00.001+08:00

You Are 66% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're very addicted to love.
But you're not really getting the deep love you seek.
Short lived, dramatic relationships are more your style.
Let go of needing someone, and you may find someone you actually want.

Are You Addicted to Love?

2007-03-11T23:01:00.001+08:00

You Are Somewhat Mature

You definitely act like an adult sometimes, but a big part of you is still a kid at heart.
While your immature side is definitely fun, you're going to have to grow up sooner or later.

Are You Immature?

2007-03-11T22:56:00.000+08:00

Your Passion is Orange

Your sex life is driven by your wild fantasies.
For you, sex is a dramatic performance where you are the star.
And you love putting on a wild act for your lover, trying to top last night's show.
Whether you enjoy the actual sex is irrelevant... it's all about putting on a good act!

What Color Is Your Passion?

2007-03-11T22:55:00.002+08:00

You Are More Yin

Feminine
Devoted
Forgiving
Fall
Winter
Afternoon
Moon
Time
Passive
Metal
Honey

Are You More Yin or Yang?

2007-03-11T22:55:00.001+08:00

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears

"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.
I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."

You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

2007-03-11T22:51:00.000+08:00

You Are 24% Spoiled

You're barely spoiled. You may have some nice things, but you never let them go to your head.
You appreciate each gift you're given - and you don't dwell on what you "deserve" to have.

Are You Spoiled?

2007-03-11T22:50:00.000+08:00

Your Kissing Purity Score: 74% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing

Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

2007-03-11T22:48:00.000+08:00

You Are 36% Shy

You are slightly shy, but overall, your reactions to social situations are normal.
You dread difficult social situations, but you still handle them with grace.

How Shy Are You?

2007-03-11T22:47:00.000+08:00

You Are 70% Psychic

You are pretty psychic.
While you aren't Miss Cleo, you've got a little ESP going on.
And although you're sometimes off on your predictions...
You're more often right than wrong
So go with your instincts - you know more than you think

Are You Psychic?

2007-03-11T22:42:00.002+08:00

You Are 66% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High

You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room.
You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

2007-03-11T22:42:00.001+08:00

You Follow Your Heart

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional.
You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly.
Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you.
You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature.
Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind

Do You Follow Your Head or Your Heart?

2007-03-11T22:39:00.001+08:00

You Are Destined to Rule the World

You have the makings of a very evil dictator...
Which is both kind of cool and kind of scary!
Will you rule the world? Maybe. Maybe not.
But at least you know that you could.

Are You Destined For World Domination?

2007-03-11T22:34:00.000+08:00

You Should Rule Mercury

Close to sun, Mercury has very long days - and is rarely visible to the rest of the solar system.

You are perfect to rule Mercury, because you live for the present - and can truly enjoy a day that goes on forever.
Like Mercury, you are quick and elusive. Your wit is outstanding, and you can win any verbal sparring match.

Some people see you as superficial, but in truth, you just play many roles and have many interests.
A great manipulator, you usually get what you want from people. And they're happy to give it to you.

What Planet Should You Rule?

2007-03-11T22:32:00.001+08:00

You Are 68% Pure

Well, you're not exactly an angel - but you're pretty darn close.
But chances are, you have a couple juicy secrets deep in your closet.

How Pure Are You?

2007-03-11T22:30:00.001+08:00

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:
Your propensity for monogamy is medium.In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.
Experience Level:
Your experience level is high.You've loved, lost, and loved again.You have had a wide range of love experiences.And when the real thing comes along, you know it!
Dominance:
Your dominance is medium.You tend to be the one with more power.You aren't a total control freak in relationships..But of course you don't mind getting you way!
Cynicism:
Your cynicism is low.You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.
Independence:
Your independence is low.This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

http://www.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/">The Five Variable Love Test

2007-03-11T22:26:00.001+08:00

Your Androgynous Name Is:

Lynn Tate

What's" Your Androgynous Name?

2007-03-08T20:17:00.000+08:00

this is the worst fucking week of my goddamn life. maybe not the entire week, per se, but the last few days have just been pure, plain nonsense. anyway, i'm not going to be mentioning names, mainly because it's much easier to vent my frustrations this way. and if you happen to come across this blog, and happen to recognize the situation and recognize yourself, too bad, i don't give a fucking shit.

maybe it's the fact that i've been raised in ij, where we always appreciate what others have done, despite the wrongs that might have happened during the time of the event. apparently, to some people, all it matters is just to point out everything that was done wrong. now can you tell me what's wrong with that? i mean, it's not like all of us are slacking and lazing around on the job. everyone is put under more stress than you, have slept less hours than you, have done more goddamn work than you. so why the fuck are you making so much unnecessary noise? it doesn't matter if my attire was not situable. maybe it's my fault that i underestimated how much i can actually pull my skirt down. but did you have to make a goddamn fuss about every other thing that did go wrong? because frankly, i didn't think it was any of our fault. but let's start from the beginning shan't we?

maybe it was wrong for them to have eaten from the guest table. but did you forget the fact that we arrived at 6.30am in the morning? did you forget that between 6.30am and then, we were all doing work and had no time for breakfast? sure, some people like myself am able to forgo breakfast but there are some people who are geninuely hungry. so what the fuck was your problem? because seriously, all you could have done was pointed it out in a much nicer way; apparently you lost all your manners as you grew older.

lunch time. if you saw me eating; and even if you were talking about me at the de-briefing, let me tell you something. fuck off. i only had a chocolate bun in the morning because i rushed out of the house just to get to the event place on time. and it had already been seven hours since i last ate or drank anything. i was almost about to faint from hunger when i saw the food and so i just ate. unless you'd like me to faint in the middle of the exhibition hall, please do let me know. because we still have another event day tomorrow.

my attire. fine, if you want me to admit it. it was my goddamn fault. i know it was my goddamn fault. but what do you expect me to do? go out and buy a goddamn suit that i don't have the money for? i'm a fucking nineteen year old girl. i'm not some adult with years of working. i don't own a damn fucking suit. but you know what? i went to my aunt's place to get a damn jacket, in the middle of the goddamn fucking night. and did you care? obviously not, bastard. and i don't care if your face was black again today because my skirt was too short because you know why? that is the only fucking black skirt that i have which is presentable enough for your goddamn event. and no, i'm not going to fucking waste my money and buy a suit for your stupid events. you can always leave me at the office the next time, besides, it's obviously i'm not needed. and because of your fucking 'rule' i'm wearing the same goddamn skirt and jacket again tomorrow. you have no goddamn idea how much i hate you right about now.

and i will never understand why you keep blaming us when it is very obviously not our fault that some items during the day went wrong. is it our fault that the stupid, dumb, idotic bus driver was trying to pull a fast one on the helpers? is it our fault if the stupid mics are not working? do i look like a goddamn tech person to you? is it out fault that the caters were not wearing their vests while they served the guests? is it our goddamn fault? personally, i didn't think it was our fault.

and i still don't understand why i am put at the counter, when all she does is shift all the attention to her. all i did was try to do my duty, help the guests. did she really have to come and cut in and ask again what he had wanted? did she really have to? and stop walking into me will you, bitch. i don't care if your eyes are too small, or if your hair is too long, just quit walking into me. i don't care if you don't respect people younger or of lower status than you, because if trust me, when i'm pissed off, you'll never see the end of it. but really, if you hadn't realized, i do detest you. but seriously, who wouldn't get pissed? who cares if i admit i was in the wrong, did you have to stare with that haughty stare that you didn't do anything wrong? because at least today, i looked smarter than you, bitch. anyway, as you can tell, she pisses me off like no other. i mean, it's enough that i got to take it at work. but aren't i doing the same work as you? stop looking down your nose bitch, you'll walk straight to your death.

i'm still frustrated. i'm still annoyed. and i still feel like crying, which basically sucks. i don't even dare to talk to anyone, because i'll probably snap at them. i'm still talking to mummy, she still makes me smile. well, it seems that hardly anyone else can make me smile anymore. ah wells, amanda will try and make herself smile. i better go, surf the web, vent some frustrations, hopefully not cry. hahas. thanks for reading about my two crappy days. last day tomorrow. and i don't even feel like going back to the office on monday. *sigh* nights. iloveyou.

2007-03-06T23:41:00.000+08:00

good evening

i have submitted my application form for ntu and smu. i have as of late, been unable to navigate my way thought nus' website. and thus, i have decided to do it at home when i've got much more time. hahas. so today, it was slightly much better. despite the pain, there were more smiles. and maybe, just maybe, i've learnt that i actually am lucky.

missed him the entire day. even talking to max didn't help, neither did occupying my mind with university entry. but anyhow, it's getting harder to take each day as it comes. because each day that passes, it gets harder not to just tell you iloveyou and get it off my chest. what holds me back? the thought of losing you as even a friend, that's how much you mean to me. but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do right? i don't know anymore.

tomorrow i have to be at nus by 6.30am. so i really should be getting off to bed. it's always nice to hear his voice every night, i wonder if things would change when he gets the girl. who am i kidding? of course it'll change, the dynamics always change when there is another girl involved. ah wells. amanda will continue smiling and be thankful for that one day in his arms; just like how you'll be thankful for that few days with your loved one. did i mention i could fall asleep hearing him over the phone? hahas. nights. just a short song, and a note.

i won't say [i'm in love]

[meg] if there's a prize for rotten judgement

i guess i've already won that

no man is worth the aggravation

that's ancient history, been there, done that

[muses] who'd ya think you're kiddin'

he's the earth and heaven to you

try to keep it hidden

honey, we can see right through you

girl, ya can't conceal it

we know how ya feel and

who you're thinking of

[meg] no chance, no way

i won't say it, no, no

[muses] you swoon, you sigh

why deny it, uh-oh

[meg] it's too cliche

i won't say i'm in love

i thought my heart had learned it's lesson

it feels so good when you start out

my head is screaming get a grip, girl

unless you're dying to cry your heart out, oh

[muses] you keep on denying

who you are and how you're feeling

baby, we're not buying

hon, we say ya hit the ceiling

face it like a grown-up

when ya gonna own up

that ya got, got, got it bad

[meg] no chance, no way

i won't say it, no, no

[Muses] give up, give in

check the grin, you're in love

[meg] this scene won't play

i won't say i'm in love

[muses] you're doing flips, read our lips

you're in love

[meg] you're way off base

i won't say it

get off my case

i won't say it

[mesus] girl, don't be proud

it's okay, you're in love

[meg] oh, at least out loud

i won't say i'm in love

what does living for the moment mean? i had it all planned out in my mind. i really did.

'i love you, i just thought you'd like to know. i hope this doesn't change anything between us. i just thought i'd like you to know before i never get the chance to tell you, i love you. i love you.' but it's so insincere over the phone, and a birthdy surprise is way too long. but we'll see how everything pans out, because amanda has already started her planning.

2007-03-05T23:24:00.000+08:00

i seriously don't feel like applying for university anymore.

i don't know why, but it just feels so meaningless.

everything feels so meaningless now.

all i want to do is sit in a corner and rot to death.

seriously.

i work from 9am till 6pm.

and with the APAIE conference now, it'll be from 7.30am till late.

so this week is burnt.

and everyone keeps telling me i need to start applying for university.

i've got no time, dammit.

i'm still not getting any sleep at night.

the nightmares just wouldn't leave me alone.

i just feel like crying and scaring my nightmares away with the tears.

wash it away with the tears.

drown them with my tears.

but it wouldn't work, would it?

nothing ever works for me anymore.

my mood's rock bottom, and no, things can't only get better.

because it's getting worse every fucking second.

i want to cry.

but crying is so useless, meaningless, weak.

amanda will not cry.

i should go now.

lie in bed and hopefully i don't start crying.

good night.

and maybe, goodbye.

2007-03-04T23:37:00.000+08:00

good evening.

i was happy for a while today, and then my mood took the fast path down into the pool of depression. or maybe it's not my mood, it's just the things that happen around me that make me feel depressed. but let's not focus on why i'm depressed, although you should know by now. i was happy this evening, even if it was only for a while. ok, a very long while. it did start off as slight depression, i was depressed. moping around the house, talking to the dog and to myself. and then decided to check my mail and read the funny e-mail that lynn sent to me. and i started laughing until i cried a little. and after that, my mood shot right into the sky and the clouds disappeared! well, from that moment in time i was happy. kept smiling and just felt generally well. not to mention i started talking to him soon after.

i still don't know what i am going to do. i've decided to just take one day at a time. but how do i do that when i'm constantly wondering if he knows the truth or if he's just really playing with my heart. and now that he knows what noone else knows, where do i begin to cage up my heart? i really didn't mean to tell him, he asked. and i told. i don't even know why i told him. was it trust, or was it my lovesick heart? i'm placing my bets on trust, after all, i can say i do trust him. but then again, maybe i trust too easily? hahas. but really, where do i start to cage up my heart now? i really don't know. and if you ever stumble upon this blog; an answer to your question.

if you could re-live one moment in the past, what would it be?

that morning, with you.

as for other matters, church and all. i'll just do what i always do. ignore them when there are more than one other person around who doesn't exactly get along well with me. i mean, it's worked with elvin. it's worked with jess. i don't see why it wouldn't work now with ben! and everyone else as well. *smiles*

all right, grand mother is back in the house. i better pack myself off to bed! before she comes in here raving and screaming like she always does. just this morning the invisible girl pissed her off and we were the recipients of her anger. nothing new there. so i should go now before i get pissed at her and start crying again. my eyes can't take it anymore and if i don't get some damn sleep into my system, i'm very likely to walk into a bus tomorrow. and then, bye bye. hahas. so i should go now. *hugs* thanks for reading! oh and before i go...

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN TO COLLEEN TANG!!!!!

i absolutely adore that girl. we need to go to sentosa during the march holidays! you, me, gen and steffie! we'll have so much fun! all righty then, i should get going. take care! *hugs* all my love!

is what i'm feeling wrong? is love ever wrong? how do i tell you i love you when i know i wouldn't be able to live with the consequences? what do i do, darling. please tell me, what should i do.

2007-03-03T01:15:00.000+08:00

good morning.

it's 1am in the morning and i'm not sleeping yet. but what i am, is drunk and pissed. well, i got drunk first and then i got pissed. but it doesn't matter now right? because everything is painfully clear. i really shouldn't have drunk anything. it just makes everything around me painfully clear. and it hurts how i can feel this aching pain really badly. i really am considering clawing my own heart out and locking it in a jar. but the prospect of pain just makes me shudder and move on to the next idea.

my results are ok. they're not fantastic. but i didn't fail. as for university. i'm considering not going just to spite her. but i'll probably end up going, if i can get in, this is. only this time, i'm going to be doing it for myself. not her. not you. not anyone, but me. and i didn't cry in school today! crying during the later part of the day has nothing to do with my results. and even my crying now, has nothing to do with my results. it's a whole different story all together.

before i start whining on my blog, today has just not been a really good day. everything just seems to be going wrong. despite the fact that i found eye candy, passed my 'a' levels and went on a shopping spree, everything is still crashing down on me. and i can't seem to stop crying.

well for one, i just found out, again, that i really don't matter. and really, i thought i would have been used to it. primary school. secondary school. junior college. and it still hurts like a bitch. proves my theory that no one can actually get used to pain. so yes, i'm not important. i want to hit something, i know i do. but the pain wouldn't override the pain in the middle of my chest. nothing really can, except the blade. but there's no point in returning to the blade. because this time, i'm thinking of taking the plunge. hahas. but i've still got so many things to do before i can actually do it. for one, i've still got work. second, i've yet to give my mother a better life. so, i suppose that has to be put off for a while. i'm sure satan can wait for another few more years, since he's been waiting since the start of time for my soul. but it just still hurts. but then again, maybe it's my fault. it was only a few days that i started talking to him again. but it's all right. amanda will find a way to smile.

sometimes i wonder if he really thought of making me into a fool. hahas. you know, tell someone about something they already know? and then when you tell them, they'll just say, 'yeah, i knew it' and you'll just feel stupid. but hey, look on the bright side. i can now take up my plan without any regrets. and even if i don't have the will power to see my plan through, the thought of days spent without tears is incentive enough. i think. but anyway, my plan is going to start today. and trust me, they'll never realize what happened.

just a small thank you to jesse. thank you for being there when i needed someone to reassure me. and to knock some sense into me about my faith. because trust me, it doesn't matter how many praise and worship sessions you go for, how many times you attend mass in a week, how many times you recieve holy communion that actually determines your ability to help a friend whose losing ground with her faith. it only matters that you care enough to be a friend. and again, it brings back the terrible memories.

maybe i'm remembering too much about the past, that's why the nightmares are returning again. or maybe all this is happening because my mind is just too damn fucking tired to deal with all these problems at once. i don't think i've even caught 8 hours of sleep in the past 8 days since that first nightmare. how much longer can i continue this? especially when i'm seeing things i really shouldn't. hopefully the nightmares will end soon. i hope they end before the worst of the nightmares start. because then, i don't think i'll even dare to close my eyes.

anyhow, i'm going to lie in bed and listen to music. i don't think i'll sleep, because i really don't think i'm in the right frame of mind to handle the nightmares. and i refuse to resort to taking the pills. i've had enough of medicine being pumped into me, i'm not going to start doing it to myself. well, i'll sign off here then. just a little something, for that special someone.

i should try to run

but i just can't seem to

cause everytime i run

you're the one i run to

2007-03-02T12:16:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

my hands are cold. my stomach is churning. my head is light. and i don't know what to do with myself right about now. another 43 minutes before mummy comes to pick me up. and then, it's off to school. and then by the time i reach school, it'll be an hour or so till the results are released. and then the talk by brother paul. after which the time would shorten to half an hour or even a few minutes. and before long, it'll be 2.30pm.

i'm determined not to cry. but i told myself that two years ago, and i still came out of the hall brawling despite not having failed anything. this time, i really don't know what i'm going to do. before i recived my 'o' level results, i had a feeling i was going to cry. to cry really really hard. but now, the feeling is much worse. it probably is worse than feeling dread. *sigh* what am i going to do. the urge to stab myself and end my misery is growing stronger as the second passes. hahas.

there is stations of the cross tonight at st stephen. sent out messages again, i wonder who will be there. well, i really should get going. maybe i'll blog about my results. maybe i don't. oh did i mention? we have a family gathering this saturday. fuck me. mummy said i can't not go. and there is definitely no way i'm going to be able to avoid the damn questions. maybe this is why i hate being the eldest. or even being in this family. because everyone just wants to see you at your lowest. ah well, life is hardly ever fair. and death is not an option. i'm determined to live with myself, and the scars. because as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? not really.

2007-03-01T12:52:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

apparently there have been a change of plans.

mother insists that she wants to follow me tomorrow.

and when i refuse, she whines.

so i have no choice but to say yes.

*sigh*

i really don't know how i'm going to react tomorrow.

i think god's letting it rain, so it'll wash my tears away, come tomorrow.

i want to say i've got people to fall back on.

people who'll help to pull me up when i'm at my lowest.

but i'm so afraid to depend on people.

because i've been let down so many times, i just don't believe in angels anymore.

i want to believe in you.

especially when you say you'll be there for me, no matter what.

but i've learnt never to trust guys who have no control of their hearts.

because i've been let down, one too many times.

but i want someone to lean on.

someone's shoulder to cry on.

someone to hug me.

someone to tell me that everything will be all right.

maybe i'm looking for them in the wrong places.

but what are the right places to look for friends?

we'll see what happens tomorrow.

maybe i'll survive, maybe i won't.

2007-03-01T09:56:00.000+08:00

good morning.

this is much worse than waiting for my 'o' level results. the nightmares are getting worse, this feeling of dread is intensifying every second, and my body seem to be breaking down on me. i really hate this anxiety, of waiting for something that you don't really want to happen. it's almost like knowing you're about to get into a serious accident. you just don't know if you're going to die, become a vegetable or survive and carry on with life. now i'm not making any sense, because my mind is so filled with anxiety, i'm hardly thinking about anything else.

i need to find back my will power. especially if i want to carry this out, essentially to protect my heart. i don't think i would be able to survive the blow, if at the end of the day, you return to her arms. but i'm not about to go running into arms i don't want to be in. i guess, in that way, i'm silently thankful. but really, despite all i want to do, i really don't see my will power holding myself to it. well, for one, because my will power is powered by my heart. and my heart doesn't want to let you go; it never wants to let you go. and so what is amanda to do? take one day at a time.

well, i should be going now. work is beckoning and i'm almost willing to do anything just to keep my mind busy, and away from thoughts of the results and of you. i really don't know what i'm going to do, can anyone tell me what i should do?

would you notice if i disappeared from your side one day? would you notice if i never smile again? would you notice if my heart grew cold towards you? would you notice if i never said i love you again?

2007-02-28T21:08:00.000+08:00

good evening.

something made me think today, about that day with you. i kept getting this nagging feeling, like something wasn't really right that day. and when i came home, did i then find out why i felt like that. how could you use me? it was just one day, a few hours, and you couldn't have looked at me and see me, not her. i hate being used, and you should know that, shouldn't you? i've already been used one too many times and i'm sick and tired of it. do i mean that little to you? i really want to know, i want to ask you, but i fear assuming too much. did you wish she was the one beside you that day? did you see her when you looked at me? did you feel her hand in yours when you held mine? did everything you say, for her or was it for me? maybe that was why you were suddenly distant. did reality come crashing down on you, that it was me beside you that day, not her. my hand you were holding, not hers. my ears your words were feeding, not hers. was that why you suddenly became distant? because if that was the reason, don't you think i deserve to know? don't you think for one second that i at least deserve to know, when i'm obviously not important to be treated as a person but to be used?

i'm sinking in again. and i'm not going to deny it this time. because some dark, sick, twisted part of me is delighting in the fact that i'm slipping deeper and deeper into the darkness. this reminds me of the time in bintan, when i was getting stuck in the mud. even if someone else wanted to help me out, they would risk sinking in themselves. i've got no choice but to get myself out. and then i think, what if i don't want to get myself out. i'm still holding on, the smile is still preventing me from sinking deeper into the darkness. but how much longer can a lone light hold out against the night? i don't know, i really don't know. maybe, just maybe, you've already lost me.

everyone keeps asking me about the up coming results. and the only thing i really want to say when i smile is, fuck off, it's none of your goddamn business. but now, amanda still has her manners and she shall not insult people for no reason when all they have done is tried to show concern. i don't know what i'm going to do when i get back my results. i'm definitely not going home with my mother. and i'm already thinking of turning off my phone, and just live in silence for a few hours. my immediate thought was of you. but i really should start depending on myself to make myself smile. after all, once she says yes, i doubt you'd be bothered with me anyone. i'll just be another girl. so anyway, i'll probably just live in silence for a while. i really hope i don't do anything stupid. hahas. was thinking of going to the beach, but wells. i don't trust myself in water when i'm depressed. but we'll see how it goes. maybe i'll pray for rain. so it'll wash all my tears away.

i think i'm going back into maple. vent off some of this frustration. and hopefully i don't end up more depressed than i already am. and really, that wouldn't be all too hard. good night, sweet dreams. thanks for dropping by to see if i'm still alive. *hugs* loveyou.

when did i realized i already fell for you? was in that afternoon i cried my eyes out when i found out you gave your heart away to someone else? that day my heart skipped you brushed against me? that afternoon my heart skipped when i read your message? part of me wishes i had never fallen, because then, i wouldn't be hurting this much. but part of me is thankful i did. because if i didn't, i wouldn't have remembered how wonderful it is to be in love. even in love with someone who isn't in love with you. and yes, i'm still thankful for that day. because as long as you don't confirm anything, i can fool myself into believe that for that five hours, i was the one in your heart.

2007-02-27T12:21:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

another restless night. i don't know how much longer i can go without sleeping for at least an hour every night. i already couldn't wake up this morning, and i'm seriously thinking of taking this entire week off! but no, i've already skipped work twice and it wouldn't do to continue this horrible habit. but i do wonder how long more i can take before i end up a walking zombie. and following that, i might just end up a bruised walking zombie. seeing as how i keep walking into things, bumping into furniture, thrown against bus seats in the morning. at least i don't bruise easily, but it hurts. and you know what extreme measures i usually take to avoid pain. *sigh* i'm already dreaming of my bed now. and how i wish i could just take the bus home and drop myself on my soft bed, with my pillows and my boster. my eyes are already drooping. argh!

why is it that everytime i tell myself i won't ever let anything happen between us, you make me want to change my mind? everytime my mind drifts, you're the first face to pop up in my mind. everytime i think of something, it always links back to you. i've even stopped my mind when it follows the same track to you. but really, i'm already losing ground. how much longer can i battle against my heart? right now, 2 years seem like a lifetime away. and maybe, i should try to stop getting close to you. after all, the closer i get, the tighter my heart is squeezed. but can i really? no, i don't trust myself.

anyhow, it looks like i'm about to stop seeing ben on saturdays already. because when i go for mass on saturday, mummy says that i probably won't go for mass on sunday again with her. so i think i'll just stop going for saturday mass. now why does my heart hurt? i don't know. hahas. argh. i'm brooding again, and i'm making myself depressed. shall go entertain myself now.

i love you.

2007-02-26T17:13:00.000+08:00

good evening.

swimming would be given a miss today, depsite the fact that i might encounter rain while i swim. but we would be going to NTUC to shop because mummy needs to buy things for the house. i don't particularly feel hungry. or hungry enough to have dinner, but mama cooked today. and if i decide not to eat, the whole house will be in chaos again. so i'll probably end up eating, just hopefully not as much as is desired by her.

another 45 minutes and i'm out of this place. i miss the days when i used to love work, but that was back at Citibank. but perhaps i was happier back then, not at work alone, but on the overall. if you cannot tell already, i'm trying to not become depressed. because i think that if i do fall down that dark hole again, i'm never getting out. and trust me, it really is indeed a scary thought.

the dreaded results are coming out this friday. before friday even comes, the whole world or rather, just my family would know the results are coming out. and by god i don't think i'll be able to face anyone. since the results are coming out in the afternoon, i might most probably be coming to work in the morning. and going down to school in the afternoon. and after that. i don't know. but i know i don't want to go home. and i definitely don't want to be with anyone. not even my mother. so maybe after i collect my results, i'll just disappear for a few hours. i don't think i'll do anything stupid. hopefully i don't do anything stupid. hahas. i know it isn't really very reassuring, but hopefully i'll still be alive on friday night. or there is the other option of getting dead drunk. a bottle of gin should be able to do the trick. but i don't know, it wouldn't be good to get dead drunk and end up doing something extremely stupid. i don't know which would be worse. the hang over the next morning or the memory of the stupid stunt i decide to do when i'm drunk. we will see what happens on friday. only another 4days and 21hours more until the time of truth. shit.

it is time to get back to work. i'm most probably going to be helping nicholas train his character again tonight, and for the next two nights to come. i'll most probably blog again tomorrow or wednesday, just to monitor my emotions. and if i'm already on the way down into depression. take care. thank you for reading. god bless. *hug*

how do i give you my heart

when you've already given your heart to someone else?

how do i tell you i comfort you

when you always look to her arms for comfort?

how do i tell you i love you

when your ears are only trained for her words?

but nevertheless, i love you.

just you.

2007-02-26T11:50:00.000+08:00

i wish i was doing this behind a door,

because then you might not hear me.

but we can't always get what we want.

i don't know how to say this.

i don't know why.

i don't know why i'm feeling like this.

the pain just won't go away

no matter what i do.

sometimes i wonder if the pain will go away if i stabbed myself.

you say we don't need a reason to love someone.

i don't have a reason.

i don't have a reason why i'm falling for you.

i don't have a reason why i'm still falling for you.

i don't have a reason why i love you.

i love you.

2007-02-25T11:31:00.000+08:00

good morning.

no, i didn't attend mass this morning. on one hand, i really couldn't get my ass out of bed without the fear of falling asleep on my feet. on the other hand, the dreams kept pulling me back in, and i apparently can't seem to stop them. the dreams, no, nightmares are returning again. i really don't know why it keeps happening. it stops for a while, leaves me in peace, and then comes back with a bloody vengence and i'm helpless against it. after all, how can you fight an invisible villian? and just in case you haven't figured it out already, this post is not going to be cheery or even slightly uplifting in any sense of the word. amanda is brooding, and it seems like nothing can lift my mood, not even you.

the first dream was on friday night. to tell you the entire dream, it would be much too long and extremely nonsensical because the weirdest part about everything? i knew deep down that i was dreaming. because how could nick have brought his lap top to school so i could talk to his friends. how could josceline drive a car around the racing track, with me in the passenger seat. but nevertheless, everything did feel real. the rosary beads in my hand, the heat on my back, the wind in my face. and it was at times like that, that made me really wonder if i wasn't just only dreaming. after all, do you really believe we're the only ones alive in this world? but then again, it could just be my imgaination, i do read a whole lot of nora robert books and they touch on topics or alternate universe. anyhow, i went through the dream. i remember praying. although the part where i was praying kind of fast forward, but i did remember praying. and i can still feel the gut wrenching pain when you called me your sister. and then the story took a twist, something wrong had happened and we had to leave, immediately. i could remember the excitment. of leaving this place, to go somewhere else where i could start all over again. where me and mummy could have a new life and not face all this nonsense. and then, i remembered you. and that pain returned. suddenly, i thought to myself that the dream wasn't real. i wasn't going anywhere, i wasn't going to leave and never see you again. but the pain wouldn't subside and i started crying. and then i woke up, i just opened my eyes and i saw the white of my ceiling. but the pain was still there, and my eyes were wet. i don't know why, but i continued to cry because really, the pain wouldn't go away. so i cried until the pain slowly turned into an aching pain.

the pain of losing someone you really love. ben says he's experienced it before and i believe him. because yes, i have lost someone i really loved before. but it didn't hurt like this, it never hurt this bad. but what does it mean? because i know, that nothing will ever come out from this relationship. crushes come and go, they never make you feel like you'd rather die than suffer with the pain in your chest. it really was never like this with anyone else. yes, even when elvin was asking advise on how to court another girl, it never hurt this bad. but what am i suppose to do? josh tells me to tell him or move on. i want so badly to tell him, but then would rejection hurt more or his ignorance? i mean, he may not want to lose me as a friend and then decides to act like i never said anything. really, i don't know which would hurt more. his rejection or his ignorance. i'm trying desperately to move on, but it's so hard when everything is already intricately tied together. i talked to jessica last night, and the giddy feeling when talking about someone you fancy returned. it made me want to giggle, it made me want to smile and it made me want to just kiss him. how do i move on when all my thoughts revert back to him? i talk to cindy, i try not to talk about him because she just went through a break up but when she asks, everything just gushes out and i'm unable to stop the high feeling i get. when i talk to ben, it just automatically reverts back to him. and i am certain i have found a kindred spirit in ben. with josh, it's hard to contain myself because he knows just about everything that has happened thus far. i'm sincerely trying to stop even discussing him with anyone i talk to. but it's hard, especially when every one decides that they want to talk about their other halves. but let me tell you my second nightmare, it's making me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

i saw nicholas cheang. we signed up for the same damn cip at some crazy weirdo place. andrew was there, and he refused to keep me company so nicholas couldn't talk to me. i saw a few other people as well, from ij. well, that wasn't as important as the fact that nicholas kept trying to talk to me. to say the least, i was majorly pissed off. for one, he was trying to get back with me. and i don't know how he knew about him but he did say this, "he'll never be yours so you might as well return to me." the gut wrenching pain returned again. but i bit my lip and the tears never came. the rest of the dream wasn't important anymore and everything just blended into one haze. i do remember however, calling ben. we talked and i cried. i don't remember much about what he said, but at least the pain did subside a little. and then, i woke up.

worst way to end a dream, without really knowing what it means. and i refuse to return to nicholas cheang even if i don't ever find out how this relationship with him would turn out. but to tell you the truth, it was an extremely disturbing dream. how could i ever let myself go back to nicholas cheang even if i can't make this work with him. oh goodness, the thought of it is making me sick. seriously! but what does it mean, really? that i should just move on, or just wait? after all, love tried by time is the best, isn't it? but we'll see, because frankly speaking, i don't think anything is going to be happening now, or even in the near future. i already miss him, damn.

well, something good that happened to me yesterday was going to nicholas' ong's place. benjamin, vincent and charlene were there as well (: how can a girl not smile when she's with ben? hahas. nothing much i can write here, i really don't wish to go into any rant that i wouldn't be able to get myself out of. all i can say is that, yesterday, i'm certain i lost another part of my heart. i really need to get tags on my heart, so i don't go losing them at every opportunity. hahas. anyhow, just a short note before i get going.

how do i say i love you without scaring you away? how do i prove, to myself or anyone else, that you're not, never have been and never will be, a replacement for him. how do i know i really love you, and it's not my heart's desperate need to love? because even in five years time, i still see this flame burning for you.

2007-02-25T00:52:00.000+08:00

good morning.

yes, according to joshua, it is really early in the morning. i might have to be going soon, mummy is coming down from jurong to pick us up and send us back. yes, i'm not at home. currently am at nick's place. i can't do this, not know and probably not ever. it really sucks not being able to say what you actually feel, or even talk to someone about it. i wish elvin were awake. at least that way, i've got someone to make me smile. but josh is here, i really am truly thankful for him.

i only wish for your happiness, even if it means forever darkness for me.

2007-02-22T10:10:00.000+08:00

good morning!

i'm in another one of my moods again. but don't worry, it is much better than the mood i was in on monday. it really did bring a whole new meaning to monday blues. well, for one, today cindy isn't here. i think she's sick. she was still sniffing away yesterday. ah wells, looks like uncle harris is off to lunch alone. i really don't feel like eating. don't worry, i'm not trying to starve myself to death. i just really don't feel like eating, maybe it's my mood. ah wells.

i'm still not sure if i'm suppose to be happy that i can still feel my heart beating or devestated that my heart is beating for someone whose looking else where for love. hahas. i mean, on one hand, i should be happy that i can feel my heart beating. the high giddy feeling when i'm with him. and everything sweet and warm associated with being in love. after all, life is short, shouldn't we be glad for all we can feel? at least, in my world, it's better to be able to feel than to feel nothing at all. can you even imagine a world without feelings? *shudders* but on the other hand, it hurts. every time my heart skips a beat, reality dissolves the ground under my heart and it just plummets to the ground. and there's nothing at the bottom to catch it or to cushion it's fall. i do keep telling myself that i really shouldn't be angry at anyone else but myself. after all, he doesn't know i like him. you really can't be angry at a person for something he or she doesn't know about. it just hurts, you know. so what is a girl to do?

so many things are going wrong this year. it just really seems like a very bad year thus far. hahas. and not to mention, in a few weeks time, it would have been a year since i last saw him. a year since i last talked to him. it's rather funny how i always did think we were meant to be. but then again, perhaps not. he made me smile on occasion, he made me hurt more more than occasionally, he made me doubt constantly. come to think of it, i would really hate to think i was a damn replacement for joycelyn. because trust me, that would hurt more than knowing he probably never loved me. but ah wells. amanda is really a sucker for pain. i really just had to fall for a guy whose already given his heart away. why do i always do this to myself? don't ask me, because if i knew, i would stop myself.

there are so many decisions to be made, so many choices. and i'm simply stalling for time because i simply refuse to make the wrong choice, or decision. but i know one decision that i'm determined to keep to. and that's never telling him anything. hahas. because trust me, i don't think i can stand the consequences. not now, and probably not ever. it would hurt too much and i don't think this heart can take anymore beatings.

i can't believe how i'll really do just about anything for him. sure, i would do stuff for ben. for elvin. for vince. but i'll really do just about anything for him. murder is a different story, because i would never be able to live with the nightmares. hahas. so yes, it's slightly freaky. but i'm thankful josh is keeping my feet on the ground. but i'm hardly talking to him nowadays. and i really need to try and do this myself. i can't always depend on someone else. i really want my swimming pool now. hahas. i hope we would be going swimming tonight because i really need to clear my mind. no doubt it'll be clogged up agian the moment i reach home and start thinking, but at least for a short span of time, i'll have a peace of mind. it's really hard to get that nowadays. with all this going on. *screams*

well, i really should get going. because if i don't, the only person i'm going to talk about it him. everything right now seems to be revolving around him. argh! i just wish we had more pockets of time together. memories do soothe my heart, especially when i refuse to face up to reality. but how much longer can i dream to soothe my heart? how much longer can i turn away from reality? i really don't know. i just hope that when i decide to face up to reality, my heart's cushioned enough to carry on, even after him.

i miss you. i can't believe how much i miss you. can you miss someone so much? i suppose it is true, you can miss someone even when you're sitting right next to them. i always wish for another moment in time for us, but the future looks bleak. i still can't believe how much i love you.

2007-02-19T12:22:00.000+08:00

good morning.

i'm not suppose to be here, but i really just don't care anymore. especially not when i woke up to hearing someone say that i'm just not goddamn good enough for her. i still don't understand why i'm not fucking good enough. she takes her frustrations out on me. she makes me do things for her, constantly. all the fuck she has to do is ask, not even nicely mind you, and i've got to do it for her. she shouts and she gets her fucking way in the house. oh, have i mentioned? me and mother are the only fucking people she shouts at and that have to work to her fucking will. she doesn't ask anyone else to do anything for her, why? because amanda and her mother are there to do every goddamn thing for her. when we lead our own fucking lives, she complains that we leave her at home. she complains that she has no goddamn money to spend. and that just really pisses me off, do you know why? because no other person in this fucking family brings her out. no other person in this fucking family gives her money to spend. she takes money from us, with no questions ask, no explaination given. when she takes money from every other goddamn person in this family, she has to explain her actions and live according to their goddamn will. now don't you see why she'd rather take all her goddamn frustration out on me and my mother? i'm fucking sick and tired of it.

it's not like i don't goddamn understand that we need to provide for her because she's old. what would you want me to do? sell my body so she has money to go out, to go and play mahjong? if i could find anyone who'd pay money to sleep with me, why the fuck not. after all, it's not like she fucking cares how i get the money, as long as she's got money to spend. does she not fucking think i hate myself for even spending my own money to make my mother smile? does she not think i hate the fact that i don't have enough cash to make my mother smile? does she fucking think i like to live sparingly and scrape out the non essential things in my goddamn life? i'm a fucking 18 year old for god's sake. i'm considering of taking up a second job on weekends. i beginning to not care if my social life is suffering or if i don't get enough sleep at night. because i'd rather be anywhere else than in this house.

so what do i do now? i want to run away, but where do i run to? there really is so much i can take. she tells every other person who'd listen to her that all i do is sulk. that i don't smile enough, that i'm not happy enough. how does she expect me to be happy when she throws all this shit on me? grandfather scolds her for spending unnecessary money, she takes it out on me and my mother on how we're not cleaning the goddamn house. aunty scolds her for spending too much money, she complains to us about how god's not helping her. uncle buys her a new phone, she says how he's so good to her and that we never do anything for her. but she doesn't remember anything we've done for her does she? the money to pay the bills, she takes and never returns. which then equals to stopping me from buying that new radio to replace my old one so i can pay the bills. and i've emptied out my new computer savings. so i seriously doubt i'll buy a new desktop come next march. but i suppose it is ok. after all, who really needs a desktop when i've already got my lap top?

she shouts at us for not bothering to clean the house. i would say it is partly my fault because i'm just too goddamn lazy. my mother's working almost 24/7 and all she can do is shout at her. sometimes i just want to slap her to wake her up. but i can't do that can i? because then everything would be my fault. then again, like it always is. maybe i should start cleaning the house every wednesday night or something. after all, the rest of my nights are booked. why not just kill my social life and devote it to being the goddamn granddaughter that never does anything and is the ungrateful bitch. after all, i'm doing a fucking good job of that now. but there's nothing much to give up, since i don't have a social life. hahas.

and it's only the second day of chinese new year and i'm crying. oh god, i'm useless. i want to go out, but then again all i want to do is curl up in bed and cry. i just don't know what to do anymore. im so fucking pissed off now i'm not daring to go near anyone for fear of something triggering me off. apparently it just happened. i hate my goddamn self. i hate my goddamn self.

2007-02-19T02:13:00.000+08:00

good morning.

i would blog about all the things that made me smile today, because the things that made me want to cry are just too much and too complicated to be written about. for one, seeing jess in the morning brightened up my day. and that evening conversation with ben, just makes me want to smile. there really are only a few people who can make me laugh when i want to cry, to be happy when i'm down in the dumps. oh goodness me, my eyes are dying here. i better head to bed. i'm sorry, i will blog again tomorrow.

i can't believe how much i miss you. i can't believe how much i'm thinking about you. i want to stop this aching pain, but i'm thankful for this pain. because it means i'm still alive, and that i can still love. afterall, what is worse than not being able to love? when we talk on the phone, i don't think about how it used to be. when you touch me, i don't think about how his hand used to cover mine. and when i curl into you in the middle of the night, it's not his warmth i'm missing; it's your touch i'm missing.

2007-02-17T12:42:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

well, i blogged yesterday. but you wouldn't have seen the post because i deleted it. there really is no point in analyzing what i already know. i'm always the next choice. anyhow, those of you who know. i trust you and love you enough to tell you. those of you who don't, don't worry your heads about it because i don't want to trouble you with all my whinings and pouting, it might push you over the edge. so yes, i deleted the post. after talking to josh, and myself, i guess it's just best to take each day as it comes. and not to let the pain eat me alive. because i just refuse to be controlled by something as weak as pain. anyhow, i will only say it is a day that will be locked in my memory forever, even when thinking about it brings tears. sad tears, happy tears. they taste and look the same don't they? anyhow, have been tossing and turning in bed the entire night. just got my hair done, and am waiting anxiously for benji to call. he's not at home, he's not answer his phone calls or messages. can you tell i'm worried? anyhow, just hope he's ok. since he refuses to talk to me *pout* but i guess sometimes people just need their space.

i'm over deligted with my hair. and it wasn't as expensive as i thought it would have been, but then again, there were always the other factors. hahas. anyhow, i'm delighted. and i'm making sure no one's going to spoil my day, today and tomorrow. it still hurts to think about him, but i'm coping. at least i've got josh to make me laugh. i thank god everyday for alex, if it weren't for him, i would have never met josh. anyhow, i'm getting down again. thinking about him always pulls my mood to the lowest it can go. but i'm determined not to let this rule my actions. because if he's determined to play, i can play as well.

ah, see. talking about his has totally destroyed my mood. i shall go and listen to music and stare at my hair. maybe it'll lift my spirits. hahas. blog again after cny celebrations and stuff. and reactions to my hair, hahas. *hugs* thanks for reading! loveya.

loving you comes so naturally to me, and i don't know why.

2007-02-14T09:19:00.000+08:00

life is truly a bitch. i just solved one problem, and now, another one has just popped up. it's my fault, i know goddamn it. but what can i do when all i want to do now is really lock myself up and cry. cry until i've got no more tears. cry until i've purged everything from my system. cry until i can smile properly again. this reminds me of last year, march. when no matter how much i wanted to cry. to lie in bed and wallow in the pain, to cry until i fell asleep. wake up and cry again, until i can think of him, bring up his face and not cry. but no matter how much i wanted to cry, i woke up at 5 every morning. took the damn bus to school. sat through tutorials, lectures, assemblies, meetings. went to church and prayed, despite the pain. i didn't have time to grive. and when i found those pockets of time on saturday evenings, i'll cry until my eyes are swollen and my chest's constricted that it's hard to breathe. but now, it's harder to come to work when you've got noone to take your mind of the situation. when all you do is sit at the computer with hours on end for you to think, ponder, wonder. it's even harder still to smile now, just to let people know that everything's all right, because it's not. but really, what can i do but continue my life. grit and bear. smile, nod, pretend. best advice i've found online since god knows when. maybe it'll be better soon, or maybe not. i hate my damn photographic memory. i'm going to vent my frustration on work now. before that, here's gabrielle's 'out of reach'.

knew the signs
wasn't right
i was stupid for a while
swept away by you
and now i feel like a fool
so confused
my ~~heart~~'s brusied
was i ever loved by you?

out of reach, so far
i never had your heart
out of reach
couldn't see
we were never
meant to be

catch myself
from despair
i could ~~drown~~
if i stay here
keeping busy everyday
i know i will be ok

but i was
so confused
my ~~heart~~'s brusied
was i ever loved by you?

out of reach, so far
i never had your heart
out of reach
couldn't see
we were never
meant to be

so much hurt
so much ~~pain~~
takes a while
to regain
what is lost inside
and i hope that in time
you'll be out of my mind
and i'll be over you

but now i'm
so confused
my ~~heart~~'s brusied
was i ever loved by you?

out of reach, so far
i never had your heart
out of reach
couldn't see
we were never
meant to be

out of reach
so far
you never gave me your heart
in my reach, i can see
there's a life out there
for me.

2007-02-13T12:04:00.000+08:00

*runs around the room screaming* why am i suddenly hearing all the songs that make me want to cry?! *continues running around the room screaming* first it was 'what hurts the most' and now it's 'you and me'. i would stop listening to the radio but how am i going to live through 6 hours without music? hahas. oh wells, shall just live with it! no reason to hate the song because it makes me want to cry. hahas. going to play online games now. it's lunch but i'm not going down. everything i eat, comes back up the same way. i'm sick of the taste of vomit in my mouth. so no lunch. hopefully i'll be able to eat dinner. why does everything always happen the same time? argh.

2007-02-13T10:22:00.000+08:00

move along - all american rejects
speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like i know you do
and even when your hope is gone
move along, move along just to make it through

so a day when you've lost yourself completely
could be a night when your life ends
such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
all the pain held in your
hands are shaking cold
your hands are mine to hold

speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like i know you do
and even when your hope is gone
move along, move along just to make it through
move along

that's not the entire song, just the chrous and one verse. there's no need to repeat the chrous when it just repeats the same lines over and over again. i heard this song on the radio, and it just made me think. maybe that might just be my solution. maybe i should go and listen to the songs i gave to ben last year, it might help since i chose the songs for the sole purpose of cheering that boy up. but looking at my mood, i think the songs would hardly do any good but i'm willing to try almost anything at this point in time. moving along right now sounds like the best option yet. i won't ignore the pain, but i'm not going to indulge myself in tears because they're useless and pointless. pain, anger, sadness can always be channelled into other areas of your life to improve your life, it doesn't always have to bring your life down. i have reached a semi conclusion at this point in time about my love life. came to be while i was lying in bed at 2am, staring at the ceiling. then shifting to see the statue of infant jesus and mother mary. as compared to her pain, and his, why can't i endure this and move on with my life? there really is no need to pull anyone else into this situation i created myself, really, there isn't.

for one, i've decided that i should just keep quiet about it. ben knows, but he'll forget it sooner or later. jun hao knows but he's busy with his own life. jessica knows but she's probably forgotten about it by now, hahas. i guess there really isn't any way he's going to find out. unless i get drunk and start telling the whole universe about my feelings. hahas. so yes, no getting drunk around him. i think i should be able to manage it. it's not like we're going to go drinking anytime soon. but just in case, if i do get drunk, please keep me away from him. hahas. so yes, i've decided to just let it be. i brought the pain onto myself so i'll get through this, myself. there's no need to burden him with anything, he's got his own problems in the love department and doesn't need to be worrying about me. hahas. and there's no need to keep talking about it to someone else, it just makes it hurt more. hopefully i'll get out of this ditch soon enough. i really don't know how long i can continue this facade without breaking down.

while i was swimming yesterday i thought about ~~him~~ again. i didn't tell you did i? i used to have dreams about ~~him~~, but it was mostly about church. there was one where he was wearing ~~his~~ glasses and we went for mass together, he wasn't serving mass. and then my mind shifted and how i've dreamt of him until i'm afraid to sleep. because sleep would mean dreaming, unless i'm dead tired and just fall asleep immediately. if not, the dreams will come. and how can i stop myself when my dreams are pulling me in deeper? i refuse to lose sleep over this, but it's a choice between my sleep and my heart. i'd rather lose sleep. anyhow, the e-mail he sent me came back to mind. it's so easy to blame ~~him~~ for what he did, and yet, the joke's on me. i don't think i'll ever be able to get the words out of my mind, or the way i hear ~~him~~ saying it in my mind. i wonder if there are any operations that would allow you to take out bits and pieces of your memory, because trust me, i'll be the first to sign up. hahas. but then again, memories are what make you stop from making the same mistakes. and i suppose, in some twisted way, it's stopping me from making the same mistake of telling him anything. *sigh* i miss him already.

swimming was fun yesterday. 25laps. i think i beat my own record, but it's no time to slack. the faster i swim, the more laps i swim, the more i burn. and the more i burn my frustrations out. although i would love for a time to just lie in the pool and float. the sound of the water is really calming and it soothes me. pity it didn't rain because i was really looking forward to the freezing water. after around 5 laps, the water didn't feel cold on my skin anymore. maybe that's why my heart's still no frozen yet, the water isn't cold enough! hahas. stupid joke, don't tell me about it.

what else can i say now? every damn second the feeling just grows and i'm helpless against it. but i'm sticking to my stand, i'm not going to dump this burden on him. as long as he's happy, i guess i'll try and make myself happy. that doesn't mean i can't detest her or feel pangs of jealousy. hahas. i'm not a selfless girl mind you. i just don't want another person hurt. well, i really should get going. i'm coming down with something. vomited twice already. i hope there wouldn't be a third time. well, did i mention i miss him? hahas! i'm hopelessly in love. *sigh* thanks for taking time to read! i really appreciate it.

now i know, without a doubt, you're the one who has my heart.

2007-02-12T17:20:00.000+08:00

good evening.

two posts in one day. i really am in need of a proper outlet for me to get everything out. before i break down and start crying again, especially if it's in the office toilet. since my last post, there have been highs. there have been lows. and i must admit, i really do get myself into the worst situations ever. i doubt anyone else gets themselves into such situations where you can do nothing else but grit your teeth and bear the pain. especially when every other option either hurts someone else or makes you lose more. i really don't think i've ever met anyone as dumb as me.

i am seriously pissed off at the fact that she doesn't answer her damn phone calls. because guess what? the clients never take it out on her, when she doesn't answer her phone calls but guess whose the recipient of their long drawn out talks about their problems? me. i should refrain from swearing because it's not very becoming and i think i should be more like a lady than cursing in every sentence, reminds me of someone i'd rather not mention here. so i just grit my teeth and listen to them drone on and on and on. and i'm thinking, don't you have better things to do?! *screams into the pillow* and she just keeps telling me she doesn't want to answer the damn call and so i have to start making excuses. and when they ask for the gm, and i tell him, she tells me off. and the only two words going through my mind are '**** you'. she really pisses me off, big time. i really want to hit her but can you actually hit your supervisor and not get sued? hahas.

and then there is the annoying people. hahas. the people who don't give a damn about you, unless you're of same status or higher. i just realized that she does know my name! especially when she wants me to do work for her. never have i heard her voice so sweet before. actually, on second thought, just now was probably the first time she's talked to me. i don't mind doing errands for the others because they are nice, and they say hello and stuff when we pass each other. it's like i don't exist when she walks past me. *blasts the music and start screaming* can you tell me you wouldn't feel offended? i'm a human with feelings for goodness sake.

lunch was dry. i had fish soup, which was not filling as my stomach is making noise now. but i refuse to eat, i don't really feel hungry, my stomach just makes noise at odd time intervals. hahas. i need to cut down on my food, and increase my hours of exercise. i want to lose it all. doubt it'll make me overly happy or excited, but i need someone to keep my mind of someone. see, it didn't work because i just mention that person. i'm a useless freak, i swear. *stabs pillow with a blunt knife*

i still have no comment for my current situation. only thing i can tell you now is that since i got myself into this damn mess, i'll just bear the pain and get over it. just until he gets attached, or my heart stops beating. hopefully which ever option happens, it happens fast because god knows i cannot fight any much longer, i'm losing ground. fast.

ok, i need to go now. swimming. i hope it rains, i really need to freeze my heart, and maybe it'll be ok. i wonder why it was never this hard with elvin, or even nicholas cheang. but that is a question to ponder on another day. i got to go. thanks for stopping by just to read what's been up in my life.

please don't be mistaken
when i see you, i don't see him
when i hug you, i don't wish it was him
when i say i love you, i don't love him anymore

2007-02-12T10:13:00.000+08:00

good morning.

right now, i feel like a fool. don't ask me why. was it my crying spree this weekend? was it the fact that i might have already lost a friend [i'm sorry andrew, i still love you.]? was it my sudden urgent need to hurt ~~him~~? or is it just the fact that no matter what i had done during the weekend, i'm still back at square one. only now, my heart's already bleeding and my head is hurting. not to mention my damn eyes hurt.

what do you do when you're faced with a similar situation? especially when your previous experience left you bleeding and alone? i am determined to leave it alone. to let it go. to let you be happy. but what can a girl do when she has always been ruled by her heart and now, this is a tugging she doesn't want to ignore. the most comments i've got have either been to take it as it comes, to make a choice, to confront him, to leave it to fate.

taking it as it comes, from previous experience, always leaves me unsettled and unsure. i'm no good when i'm nervous. damn.

making a choice makes me want to be selfish. and i'm no good selfish when after that, i begin to detest myself. besides, his happiness always means more than mine. love sucks.

confronting him seems like the worst answer out of the top four suggestions. the last time i did that, i ended up with my heart bleeding and my eyes cried out. horrible experience that i really do not want to go through again. besides, it will be awkward. and i rather hurt than lose a friend. it always hurts more when you treasure the friendship. so i guess that puts it out of the running.

leaving it to fate makes me feel that it probably wouldn't happen. hahas. fate has played games with me before, maybe i'm sick and tired of them, but i'd like to have control of my heart when it all comes down to it. so what is a girl to do?

i have not come up with a solution yet but i got myself into this mess, i'll get out. no matter what the consequences. i'm willing to claw myself out of these chains, even if it means losing an arm. i'm just not ready to lose my heart and him. losing an arm doesn't seem as significant as losing him and my heart. maybe i'm used to be control of my own heart, but now, it's defying me. it's determined to belong, it wants to belong. and with valentine's day coming up, this damn heart just won't listen to me anymore.

on a high note, mummy has got her new phone. 6288. she's happy and that's good. i'm willing to do anything to shift the attention away from me. i've got too much to handle. frankly, i don't think i'll be able to handle my results now. it's too scary, and i can't imagine what would happen if it's the last straw. my will power is dying out, and the need for pain is overpowering. let's just pray for divine intervention, maybe someone will have pity on me.

i should get going back. this post has been, unfruitful. i'm still confused, hurt and undecided. maybe i'll just see how it goes. hopefully i'm able to get a cushion for my heart as it falls. because i know, no one's going to be at the bottom to catch it.

just a small thank you to benjamin tan again. hahas. i love him. i really really love him. no one's been there for me as much as you have, and i really appreciate it. i would do almost anything to make you smile again, but there is only so much i can do. and with my battered heart, it's harder to make you smile when my smiles are fake. but you'll get through it, i know you will. don't wait for me, because i doubt i'll make it out. *sigh*

every skip this battered heart makes, makes me realize that it's still alive enough to love you.

2007-02-11T01:13:00.000+08:00

as ansdrew puts it, i'm consistently depressed. and i happen to think i am too. i guess sometimes the hole's so deep you just learn to live with it. so much so that i don't notice it anymore. it's just another kink in my routine.

i should learn to lean on myself, and to not depend on anyone else. be it for happiness. or advise. or even a shoulder to cry on. because i always get more depressed when i realize i can't find one. funny isn't it?

i long to feel the coolness of the blade again. even the contrast of colour has it's attraction for me. and the split second when i forget the pain in my chest provides the most incentive. but i'm still fighting this losing battle. every thought i kill, ten more pop up.

i am still thinking of an alternate job. i just need someone to break me first before i start, that way, it'll hurt less. hopefully. but where will i find the time to start? i'm expected home at night, everyday. kind of hard to run a business if i'm not there every night.

i am thinking of leaving. there's no reason for me to continue here when i can go somewhere else and be a sunday catholic. the less attachment i have, the less pain i'm inflicted with. i wouldn't need to delete the numbers or names from my memory. because i'm already forgotten. i'm always forgotten.

the renewed pain i felt that first night with elvin returned. it still does hurt as much as it did the first time when you've not done it for a long time. it seems to always happen to only me. maybe i am cursed for cursed is the man who trusts in man.

maybe i should start on a spiritual journey again. fasting helps doesn't it? i'm thinking of stopping lunch entirely. saturday novenas, maybe i should just find a nice spot and pray the entire day. the rosary of our lady, i used to pray for so much but now, the answer is always no. maybe i should start, after all, lent is approaching.

i have given up on love and fairy tales. there is no such thing as love and fairy tales were made to please children enough to sleep. i think it's forever going to be me, myself and i. maybe i'll ensure i'm financially stable and adopt. there really isn't a need for a guy, who just mucks everything up. but this feels insincere. my heart longs for love and continues its search for my prince. and as it searches, it aches painfully in my chest. every beat causes agony.

maybe until i become emotionally stable will i start talking again. for now, i only respond. there is no point in setting myself up for heartache when i already know the truth. but i am a sucker aren't i? every skip of my heart tells me that despite the circumstances, i'm still falling.

should i pull out of my commitments since i am unstable? i don't know. what would i do if i didn't have something to occupy myself, i will go mad with boredem. but i will most probably be smiling tomorrow, so we will play by ear.

final thank you to ben. i'm the most pissing off sibling anyone could have dreamt of having. sorry the conversation didn't help because i'm still crying and my bed is wet. maybe if the circumstances were different or if the trigger was different, i would have healed faster. but these kind of wounds, inflicted unconsciously, are the worst kind a girl has to bear. i don't think i will ever have the chance to explain it to you. but thank you for trying, god loves you.

i should sleep before mummy comes home and sees my swollen eyes, red nose and tissues all over my bed. there will be questions that i do not want to answer. so i shall go first. maybe when i am in a more stable mood, i will return to blog. but until than, if you see me in the papers, don't fret. i doubt i'll haunt you.

every skip this battered heart makes, makes me realize that it's still alive enough to love you.

2007-02-10T11:02:00.000+08:00

good morning.

yes, amanda woke up early today. haven't been able to sleep much these few nights. too many dreams, too much on my mind. but anyway, at least the scary ones don't come back to haunt me anymore. the 'o' level results were out yesterday. i only got 2 calls out of the hundreds of people i know who are taking their 'o' levels. hahas. but anyhow, congrats to those who did well. and for those who still can't accept your results, god always has a plan. trust me, i should know when i'm about to take back a failing report card in the weeks to come. anyway! no unhappiness this morning, it's too much to take especially since i'll be going for the NTU talk tomorrow. really don't think i can make it, but mummy's going to make noise and start asking me why i'm so...like that. and trust me when i say i don't know. i just feel so, bored. that really i don't understand why i'm studying so damn much when it's not working. *sigh* this blog was suppose to make me happy, and i'm dwelling too much on the things in my mind. next topic!

for one, i've got my cny outfit finished. and it is almost exactly how i imagined it to be. now all i have to do is wear it and pray to god i don't fall flat on my face. hahas. i think i should always be standing beside someone, you know, just in case i fall. hahas. bought three clutches. i couldn't help it. mummy's using one, and i'm using one. hahas. this cny has been slightly over spending, i guess i just have to save over the next few weeks. *smiles*

i can't believe that is all that i can think of that has made me happy this week. work is still the same. there are times when i feel like hitting things, people, inaminate objects but i refrain from doing that. hahas. amanda's a nice girl. hahas. yeah right.

there are so many things on my mind right now. i want to blog about them but. for one they make me feel like crying even when i think about them. but the past week, i've been able to smile through them haven't i? i just have to smile and hope they'll go away. though i highly doubt that would be the case. hahas. amanda's problems never disappear. they just get squished and shoved to the back of her mind and locked in a dark cold room. more often than not, i lock myself in there as well. hahas. see, my nose is already running and my eyes are burning. and the aching has returned. i think if someone cut me up right now, they wouldn't find my heart, just a gaping hole. *sigh* i'm becoming morbid, i know. maybe i should write patty and xavier's deaths. get all this out of me, and maybe after killing two people i would feel much better. hahas. i should go now. need to go and bathe. nail appointment later in the afternoon then meeting the guys. doubt i'll see elvin, i'm considering just getting out of the damn pictre but. *sigh* i hate myself, did you know that? *pout*

i better go. you better go before your mood falls down with mine. *hugs* thanks for stopping by. swing by the tag board? i really thing blogging has just become my own facination and morbid need to account my day and my feelings. hahas. ciao. i may not have my heart, but i know i love you.

2007-02-08T08:50:00.000+08:00

good morning.

it has been a while since i last blogged. i cannot say my mood has improved since then, but there have been highs since then. and yes, they were triggered by a guy. but more about that later. i've already decided to go all out for cny. i figure if i have to see my whole family for reunion dinner and cny morning, i would at least want to be happy rather than pouting my way through the lunar new year. and besides, this might most probably be my only chance at rebellion. hahas. amanda needs a cause, she always does. nothing much has happened since sunday. ben's still hurting. i should knock him over the head with my three inches but i'm afraid to break them and i know what it's like to go through it so i'm going to give him a break. aren't i such a sweet girl? yeah right anyway! jessica is still alive. i'm going to head over to her blog this evening to tag, she says it's a ghost town. apparently she hasn't been here! hahas. i don't think anyone comes here anymore. but i guess because i hardly talk to anyone, this is probably my only outlet for frustration and nonsensical talk. but then again, now there is nick. hahas!

if you have read my msn nickname, yes, there are too many similarities for me to ignore this damn fluttering of my non exsitent heart. maybe this time i won't screw up and lose a friend. but i must say, he does make me smile much more than he ever did. i really should stop comparing because it's making ~~him~~ look bad. hahas! maybe i really am over him, and trust me, you don't know how happy that makes me. because there is no way this girl is going to cry over a b*stard who doesn't have enough balls to break up with a girl properly. and i'm not sorry if i'm insulting your manhood. *sticks tongue out at you*

i did my toe nails yesterday! hahas. talking to nick over the phone probably dulled the pain, especially when my other baby toe nail got chipped off, again. *argh* i've got baby soft nails. anyhow, there are done and wonderful. beautiful. and i absolutely adore them! i'm planning to do the same for my finger nails. i sincerely hope i can protect them until cny, so i don't have to redo them. because the nail art is really good. by the way, i'm talking about my fingernails. i doubt i'll be able to destroy my toe nails and those seeing me before cny, don't you dare step on my toes! there, my tow nails are safe. i think. hahas. wells, work is starting soon.

i'll delve more into stuff later. i'm too bored now to talk. or maybe i'm smiling too much and there isn't anything else i want to talk about but him. hahas. no, i don't think this is love. maybe it's just strong friendship. but i must say, my heart feels differently for everyone. elvin. ben. moses. nick. zac. alph. max. ivan. no one really evokes the same emotions. hahas. i'm a weird girl, i know. well, going to swim tonight! *dances around in a circle* gotta run! take care, thank you for reading. please please leave a tag. *hugs* love you!

2007-02-04T23:06:00.000+08:00

purest of pain - son by four
i'm sorry i didn't mean to call
but i couldn't fight it
i guess i was weak and couldn't even hide it
and so i surrender just to hear your voice

i know how many times i said i'm gonna live without you
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but there's something baby that you need to know
that deep inside me i feel like i'm dying
i have to see you, it's all that i'm asking

vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that i need to live
the air that i breathe
carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my days are so cold and lonely
and each night i taste the purest of pain

i wish i could tell you i'm feeling better everyday
that it didn't hurt me when you walked away
but to tell you the truth i can't find my way
and deep inside me, i feel like i'm dying
i have to see you, it's all that i'm asking

vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that i need to live
the air that i breathe
carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my days are so cold and lonely
and each night i taste the purest of pain

vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that i need to live
the air that i breathe
carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my days are so cold and lonely
and each night i taste the purest of pain

vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that i need to live
the air that i breathe

i'm sorry i didn't mean to call
but i couldn't fight it
i guess i was weak and couldn't even hide it
and so i surrender just to hear your voice

love hate relationships are the worse kind of relationship to have with someone. anyone. you want to love them, and yet you hate them for what they've done. and then you despise yourself for being weak and still loving them, even after what they've done, especially with no remorse. i don't know if i wish this was ~~his~~ song. or is it my song? he walked away didn't he? or did he shove me out of ~~his~~ way? i don't know if i even loved ~~him~~ in the first place. maybe it was infatuation, especially when it burned so hot and bright, and dwindled to ashes in just a couple of weeks. but what is love? unconditional love. is that the only kind of love that requires no price and yet the most pain? i don't think i loved ~~him~~. maybe it was a desperate need to feel loved and he provided that, even when he was using me to sooth ~~his~~ own ego. but i would never really find out would i? because he's probably to ashamed to look at me in the eye. and i'm moving on, i hope. i wish. i want. i need.

2007-01-31T22:15:00.000+08:00

good evening.

there's something wrong with me. i'm crying, and i don't know why. it's just this ache where my heart used to be. and all i want to do is curl up on my bed and cry. and it is times like this i wish i wasn't alone. i'm so tempted to go dig up my blades now, but i don't think even in my desperate need i wouldn't be able to find them. did i mention? i found out that there wasn't any money deposited into my cpf account. now i don't even know how much money that bitch cheated me of. and then i find out that i don't matter enough to people for them to at least trust me. and on top of everything, i'm so fucking tired i just want to walk of the damn building and end it. who cares if life is precious when i don't matter? i want to call someone, i want a shoulder to cry on. but who can i call when the people i had looked to turned their backs on me? people as me why i bury myself in books, in reading, in writing. because there is no meaning in this world that i live in, when everyone is not who they seem. when everyone's so cold, and suspicious. or maybe in books, i can be whoever i want. or i can be myself. because in this world, being myself just isn't enough. especially not enough for everyone else.

2007-01-31T14:54:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

it has been a horrible day thus far. i think this must be all due to the fact that i woke up at 7am this morning, on time. i must say the bus ride was all right, had a look at a cute baby boy and found a seat. but surprisingly, i didn't fall asleep. i was early, but ten minutes so i settled down to read my book. and then, the work day started. first, the courior came for the document, only to find that the building has been demolished. and so, in my nice girl tone, i asked ~~her~~ if the address was correct since the courior guy said that the building has been demolished and he should know better since he's the courior. ~~she~~ said that ~~she~~ had asked ~~her~~ contact and he said that the address was correct. and then ~~she~~ just said, call them and ask them for the address. low and behold, they had changed their fucking address! so amanda uses a new consignment slip and sends the nice courior off on his way. and then ~~she~~ decides to ask me to call ~~her~~ contact at the company to ask him to send ~~her~~ a damn name card. amanda grits her teeth and does it anyway, even when she just wanted to slap ~~her~~.

after that, the wonderful news that what i had been furiously copying and pasting from the malaysian university's website is not needed anymore. so i smile sweetly as i get the list of the universities that the damn company would like to get the contacts of instead. and so i close the file and start on the next university in line. and then, *ring* *ring*, amanda picks up the phone and it's the lady from the company that i just sent the couior off to! she requests to speak to ~~her~~ and i transfer the call. ~~she~~ says "i'll speak to ~~her~~ contact name" and so i tell the kind lady, in my most polite voice since i was almost about to scream at ~~her~~ that ~~she~~ should answer ~~her~~ damn phone calls. the lady then informs me that it is regarding what she had sent that morning and only then does ~~she~~ agree to pick up the damn phone. *grabs a pillow from my bed and screams into it*

then amanda smiles at the computer as she calms herself down and continues with her work. and the bitches [or so i've coined them] come along to make noise. i don't want to deny that they do sound nice or are even possibly nice. it's just the fact that they have no respect for anyone who is considered lower than them in the fucking office place. so what, really, if i answer phone calls all day. do copying and pasting of contacts in universities. and other menial jobs which everyone else needs help with. does that make me less of a person or do you think i'm overpaid? because let me tell you, it's not fun having to run up and down just to ensure that i answer every damn fucking phone call that comes into this damn office. or that when you're doing something, the fucking phone rings and you've got to do two things or even three things at one damn time. how about when two people come and ask you to do something? "please help me do this now." "i need this done." what do i do? i have to try to do both as fast as possible and as well as possible don't i? or when i'm doing something which is needed urgently, and then someone else asks me to do something just for the minute. what gives you the damn right to look at me like i'm not doing my damn job when you leave for smoke breaks and coffee breaks far longer than the time i take to read a damn chapter of my book which i note, i no longer read my book aside from during lunch and before work starts. so what fucking right do you have to look at me like i'm over paid? damn you.

if you're wondering how what the hell i'm still doing in this job is because i need money. and the number of days it would require for me to find another job, i would rather be working. and blasting my damn ears with music than wasting my days and not earning any cash. so yes, what the fuck can amanda do when she needs the damn money. *grabs a knife from the kitchen and starts to stab the pillow* and just as of yesterday, i've got much longer list of things that need money which i as of currently do not have. mummy's new phone. utility bill for the canteen. phone bills. ~~university education~~ transportation to work. food for lunch. i've decided not to get new office clothes because there is no point and since i do not have enough cash, i might as well not bothered. after all, whose going to care if i wear the same outfit i wore two weeks ago? as for chinese new year, i'm planning to get the cheapest things. already i've decided to re-use my own skirt because i can't find another one and also because it would be too expensive to buy another one. i'm deciding if i should buy that tie, or should i just use a plain black tie or beg it off someone. and my shoes. oh god. my shoes. i don't know what to do. all i really want to do now is sit here and cry, but that is useless isn't it? *drowns 3 fingers of whiskey* i wish i had that amount of alchol here so i can do that. good night and good bye.

2007-01-30T09:03:00.000+08:00

good morning.

cindy is in hospital and i'm here by myself. who knew that it could be so lonely in the workplace without someone here? especially after i survived well on my own in citibank. but i guess that's different, when the people were nicer and i wasn't working solely for the cash. but anyhow, i was majorly pissed yesterday. my temper seems to be on a very short leash, and i really am not bothered to reel it in. i've got so much work to do that i really couldn't be bothered. besides, everyone else takes coffee breaks and amanda just goes on working. it's fucked up but what to do? when i read, they stare. i can almost imagine telling them that they take at least half an hour for a coffee break when i take 5 minutes to read a chapter. and they take numerous smoking breaks, and all i do is sit here and work. omg, i hate my life.

ok, enough of demoralizing myself. swimming was good yesterday. hit the twenty laps. but i got a cramp in my foot so i couldn't continue. argh. but nevermind, i'll just eat less these few days since i'm booked for thursday and friday. thursday i have the magazine meeting at 8pm. and on friday, i've got mass at 8pm as well. tonight is st anthony at 8pm. tomorrow would most probably be mapling. god knows i need something or somewhere to release my frustration. and actually, swimming is a rather good outlet. including the fact that the water is freezing and i get a good work out. all the while cursing people. hahas. not a good thing to do at the same time, but i don't think i thought about work at all. the water is just too cold to not enjoy and the silence is great, even when you have to continuously moved to avoid bumping into people. although i wouldn't mind bumping into those solid chests. hahas! amanda and her imagination. but i must admit, there were some rather nice looking chests that i wouldn't have minded bumping into. hahas! wells, aside from the nice chests there were large waves and strong winds. waves caused by the people swimming and the wind, was natural. hahas. well, my eyes are squinting. i think it must be the cold and dryness. i really should go. maybe i'll blog again later in the day or tomorrow. we'll see how. take care. god bless. thank you for reading. i love you!

2007-01-29T08:56:00.000+08:00

good morning!

i don't really feel very awake this morning but i thought that since there aren't many people in the office yet, i'll just blog. as how they go down for breakfast in the morning, amanda takes her time to blog. hahas. so yesterday. it was a nice time talking to the boys. guys. men. whatever. it's nice for a change, not to have to look over your shoulder or worry about something you did wrong and be able to just be yourself and talk to people. it really was a pity i rushed out of the house without my camera! now i won't have a picture of the guys. hahas. i bet vince was happy. hahas! well, it was an interesting conversation nonetheless. i only wish it could be like that every week.

saturday afternoon was fun with mummy. aside from this disgusting couple who annoyed the living day lights out of me. i had a urge to slap the damn girl! you stare at me, it's ok. then you whisper and your bloody boyfriend turns around and stares. and i guess he was too embrassed to tell you that i certainly had more breats than you and that you're freaking cup was seen from your white top! who in the world wears a bra with half the cup showing out of the damn shirt? omg. anyhow, i was miffed and i almost wanted to ask her what her damn problem was. and a catholic no less. i don't understand how people can do that and then make the sign of the cross and pray before eating like they're damn martyrs. argh! anyhow, before that we couldn't find any nice skirts at this fashion. they only had flair skirts and i wanted a black straight skirt. hahas. so i've decided that maybe i'll just wear a skirt that i already have with a new shirt and a new pair of heels. (: after lunch we came home and started watching inuyasha! hahas. my daily dose of animae. isn't he just absolutely adorable? hahas. mummy watched it with me as well, until she had to go for work. but it was fun, the two of us watching inuyasha. i think i've got her hooked. after all, he is exceptionally cute. hahas.

well, after that i slept, woke up and ate dinner then went back to sleep. i swear i'm a pig. hahas. but isn't it apt, it is the year of the pig =X anyway, i better get going. there is now a deadline for the universities and their contacts. so i've got to hurry. hope after this is done, i wouldn't have to go back to my previous task. it really was extremely tiring, i don't know why but maybe because it was mundane. *sigh* better go. take care. god bless. *hugs* i love you.

2007-01-27T20:53:00.000+08:00

good evening.

i am here only because i am bored mapling. there are only so many chickens and ducks amanda can kill and so much talk she can tolerate before it either gets on her nerves or bores the living day lights out of her. so anyway, there are some interesting things i'd like to blog about anyway, so i decided why not. since i'm waiting for jun hao to get his ass home before we train our dragon knight. hope we don't give up half way as we did with our bowgil. but with his contacts and my determination, i'm sure we'll be able to manage *smiles*

swimming yesterday was wonderful. the weather was cool and the sun was still out when we got to the pool. and about half way through, it started to rain. it really isn't as fun to dance in the rain as it is to swim in the rain. the water ran so cold that it sent shivers and goosebumps along my skin. but the contrast between the sound of water hitting water, heavily and the soft sloshing of water when you go under, really is soothing. to the mind, as well as to the soul. and a troubled soul like mine finds immense pleasure in the sound of water. the water was really cold and i just thought for a second, that maybe god had heard my silent plea. to make my heart as cold as ice. but no matter how many laps i swam, how i pushed and pushed with the water beating down on my back, the pain kept chipping away at the ice as blood dripped. i wanted to carry on swimming, swimming until my arms and legs gave out. swimming until i was too damn tired to think about anything. swimming until my heart froze. but there is only so long a girl can indulge herself when time is ticking away, and she's exercising on an empty stomach. but at the end of this experiece, i must admit that i would love to swim when it rains again. and the workout, was really good.

after the swim we went to amk central for dinner. and i've come to question my cny outfit. sure, i have found the top and shoes, but there are other problems. finding the skirt and other accessories don't really matter, but other problems. heat, that is one of them. and i'm thinking of doing my hair into a bun. maybe i can see if ethel's free to teach me one of these days *smiles* sofisitication rather than my usual messy style. it's at least another twenty days more, so we'll see how it goes. i hope everything goes as planned.

as ben has reminded me than valentine's is coming up, i've yet to decided what i wanted to do. well, there was note past tense nicholas. but he's probably chained up at home and with homework so he's of no help. my other yearly engagement has been cancelled, which i suppose only goes to show that i really have no power whatsoever to keep my engagments. *argh* then i was thinking of bringing those two girls out, for a evening of fun. but since i can only make it on a saturday, and valentine falls on a wednesday, they would have school the next day. and then, there is always that guy. i don't think i'm even going to give him a chance. there is a lot of say about a guy when he skips from your friend to you. really a lot that don't come out in words. so yes, amanda will be spening this valentine's day alone. i'm sure junhao will be out with his girlfriend, probably romancing her and having her tell him how foolish his efforts have been. even ben, i think he's attached, would have his own date on valentine or even engagements with friends. i guess this is one of the setbacks of being on your own. so i think i'll just stay home, snuggled with a book and possibly inuyasha at 11pm at night. at least you can depend on books keeping you company, no matter your mood. maybe that's why i love them, and also because they bring me to another world. where i don't have to worry so much.

well, jun hao has returned from his grandma's place. so i'm going to help him train out dragon knight. i will blog again soon, and hopfully i'll be in a better mood. take care. thank you for reading. *hugs* god bless. sweet dreams. i love you.

2007-01-26T14:13:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

it's slightly after lunch and since i've got a few minutes, i thought i'd drop by here and blog. since my last post, i've had time to sleep, simmer and think it over. but the feelings are far from resolved. i don't know what i am going to do, maybe i'll just avoid her. because i'm not the type to spread rumors about people, i would then just be the pot calling the kettle black. maybe i'd just go swimming tonight and soak myself in the cold water, and hopefully, my heart will freeze along with the rest of my body. anyhow, i'm also feeling less up to it for church events. the bulletin, i still love it. i love the typing. i like producing something that is beneficial to others. but then, i just feel so sian at times. like i would rather do something else with my time, like sleep instead of stay awake till 11pm just to type out the bulletin. or play maple instead of having to take time to look through the bulletin for mistakes and to print it out. and when those thoughts come, i scold myself. i made a choice to do it, so i really shouldn't complain about it right? but what can a girl do, when all she wants is some warmth and no one cares enough to even provide a little? i will most probably continue doing the bulletin. but with regards to the writing for the church magazine, i'm still uncertain if i'm going to give my name. especially when i'm not entirely sure how long i'd still be in church. but let's not look too far into the future, god knows i've had enough of that. let's just concentrate on here and now.

shopping yesterday at suntec city has just strengthen my resolve to lose all this damn weight. so yes, swimming will still continue. although i'm thinking of factoring in running. unless i can find an all female gym, then perhaps i'll go there and exercise. it's rather unnerving to exercise with men around, with muscles or with flab. both still give me the creeps. hahas. and lunch, i have to start cutting down on staple food and eat more protein. if i can do that, or skip lunch entirely, it would really help i suppose. since i did skip every other meal in ij, but that's a different story. maybe one day every week, i shouldn't eat lunch. i'll just tell uncle harris and cindy that i'm meeting a friend and then spend my time in the library. well, of course i'll need an alarm so i don't go spending two or three hours there when i'm only got an hour's lunch. hahas. but we'll see how, lunch is the only time i have fun with cindy and uncle harris. maybe i'd just eat less, much less and exercise more. hope it helps. anyway, i seem to have veered off my topic! hahas.

so yes, yesterday at suntec. we found a nice red pair of heels, which meet all my requirements. aside from the fact that it is slightly lose at the back and comes out, the shoe is perfect! it's blood red, and three inches. omg, i just love that much of height. now, if only i can find a nice pair of pants that would complement or tone up my damn legs so i can wear a nice skirt, everything would fit into place. hence my new training schedule. chinese new year is coming up in less than 20 days! the shoes were around $50 i think, but it's really a good buy. and also, from next week onwards i'm going to start wearing my three inch heels to work, to start walking properly again. and hopefully by chinese new year, i wont be toppling over my own feet. all i can do now is hope that all the plans i've made, i would keep to them and this chinese new year would be a much better one. and also not to mention, it would really do a whole lot towards my goal for my birthday this year. *smiles*

i got another e-mail from brightsparks today. reminding me that the results are coming out soon. *sigh* i don't know what to do. sighing doesn't help me the least bit, but what could i do? i've already taken the damn papers, paid for them, cried over them. there really is nothing i can do but sit here and wait, and plan for the worst. damn my pessimistic nature, but what can i do? when all you can think about is how frazzled you were during the exam and how all you wanted to do when you left the hall was cry. this really is horrible. i should stop dwelling and concentrate on chinese new year. i just hope all this stress would cause me to lose some weight. hahas! ok, on to a brighter topic.

my writing has been coming along. but mapling has taken a front seat now, because of the new town and perhaps my far too long abstience from gaming. but i promise i will get back to it soon. i just hope i'd get more reviews and those people who did read my story, have not forgotten about it *pouts*

well, right now all i want to do is call someone and talk to them. so much is happening, but there's no one there to help me along. i guess it's times like this when being individual sucks, and is extremely tiring. but there isn't anyone i can talk to is there? i better go before i kill my own mood, or even before i decide that i'm better off dead. *sigh* bye.

2007-01-23T22:28:00.000+08:00

good evening.

have you ever felt rage? murderous rage? what did you do when all you saw was red, and all you wanted to do was hit something, someone, anything. when you couldn't hear anything, just see the result of that person's actions and feel the primal urge to protect, defend and attack. what do you do when that happens to you, and you feel the control slipping like water cupped in your hands. what do you do?

i don't know if i can say i hate her. it really isn't her fault that she has decided to be dumb and listen to gossip. but i guess from what i've gathered of this place, it really is a trend to just listen to gossip as god's truth. sad really, when no one really listens to the actual gospel. but don't get me wrong, i'm no saint. because i'd damn myself to hell anyday, just to inflict the pain you cause to her on you. even if it meant eternal damnation. reminds me of that japanese anime that was going to come out. where at midnight, you go to some website and type in the person's name who you want to die and spend the rest of his/her life in hell, and then when you die, you'll go to hell to. and i was, at that point in time, thinking to myself, who in their right mind would do that? can you actually hate a person so much you want to see them in hell and then suffer the same consequences? apparently, you can. but no, i wouldn't type her name down even if i do find the website. maybe because i know there is so much more out there for me. or even the fact that really, she's isn't worth it. but doesn't mean i can't vent or murder, in my mind, all i want.

everytime i see her, i see my mother's tears. and i get this urge to slap her. to slap her so hard she'd wake up from her dreams. that the bloody mist would clear from her eyes, and she'd stop being so stuck up. not only do i want to slap her, i want to hit her. maybe i've been reading too many violent books hit her so hard that maybe she bleeds, i might even feel comfort in breaking her nose. i just want to do anything, anything to make her feel the pain my mother felt. but the physical pain never did make up enough for emotional hurt. and then i suddenly feel this urge to hurt everyone around her. the people she loves, the people she cares about and yet leave her unscathed. how would she feel than?

i still find it hard how she can still laugh with my grandmother and joke, like she didn't do anything wrong. i guess only people who don't really have a heart can do that. i'd probably be beside myself with guilt or even sadness. even if i did believe the gossip to be god's truth. any fucking human being with an actual heart and feelings would feel something, apparently she doesn't. and the man behind her, don't even get me started. because really, do you have no guts or did you hand her your balls when you got married? i swear, if my husband not that i'm planning to get married ever acts like a sissy is going to get booted out of the damn house. can't you be a man and stand up for your friends? *argh* this just reminds me how you do not have a damn backbone.

well, i have thought about writing another story. inclusive of four deaths and no romance. because in real life, i don't think there is any romance. unless of course you demand it, or if you're in a country that just spells romance. *sigh* i can't blog anymore. i might not post this, but then again, i think i just might. i just want to sit home and read, and stuff my face and cry and then swim until i can't move and drown. maybe i just need to swim again. the water, the silence, the cold. it almost feels like your own world, where no one can touch you. absolutely no one.

2007-01-23T15:21:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

it has only been two days since Sunday and i'm still feeling so tired. i don't know why, but i just do. and still, no matter how early i try to get to bed, i'd lie there for hours on end before i finally slip into a dreamless state. it's horrible really. maybe it's the music i listen to before i sleep every night, but i wouldn't be able to sleep with the silence humming in my ears or the faces i see in my mind or in the dark. it just wouldn't do, i'd have more nightmares than my current dreamless state. so yes, maybe i should just try sleeping early for the next few days and exercise more. maybe swimming until my limbs ache would be a good way to get to sleep when i get home. if only my body isn't smart enough to live off the endorphins i work up. maybe it's times like this i should take a day off and sleep the day away in bed. in silence and warmth.

the better part of today has been spent with my book. the new guy came in today and samantha gave him the computer i was working on because the sony one was not functioning properly. i was delighted for a while, offering my service to photocopy items. that was until they set the sony computer in front of me. so now, it's me and this computer again. but i'm sure we can forgo our past differences and start a new. i'm always one for starting a new, especially this new year. well, yan did help me with cleaning out the computer, so it runs slightly faster now. hopefully after what yan does to it tonight, and leaves it over night, it will function much faster tomorrow. please, i'm very desperate.

so i dropped my book off at the library today. i was suppose to come out with two more books. the other books in the irish trilogy, tears of the moon and heart of the sea. but i came back with five books. the two anthologies were because of a moment's fancy. the last book, it was so thin i think i would be able to finish it under a few hours, with concentration and no distractions. but we'll see. maybe this saturday, or sunday i'll just lie in bed, all cozy with my comfortor and air con turned on and read. it would be a very good few hours. *smiles* obviously my music would be turned on. amanda can't do anyhing without her music now can she?

well, i doubt i've got much more to say. going to mass tonight. when are we moving to the air conditioned room?! i'm not trying to be pushy, but it really would be nice to be able to wear layers because of the air con and look good. or rather, my good looking clothes are sometimes more warm for my liking. well, i really should get going. i haven't done much today and i should get something finished. all rights, thanks for reading. thank you to jesse for leaving a tag. hahas. *hugs* all my love.

2007-01-22T09:31:00.000+08:00

good morning!

yesterday was a really good day. coupled with going to malaysia with the uncles and aunties from church, i also got food and a new skirt out of it! hehes. well, before i start, let me tell you that the skirt i got was from mango. and it was on a season clearance sale, so i got it only for S$30! i used the basic S$1:R2 exchange rate, can't really be bothered with decimal places. it was really great i tell you! hahas. and it was the last piece in stock! i can't believe how lucky i was. but aside from getting that skirt, we also bought food. lots of it. pineapple tarts. tapocia chips. and other food that i do not know their names =X

i also have to mention the cute guard at the singapore arrival centre from Malaysia. hahas. and this time, we took the less crowded area, so it wasn't so bad. i don't understand why we never take this route when it's so much less crowded on a weekend! but alas, i doubt i'll be going back to malaysia soon. i think. hahas!

the food was good. lunch was very filling but it was good. at least the people we were sharing the table with were nice. i shan't mention the little incident between my grandma and some other lady. although it wasn't very nice of that lady. but i shan't say anything, i'll go into a debate that i'll never be able to end. anyway...the food was good. dinner, although the table wasn't very stable and the people kept serving food from both the right and left of my mother which was highly ignoring. she move right because the lady is coming in from the left, some other idiot decides to come in from the right with a hot dish. i could almost strangle the serving ladies! the food was good. and i had my prawns in oats! hahas. i guess it's good that i was the youngest, i get the most food. and luckily i avoided the rice bowl, which meant that i didn't have to eat rice and could eat all the food i wanted! hehes. and then, i caught the television at the other corner of the room showing 'starship troopers'. and that guy *sigh* is so hot. hahas. but we left when there was still light. i must say, it was my first trip to malaysia that i reached singapore before midnight. hahas. so you see, i don't understand why we have to rush with everyone else where there is another much emptier gateway into singapore.

aside from my new skirt, we also saw a sailor suit from minoshe. but they had no more sizes and i doubt i would be able to squeeze into an 's' and the other dress had horizontal lines so we ended up not buying. i must say i was very disappointed. they don't have it singapore and when i see them in malaysia, i can't fit into them. *sigh* anyhow, we also tried looking for shoes but all the shops, they didn't have a decent pair of shoes! there was one that caught my eye, but it was red with white strips. it would go with my cny outfit, but the heel was rather short. and i was aiming for 2 and 1/2 inches. not 1 inch. so yes, the other shops didn't even have one pair of red shoes! how saddening. but the purchase of the skirt did lift my spirits! anyhow, we also passed a bag shop that i didn't have the time to go in. just looking at the amount of bags, i was already ready to buy a few and put credit to my name and wait for my pay check. hahas! but we didn't have time, so i didn't shop. i think i'll buy a new bag, if i'm going to uni. so i can carry my stuff. i doubt i want to carry my things in my small bag or even in my hands. but that is for the future, i've got more pressing matters to think about now.

while i was in malaysia, i also thought about what i wanted to wear for cny. i am very tempted to tell you what i've decided to wear, but i think i'll not say it here. i have got to see if i can get everything before i type it down. i hope i'll look nice. hahas. maybe i'll even get new earrings! accessories to go with the new outfit, that is a must, really. so yes, i shall not talk about it before i'm tempted to tell you what i'm going to wear. hahas!

well, i think i should get back to work. i got to go look up something from the internet. you really can find almost anything online! well, thanks for reading. and i do hope you got a kick out of the tests i took on friday. hahas. maybe if i do get extremely bored this afternoon, i'll do more tests. but from now till 12, i've got to decide our lunch plans. to go raffles and eat than shop, or to go to brash basar complex to eat before going to raffles to shop. hahas! it was never such a headache in school, just go to the canteen, grab a table and order. hahas! wells, i better go. thanks for reading! please do tag, to let me know that there is someone reading this dusty blog of mine! take care *hugs* i love you!

2007-01-19T12:06:00.000+08:00

good afternoon!

yes, this is the second post of the day. but not a long post. just to let you know that there will be various test results coming up. hahas. i was bored, and i ripped the first one from a friend's blog. and the rest caught my eye, so i just did it. i really, really should be getting back to work. hahas. if i'm very bored, i'll do more tests later XD *hugs* by the way, some really are rather accurate, i think. do tag your thoughts! love ya!

2007-01-19T12:01:00.000+08:00

You Are 28% Sociopath

From time to time, you may be a bit troubled and a bit too charming for your own good.
It's likely that you're not a sociopath... just quite smart and a bit out of the mainstream!

Are You A Sociopath?

2007-01-19T11:56:00.000+08:00

Your Inner Blood Type is Type A

You seem cool and collected, though a bit shy.
You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself.
Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in.
People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal.

You are most compatible with: A and AB

Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

2007-01-19T11:53:00.000+08:00

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

2007-01-19T11:47:00.000+08:00

You Are 61% Peaceful

You are a very peaceful person. All is good in your world, no matter what's going on.
Occasionally you let your problems get to you, but you generally remain upbeat.
Your inner strength is inspirational - much more so than you may realize.

How Peaceful Are You?

2007-01-19T11:42:00.000+08:00

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

2007-01-19T11:32:00.000+08:00

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

2007-01-19T11:24:00.000+08:00

You Are 22% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

2007-01-19T11:16:00.000+08:00

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

2007-01-19T09:44:00.000+08:00

good morning!

no, i am not chirpy because i did anything last night. in fact, i didn't get enough sleep last night. because of the extra half hour of american idol, prison break started half an hour later, and then ended half an hour later. and next week, i think there will be a two hour ending to the show, prison break. if that is the case, i might consider calling in sick on friday. hehes. doubt i will do. work has been picking up. i just need something to keep me awake between 3 - 4pm. because once 5pm hits, i'm aware that work ends at 6 and i got to start clearing everything up. and besides, friday is when i got to send everything for updating. important day.

well, i'm blogging now because i doubt i would have time to blog on saturday or even sunday. saturday, i'll be heading to Mount Alvernia Hospital in the morning for an orientation program to volunteer at the Home and Hospice there. it is, unfortunately, from 10am to 12pm. hopefully i'll be able to wake up. maybe i should sleep early tonight. and yet, i can't imagine missing inuyasha for anything else. although i did on wednesday, just to sleep early. but this is different, in a warped way, it is different. hahas. so saturday morning would be spent in the hospital. the afternoon, hopefully i'll be able to make it for novena with mummy. we have to attend mass at night because we wouldn't be free on sunday, seeing as how we wouldn't be in singapore. but that is for later. so after afternoon is over, it'll be gaming time before mass. i seriously need to level! only a few more percentages before i'll be able to use my new equipment! hehes. well, i'm hoping to play for a while tonight. i don't want to be too free to watch supernatural. i've had enough of ~~the ring~~, i don't need a repeat performance of a girl crawling out of the damn mirror again. so yes, i'll listen to the dialogue and everything, because it's interesting and why would i give up an opportunity to look at a cute guy? but i'll only look when it's not the scary part. hahas. so tomorrow, hopefully by 10pm or so, i'll be able to have levelled. i might be watching television tomorrow night. laws of attraction is showing tomorrow i think. not very sure, might have to check it out again.

sunday, as stated previously, i'll be going to malaysia. it's just a one day trip with the old folks of st stephen. not all, just our clique. and since uncle steven is coming along, i really wouldn't mind the weather, bus or the water. aunty mary and godma are also coming. along with godpa, mama, gongong and my mummy. i think it'll be fun. everytime i go to malaysia with them, i always see a cute guy. hahas. and he'll be on the same bus as me. but nothing ever happens, damn. hahas! i'll blog about it another day. now, on to how my week has been.

monday, the facial was horrible. i will never get used to the pain. but i must say, my face does look clearer. hahas. but somehow, it just doesn't justify the pain i had to go through. self torture. i can't believe how anyone can look forward to a facial, aside from the fact that your face is cleaned throughly, and be excited to go for a session. *argh* but that's me, hahas. and not to mention, i waited for an hour for mummy to finish before i had to wait for half an hour because she fell asleep in the car and didn't hear me call her. *sigh* i was seriously pissed off, you should have heard me. you would have wanted to wash my mouth out with soap. opps!

tuesday, nothing much happened. saw alph at mass, then sent him home. it's always nice to be able to talk to people my age. i mean, not where both parties are screaming at the top of their lungs but talking, civilized and enjoying the company. but then again, it does take all kinds of people to make this world. don't you think? headed home to do the bulletin. didn't want to leave it until wednesday and rush my ass off for it before i head to bed. and besides, it gives more time to the other members to check and point out any mistakes. after that, i immediately jumped into bed. ah, my loving bed. always opens its welcoming arms to me. hahas. i did start on my 'say goodbye' story but was unable to finish, unfortunately.

wednesday. finished my 'say goodbye' story. that is probably the highlight of my day. not to mention, i finished it at night so it didn't do much to perk up my day. and i also had a slightly hard time to finish the story. hope it's quite all right. i will do a review again either tomorrow night or next week. and i promise, it'll be up on my webpage soon at fictionpress.com. i'll let you know when i post it up. that's if you're waiting for it.

thursday was another horrible day. it rained so we didn't go swimming. although we would be going swimming tonight and i got all my breakfast supplies yesterday. i bought cereal and milk. two 1 litre bottles and one 2 litre bottle. mummy insisted that she had wanted. all i know is that i'll drink anything that's cheap. really, you can actually save alot of money if you buy cheaper products. anyhow, i'm aiming to save now for my boom box. i know that when my check comes in, i wouldn't really need to save but then, i've also got to think about my new computer. and also my uni [if i go to uni] fees. it's slightly frustration when you see the money disappearing when you need to pay for everything. and then there's my need to give money away. i have been giving at st anthony masses. it's for the church building. sunday masses, let's just say i'm unfeeling. but yes, money's just slipping away and i need to learn to save again. and i've been cutting down on lunch, thou i must say that the transportation to and from work is getting rather expensive. as compared to my student pass, obviously. at least $1.65 everyday to work. for a week, that would be $8.25. and wednesday, when i go home on my own, i take the mrt. it really is a whole lot of cash! but then again, who knows if it helps SBS/SMRT to cover cost of petrol and so on. on the other hand, looking at the number of communters in the morning, i would think that it does actually help. but who really knows o.O

so today, lunch i'm thinking brash basar complex again. if we're going to have malay food, i'll have fish. or maybe i should just not eat. since i am 18 already. but i had breakfast. hmm. maybe a fruit, or something. we'll see how and where everyone decides to eat. well, i really should be getting back to work. i'll try and blog again next week, i don't think i'll blog again tomorrow unless something big happens *smiles* thanks for reading! please do tag, so i know i'm not the only one reading my own blog. hahas. take care *hugs* god bless! *muacks* i love you!

2007-01-12T09:28:00.000+08:00

good morning.

it is an extremely dreary morning. my nose has already started dripping and there is hardly anyone in the office. to top it all off, the bottom of my jeans are soaked. i repeat, soaked. i'm sure you can tell i'm hopelessly pissed off. and i don't think my day would be getting any better. this morning, i alos found out that my ez-link card is extremely low on cash. i should go and top it up soon or something. this pay which comes by monthly, doesn't really seem to be working out. but what can i do? *sigh* and since i only have four dollars in my wallet, i highly doubt i would be having lunch today. it's all right, there will be dinner tonight, i think. even after two and a half slices of bread this morning, i don't feel full. however, i think this would be better. i didn't get my 18 laps at the pool yesterday, due to the rain. i'm seriously beginning to hate the rain. maybe it's the fact that i'm always caught in the rain when i'm dressed up. and going for some important shit, or it disrupts my schedule. but i'm sure after this post, i'll love rain again. i always do.

as of today, only two reviews on my latest story, a one shot. well, this sunday and probably saturday, i'm going to get down to completing the last chapter for 'will you stay?' and after that, it'll just be proof reading and uploading. i have already, yesterday night, started on a scene from the sequal. i've yet to name the sequel, but i promise you, there won't be any happy ending for that part. because i'm having a triology. and there will be a lot of twists and horrible scenes. but i guess that is what comes from reading too many tragic books. hahas. but i will try my best to entertain you, and please review. i would really appreciate your feedback *smiles*

well, i should get back to my work. i has realized that i will probably stop reading nora roberts. why? because she has over 100 titles under her name. for me to read all that, it would at least take a month or so. and besides, i doubt many of them are even in print and i doubt the library would have them all. i'm just thankful that i've read her most moving and touching books. i think i will leave j.d.robb for later when i'm more into mystery and murder. maybe when i'm starting on the murder scenes for 'the bomb', right now, i'm still trying to figure out the characters. i've got all these scenes floating in my mind, but it's so hard to put it all down with everything else missing in between. but we'll see how it goes, i'm not one to give up a story, especially not when i'm only a quarter way in *smiles* ok, i'm going off topic. i just got a cup of warm milo that has put some of that heat back into my system. i shall get back to work, and i will blog again. hopefully not soon because i need to concentrate on my writing and perhaps my gaming. hahas. but we'll see how it goes. for those who know me in both aspects, look out for progress because this is one determined girl. thanks for reading, please tag! god bless you and your loved ones. i love you!

2007-01-10T21:04:00.000+08:00

good evening.

i cannot explain my desire or need to keep blogging. perhaps to keep my sanity. perhaps i like to see the way the words just flow on the screen, seeing as how this screen with the words look much nicer than the previous screen. perhaps i just have this innate need to write, and yet am stuck at a formidable wall which my mind has yet to be able to get over. although i must admit, before i blogged, i was writing and finished my 28th chapter for 'will you stay?' and have posted it up. now, all i need is two more scenes to lead up to my last three chapters, which have already been written out. must be my eagerness to start on the sequel that pushed me to write the ending even before i actually completed the story. you never know when inspiration strikes, and when it does, you can't say no. you can never say no. well, as i said, i was writing and i was almost getting it on. but i need to sleep, i wanted to blog before i do. so here i am.

something happened today. i'm not entitled to blog about it here, but i can tell you, it's troubling me a whole lot. i want to do something, and yet, i'm not sure if i should. but if i do want to do something, what can i do? there is only so much another person can do, the individual must want to do something before anything can really be done. perhaps i will sleep on it, and maybe i will message him tomorrow. and we will see how i can help, or even off any advice or even a shoulder or listening ear. god knows how much i want to help, and how much my heart aches that i'm not helping yet.

reading has been interesting as of late. although i cannot and will not read as much as i used to, i've limited myself to one book in at least two days. it doesn't matter if i take longer, but i refuse to take less than a day to read the book. despite the fact that i will still enjoy the book no matter the amount of time i take to finish the book, i still have a job to do. even when it does put me to sleep at times. and for those who still wonder how i like to read. i'm not entirely sure. but the way the words flow, the artistic use of the words, the interesting combination of words that make you stop and admire the writer. maybe because i aspire so much to be like a one of the writers that i enjoy reading. then again, can you actually write and not enjoy reading? though i must wonder, it is hard to write a story when you've read quite a fair bit and everything seems to blend in with one another. the love stories, the horror, the fantasy. there will always be in me, that desire and want to put a bit of everything i've read about into the stories i write. and yes, i've been trying to stop the fairytale like of my books. people need to suffer from heartache to know what real love is. people need to know what loss means before they can treasure something. people need to cry before they can laugh full heartedly. and so, a goal i might set for myself with regards to my writing is to ensure that i make the stories real, and not a fairytale that you would like to tell your children. to teach them that love endures always. to teach them that good will always win over evil. to teach them that no good can come out of bad deeds. to teach them that a good deed will always be rewarded while a bad deed will be punished. because in real life, that isn't always the case.

anyhow, my last chapter was over seven thousand words. hopefully i will be able to get out my next chapter before next week, even before next month! sundays, i have to strictly keep to writing and not mapling. and yet, it is only when i am inspired that i can write and not delete every other sentence. but music helps, so i hope i will get my creative jucies flowing again. and did i mention? i'm planning on another song fic. there is this song, i'm not sure who sang it nor do i remember the title of the song. but it's a song about a guy who tells this girl that he has to end it, because he realized that he doesn't love her anymore. and the plot of the story? it will be sweet, i can promise that. it will have girlish glee, i can promise that. but don't make me promise a happy ending, because she will die. but he will live, knowing that she never stopped loving him and she will always have a place in his heart. no matter who else he decides to give his heart to. despite the fact that i've just told you the plot, i may write it. when i get my hands on that song! *argh* i might try again, but the song helps the inspiration and the feelings to come. it is much easier to write that way. well, i should be going to sleep now. it's almost 10. and i need to be in bed, closing my eyes and sleeping. swimming again tomorrow. and i need to include a swimming scene in one of my stories, it's actually very amazing how much you can describe an action and it's an accomplishment to make the reader be able to visual and actully be there. but alas, it will all have to be done another day for now, i am going to sleep. i'm getting a slight throb at the side of my head. right side. it seems to be growing. i need my sleep. i will see you again. thank you for dropping by, and reading this post. do leave a tag, it bothers me slightly that no one may be reading this blog. don't ask me why, it just does. oh, before i go, just a shout out to a guy i talked to yesterday. study hard! and if you need help, i'm only a ring away *smiles* take care! *hugs* kisses all around. i love you.

2007-01-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

good evening.

i know two posts in one day is way too much, but i really can't help myself. i really cannot. well, i have just finished the bulletin and have sent it out. hopefully, this time, someone will at least look through it for any mistakes. and what made me write this was a bulletin that caught my eye. they are calling for people for the youth ministry course. you see, i was not of age last year, so i couldn't go. but this year, i'm 18. and yet, the first meeting would be held on the 15th of Jan, a monday. the same monday when i have a facial appointment at 7.30pm till 8.30pm. so you see, i'm beginning to think that me not joining any youth ministry, truly is fate. and most probably my destiny as well. but let's not go into all that shall we? so yes, but there is also another bulletin.

they need journalists for the new magazine for when the church has finished it's renovation. and seeing as how i've got a love for writing, i'm thinking about signing myself up. and i truly, wonder how anyone is going to write about an event which you might not have attended or an event which has already been over for over two years! but we will see what has to be done. and i really, don't mind doing it. it would be fun. and perhaps if i do choose to persue journalism in uni, this would add to my portfilo. i doubt my stories can be considered, because they are truly long. aside from my one shots though, they might be able to be considered. but then again, journalism is not about fictional stories but about real life stories, and reporting. ah, whatever. we shall see how everything pans out all right? god knows i need something in my life to cheer me up.

well, mummy is outside watching korean dramas again. i'm going to end here, leave my story online and let everyone read it and hopefully review. if you haven't the link, go to my link page, and click on "my stories" and you'll be transported there! please do read my other stories if you've got the time. i promise i will update them as soon as i climb over this block in my head. and i promise, i'm getting to the top already! hahas. ok, i'm going on about nonsense. just please read my story, and i should be heading off to bed now. nights. take care. god bless. i love you!

2007-01-08T15:34:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

yes, i am at work. but i'm only here before i'm awfully tired. i can't stop yawning, and the music isn't exactly keeping me awake or away from the grasp of sleep. and i did sleep early yesterday. earlier than i would have usually. 10.30pm. and i woke up at 7.30am this morning. a total of 9 hours of sleep, and here i am, sitting at the desk yawning! i don't ever recall being this tired in school. but nevertheless, the typing is somewhat keeping me awake. and i think i would try searching for more addresses online if i really get too bored, and up till the point when reading my book wouldn't even keep me awake for another 5 minutes.

my reading has been cut back on. i suppose this is either really addictive or maybe i'm not such a slacker anymore. hahas! and when i go home, i'm too tired or to busy to read. *sigh* but no worries, i will continue reading. after all, it is one of the only things that can calm me down. i wouldn't know what i would do if i didn't have books. and no, i don't mean school books. although history books can be really interesting to read. when you don't have to take down notes or remember the facts, word for word. this whole education thing is still on my mind. and maybe, that is what is stressing me out. but i assure you, that isn't the only thing on my mind. but i suppose, the other things on my mind are not exactly up for discussion or for your viewing. but really, what should i do? but before that, i need my results wouldn't i? *sigh* this is beginning to give me a headache and i'm getting even more tired. my eyes are watering because i'm yawning too much! *argh*

mummy just messaged me. she's going to sleep because she has a bad headache. i hope the headache clears. i am really looking forward to swimming later in the day. the feel of the water on your skin. the silence when you're underwater, only the soft sloshing of water in your ears. i really need to get back into the pool, and hopefully to put some energy into me before i decide that i can't continue this before the end of july comes. well, i'm thinking of bringing my discman, but it is spoilt and i don't want to be more irritated with it than listening to it. but listening to the same songs everyday can be annoying at times. at least with my discman, i can change the cds or something. or i can even listen to a song i like over and over again. the radio, all i hear are the same songs over and over again, and i don't even really like them. despite having heard the songs over and over again for the past few weeks. damn. i'm yawning again. maybe i should just go. take a walk to the ladies or something.

i'll post again soon. there's so much talk about chinese new year. and it only seems like yesterday that it was feb 2006. and another one month before that fateful day. hopefully, no nightmares, no flashbacks, no memory. and if i get though that one day, i will be happy. just happy. please tag! i'll love you for it. *hugs* love you.

2007-01-07T20:25:00.000+08:00

good evening.

if you saw me now, you might not recognize me. but then again, you probably might. it's just that the left side of my nose is swollen. it has definitely got to do with the amount of times i've sneezed this morning. and my continuous rubbing and blowing. but you can't blame me can you? would you rather me leave my nose to drip and be disgusting and all. see, obviously despite the pain, this was a much better choice. if you are wondering why i am blogging again, i also don't really know why i am blogging again. maybe it's this aching pain in my chest. or the constant leaking of my nose that's causig a dull throb at the side of my head. or maybe it's just my habit of thinking through my day, and never forgetting the side glances, or the total ignorance of certain people. but i will blog more, i doubt i will be sleeping early tonight. despite work tomorrow.

i don't miss him anymore. i'm sure. it just pains me to wonder how deep and how far reaching the rumor was. sometimes i wonder, if every single mother is afraid of leaving her son with me. even if he has a brain and mind of his own. somehow, no matter how i look at it. this whole relationship, affair, seems to be a mistake. nothing should have happened. i should have just comforted him after the loss of his girlfriend, and not let myself take her place. i guess, there is always room for mistakes in our lives. there just isn't room for us to repeat that mistake. and by god, i swear i will never repeat the mistake. but not only mothers, friends, people i see in church on a weekly basis. people i work with, with regards to the bulletin. sometimes i wonder if i should just stop. stop trying to do anything for the church. and let myself be damned to the eternal hell. sometimes, that just seems to be the easier way out. but you know me. the stubborn bitch. and even now, i wonder if i did bring all this upon myself. and if i did, why are they still creating trouble? still trying to highlight their name as many times as possible? still trying to make themselves look like direct links between god and us? but who am i to say anything? after all, all i have heard are rumors. and i don't believe rumors. aside from the fact that i've caught you staring, pointing, whispering. do you seriously think i'm blind, deaf and dumb? i know i may not be the smartest girl in the group, but it doesn't mean that i don't know what's going on. i just choose to ignore it. after all, i am at least twenty to thirty years younger than you. you can't blame a woman in jealousy. all right, amanda is becoming bitchy. i just hope things will change. i don't expect them to stop staring, whispering or even pointing. i just hope that people who know me, actually say hello. we don't work together on the bulletin for nothing.

i think i miss my great grand ma. i never saw her much, or talked to her much. mostly due to the language barrier, but otherwise, i would always leave mummy to talk to her. after all, mummy seems to be taking care of her just fine when we're all together. i don't remember crying much at her funeral. i could have possibly been the only dry eyed relation there. no, it's not because i don't care about her. how can i break down, when everyone else was crumbling around me? especially those i usually lean on in troubled times. i suppose there are times when you have to keep your grief and be strong for others. and i suppose, if i had cried, i wouldn't be crying for the right reasons. and personally, i don't think that would be very respectful, not one bit. but now, seeing her again today. i miss her. how she'd keep one dollar coins in a plastic container, and then give it to me or my mummy for our birthdays. it didn't matter how much there was in the container, it was her thought that made us happy. i miss her, i really do. but she'll always be in my heart. after all, when you love someone, they remain in your heart, forever. i don't think i'll be talking about my family today, although i did think through it a whole lot during the entire day. maybe some other time.

it's only 9pm and i almost fell asleep on the sofa while watching television. i think i really should go and sleep soon or after this post. though before i go, i got to cheer someone up. it really sucks seeing a friend down. and even more when you can hardly help that person, being in the dumps yourself. but nevertheless, i'll do the best i can. maybe in the mean time, i'll go continue on one of my stories. i should being my stories to work to complete or update them. i'm only afraid that if the computer has not enough space, it will run extremely slow. and that is the worst thing i hate about old computers. ok, i'm beginning to ramble about irrelevant things. please tagged if you have come and paid a visit. it would be nice to know that i'm not the only one who reads my own blog. hahas. take care. good night. sweet dreams. i love you.

2007-01-07T03:36:00.000+08:00

good morning.

yes, if you have found this blog again. or if you got the new address from me, i have changed my address. don't ask me why, but i guess i would just like to erase any subtle connection i may have with a certain someone. it really is time for me to move on. anyhow, this post will not be long. i need to be asleep soon. i have to get up on time or even earlier than on time because we're rushing to church. after which, we have to attend ma cho's first anniversary ritual thing. and you know mama, if we're late or if she doesn't have enough time to do everything, that's goodbye to my happy sunday. and i suppose after my stunt this evening, i doubt she'd be very happy tomorrow morning. but you know something? i really don't give a damn. i guess this way is really much better than wanting to inflict bodily harm on someone or kill someone. indifference is always the better option.

anyhow, i have started writing again. but i've hit a block, where whatever i write seems to come out as long winded. and it just seems to be moving along extremely slowly. but no worries, hopefully tomorrow my juices will get flowing again and everything will be back. and it does help that i do see scenes in my head that i want to write. as well as my plots. even though some of the plots are for new stories. hahas. well, i really should get going. it is 3.30am and i need to be up by 5am. damn. well, good night and sweet dreams. and to anyone who may have the unfortunate luck of talking to me this evening. i really wasn't in the mood. try watching korean drama for at least 5 hours while dying of heat. and then changing in under 30 seconds to go out and collect bread. then sitting in a car with the perfume thingys which gave me a pounding headache that i doubt i would have noticed if i slammed my head into a wall. and then, missing my 10pm show because we made a damn stupid detour. followed by me deciding to lock myself in the room and listen to my music before i hurt myself or something or someone. well, i really should go going. thank you for reading, and don't be a silent reader ya? loveya.

2007-01-05T15:41:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

yesterday, i wasn't in singapore. i was in malaysia, at a kind of fortune teller place with my grandma, second aunt and mother. and it truly has been a very interesting visit. nevermind the fact that i was hardly surprised at what the guy said, about my studies sure, but about almost everything else, i expected it. with interpretation from mummy and the tour guide, i may be young but i have a lot of frustrations. i wanted to laugh, but i doubt that would have been appropriate so i didn't. don't you think that is quite an accurate description. although i must admit, it sucks that my grandma, second aunt and mother were there. so much for keeping it to myself, argh. and he did say that i should go to church more often. and just when i thought of cutting down on the number of times i step into church. but i guess it is time for a self evaluation and reforming habits, bad ones anyway. i guess there will always come a point in a person's life when you have to sit down and think about your life so far, and how it's going to go on from there on. and seeing as how this is the next major turning point in my life, i really should sit down and think about it. think about everything.

he also pointed out that i don't take breakfast. and so, i'm starting to take breakfast. will probably start skipping lunch, and have dinner instead. as well as starting my swimming sessions with mummy. twice a week. i really need to do something to get my mind off the hassles of work and not to mention, my life. hahas. but yes, i'm going to start eating breakfast. hahas. funny isn't it? amanda starts eating breakfast after seeing a fortune teller. now you know why people call me weird.

he also happen to touch on my love life. it would be much better for me to concentrate on my studies now, than to look of a guy. and looking back at recent developments, i think that is the best solution. i doubt i have stopped believing in love, but i think i really do need the break. there is only so many times a girl's heart can take a beating. and besides, there hasn't been anyone who has caught my eye. but yes, even if there is someone who has caught my eye, we'll be friends for now. because if sleeping beauty could sleep for a hundred years, my true love should be able to wait another five years or so for me, right?

he said i worked hard at school. and i almost laughed, but i caught myself. if i had worked so hard at school, why am i sitting here, fearing the worst when my results come out? why when thinking about my future, all i can think of is me slogging for the rest of my life and never being able to give my mother the life that she deserves? i still don't know what i am going to do about my studies. to continue, or not to continue. i have discussed this with a few people. if i don't make it, i might go to poly and take a course either in accounts, finance or early childhood. and if i do make it, the first thing i'll do is go to church and thank god. but because i hardly have any confidence that i will pass, i'm thinking of the ways i can go after the results come out. i can either continue studying, in poly. or i could continue working, and save enough money before going to poly. or maybe i'll take an accounting course in another school, just for the diploma. i've run out of options, but you see, only the option of me working will bring in money. everything else requires money to be spent, and in huge amounts. i really think i should stop spending, and start saving for that diploma or poly education. because i know that on my mother's pay alone, there is no way i could get through poly or even a diploma course. but we'll see how it goes. i'm still quite amazed that he said i study hard. but then again, maybe i do and i'm just dumb that's why studying doesn't help. *sigh*

well, i guess that was about it. but the trip was interesting though. the bus was way cool, and i slept about half the time we were in the bus. but i managed to finish my book, in one day. but looking at how my typing has been coming along, i doubt i'll be able to finish one book per day any more. maybe i'll start with one book in two days. but we'll see how. after the 31st jan, it will go back to borrowing 4 books per card. maybe it's a good thing i guess, work more, play less. anyhow, talking about work. i got my first pay check! although it will go to paying for the hongkong trip, it's a total rush to get your first pay check! hahas. i'm crazy, i know.

anyhow, i'm going out with ben and whoever else tags along tomorrow. haven't seen that guy in eons! anyhow, it'll be interesting tomorrow. hahas. and i might go for mass, seeing as how on sunday it's macho's 1st death anniversary and we got to attend the ceremony. hmm, i'm running out of things to blog. i'll be going for mass tonight, scared heart devotion. after that, it's heading home to watch tv! inuyasha. *swoons* i can't believe i'm swooning over an anime character. hahas. well, i better get going. i'll blog again another day. thanks for reading, do take care of yourself. *hugs* please do tag! don't be a silent reader (: loveya!

2007-01-02T22:05:00.000+08:00

good evening.

if anyone really wants me to retain my sanity or what is left of it, please buy me a new computer. i seriously hate my 10GB computer. yes, you heard it right. 10 fucking GB. who the fuck in the world has a computer that small anymore? well, apparently i still fucking do! and it's pissing me off right now. this exact moment. and i frankly don't care if i'm cursing so much that it'll send me to hell for the next thousand years or so, i'm just so fucking pissed off.

one hour has passed and i have almost completed the bulletin. some of my anger has already been vented with the music that is currently blasting in my ears. have i mentioned how i totally love my new ear phones because they block out noise from my surroundings? yes, so some of my anger has been released there. and before i end this post, thank you to that lovely boy, no, man who has withstood my anger and calmed me down. you know who you are *smiles* i love you! hahas, just like how i love everyone else. =X see! i'm in such a better mood, and i'm smiling! isn't that a wonder? night all. *hugs* loveya!

2007-01-01T16:01:00.000+08:00

good afternoon!

along with a new year, i've gain a new internet explorer! it has been interesting to say the least. i have also started to not use my mouse. for a few reasons actually. firstly because it is spoilt and they only way it can move on my screen is right and left. rather annoying if you ask me. secondly, i have decided that i should try using the mouse pad on my laptop. the double clicking thing is really exciting. hahas!

anyway, i'm now sitting in my living room and have changed from my black class t-shirt to a light coloured top. i don't believe how hot amanda can get just from sitting down and watching television. well, before i got my computer, we were watching ladder 49 and it was a nice show. although the guy i didn't like died, it was a good show. if you do have the time, you should watch it. builds up a kind of admiration i have for fire fighters. i wouldn't mind, altough seeing the rats, and my fear of height. i think i'll stick to another job. hahas. now mummy is watching king authur. i've watched the show before at uncle jeffrey's house but i don't seem to have a very strong impression of the show. aside from a few boring scenes with a whole chunk of dilouge which i couldn't make out then because the vcd didn't have subtitles and we couldn't turn up the volume because of the old people in the house. and with all that dirt and grim, you can hardly see the cute from the ugly. but i must admit, lancelot and authur are cute. hahas. enough with that now, i never know how many underaged children might be reading this!

today and tomorrow are not planned for anything. yet as of today, me and mummy have already four future arrangements for the month of jan and feb. but it's all right, because i have put it down in my new diary. all right, my mind is being occupied by the show. i will blog again another day. i know my first post of the new year should be long and drawn out and everything. ahh. my mind is running away from me! take care. god bless. lots of love. *hugs*

2006-12-31T00:23:00.000+08:00

good morning.

in less than twenty four hours, it will be a new day and a new year. and since i usually take more than an hour to blog, i think i'll just blog now. rather than wait till it's almost midnight and then rush though it. after all, the last post of the year. it has got to be meaningful don't you think? well, i just finished reading thought seventeen after i watched a movie on ch5 with mama. i better get started, before mummy comes home and i end up rushing this post again.

with every new year, there will always be new year resolutions. it always was easier to make new year resolutions. for one, i was always going to be starting school. resolution number1, study harder and consistently. resolution number2, don't miss a single day of school. resolution number3, don't play too much and end up neglecting homework. and in my past 12 years of study, i cannot say that i have kept all three resolutions. but this year, my results are coming in during march. and even after that, i've got a few more months before i start university. that is, if i can get into a university. but everything's changing. i'm starting my year differently. but i do have a few new year resolutions. resolution number1, do not miss a single day of work. seeing as how working is to increase my cfp funding as well as for my university fund. to miss a day of work, is to lose precious money for my education. nevertheless, spending money on people i love and for people i love, is still a must. amanda will find a way out, she always does. with that aside, resolution number2, remain happy, even in the face of most dire circumstances. seeing as how i'll be receiving my 'a' level results and then, possibly uni posting, i think i would require a whole lot of courage and strength to stay happy in such dire situations. resolution number3 is looking to be very bleak, even now. i am known, to some people as a very pessimesitc person. but if you knew what had been happening the past few weeks, resolution number3 would seem bleak to you as it is to me. resolution number3, try to be on better terms with family members. i don't want to be pessemistic and all, but i don't seem how a new year can help improve on our relations. i must admit, i haven't been the best cousin or niece in the world, but unlike some people, i do not pay lip service to wishes and wants and yet do nothing. because in my eyes, that is just plain hypocritic. well, i guess up till now, 12.36am on the 31st of decemeber 2006, i only have 3 resolutions that i have thought of. i have considered putting 'finishing all my stories' under resolution number4, but i figured that it really isn't a resolution. or is it? hahas. i'm not even entirely sure! but i am beginning to babble now, now that i have nothing much to say. on to the next topic!

i really have too many stories swimming in my head. so far, i've got at least 9 or 10 down on paper. i've got a few scenes from another 2 or 3 stories written out. and yet i constantly find things to do aside from finishing my stories. work has been a large factor of making me delay my writing. writing although a past time to me, has become a slight chore the past few months. i don't know why, but maybe because i have no time at work to write or no time in the day to write. now, comparing to my lunch breaks in school and literature breaks. reading, my other addiction has also taken up a larger portion of my time. because it's easier to fit in at work, and much easier to do on the way. i can't possibly lug my laptop to work only to work on one or possibly no chapter in the bus when there is a seat, or no seat at all can i? but i do intend on alloting sunday as writer's day. gaming day is saturday, i find that i can stay up later and hence more gaming time. writing, can be squeezed in during the weekdays if i don't feel so tired or if i've got extra time on my hands. gaming, is addictive and cannot be given half an hour on weekday nights. i'll end up sleeping at 2am and waking up late for work the next day. that will not do. so, from this monday onwards. sundays are for writing and publishing as well. hopefully before my results come out, i would have finished publishing 'will you stay?' and am starting on it's sequel. and then, there are my other stories. amanda sure has her work cut out for her!

lately, i've been having dreams. not the normal happy dreams of nothing in particular. but dreams that have extremely good plot. could be my writer mind, or it could just be nothing. i must say, the dreams border on the scary factor. and the fantasy. magic power, flying transportation, high tech gadgets, psyhic powers. the first dream i had, i might pen it down although there are rather wide gaps between the scences that i seem to have trouble filling in. as for the scary dreams, mummy woke me up in the middle of it. but for the scary dream, there is no plot. just houses, investigation, ghosts, images, whispers. it could be due to the too many movies i've been watching. or tv serials. and also the books i've been reading. i must say, nora roberts really is a very good writer. but that is beside the point. and the worst/best part of the dreams? i know i'm dream. and i seem to be looking in. always a player in the story. it would have been finr if it ended at that, but during the day, i get flashes. and trust me, it's beginning to freak me out. i can't stay in silence longer than 3 seconds. i stare at corners, like someone's looking back at me. i constantly need something to occupy my mind. maybe i'm going crazy, i don't know. i just want to be normal.

thoughts of him has also been coming back quite frequently. this time last year, i was in a hotel room with the family because aunty alice was here. and when i held that bottle to my lips, the only person i saw was him. now, i want to leave him in this year. leave him behind. because by just carrying him with me, is slowing me down and everyone's gaining ground. i refuse to be left behind, just because of him. did i mention, i got reaquinted with 'tong hua' on the hongkong trip. although i can say that listening to the song now doesn't bring about bouts of tears, or the ache in the heart, it still does bring to mind his face when he was on stage. some things are indeed hard to forget. i don't remember how he smells, or how warm his body felt when he hugged me. when i can't seem to forget his face. the last look i saw before i never saw him look at me again. funny don't you think? i don't remember his face when we were happy. or when he was smiling. i don't rememeber much, aside from that look. it's much harder to remember how my father looks like than to remember how nicholas looks like. maybe i should add this to my new year resolutions. resolution number4, forget nicholas cheang.

i don't know how the attached video is going to come out like. but if you can watch it, please do. and i apologize if because of the video, it causes your computer to lag. please let me know if it does, and i'll take the video away. this song is by jesse mccartney. just so you know. i saw the video just now after the movie. and i think i really am a sucker for heartfelt love songs. if i was rich enough, i'll have my own collection of romance novels in my room. and also a collection of love songs. but i'm not rich enough, not yet anyway. anyhow, reading this post must have allowed the video to load. so sit back and enjoy this three minute video. it really is nice. isn't he just fantablous?

Music Video Code By Urbnmix
jesse mccartney - just so you know

how could i have forgotten to blog about my outing with the two kiddos, i don't know. that morning turned out to be dry. that was until we were all dry and in the house when it started to rain, very heavily. we watched star wars and finally left the house, much to genestine's delight, at 2pm. we dropped at ps, and amanda lost another nail. so much so that i have already cut all my nails. i am not taking anymore chances. especially when it hurts, a whole lot. we raided the arcade. -yeah right- and ended up taking neo prints because they didn't have the machine genestine wanted to play. the neo prints turned out great! and despite our lack of knowledge of japanese, we managed to get though it all just fine! *smiles* the movie was great, although i almost lost my heart before that when genestine slipped on the steps! but luckily we caught hold of each other. so no bruises, amanda just lost a small portion of her heart. hahas. we stumbled on a nice stationery shop and the cashier, looked like yul! but the cashier was a girl! *looks shocked* then we all decided that yul looks a bit like a girl anyway. hahas. we then headed down for dinner where we didn't overeat! hahas. we had chicken, fish and beef. the sharing was fun and we had a jolly fun time of laughing our asses off! hahas. after dinner we sent steffie and genestine back to steffie's house. and another new discovery i made was that they play inuyasha episodes on arts central every wednesday, thursday and friday nights from 11pm to 11.30pm. *yahoo* i'm so happy! hahas. no need to wait for the episodes to load, and wonder if they have english subtitles or not! yippie! thank you steffie! anyhow, i think we should do it again, during the june holidays? we'll see how *smiles*

i should get going now. going to listen to my music and watch some more videos. and then, i'm going to sleep when mummy comes home. and then, it'll be sunday. church. and then, a countdown to 2007 later on in the evening. for all those who've felt 2006 to be the worst year of your life, 2007 should make for a better year, hopefully. and for those who believe that there can be no better year than 2006, everything can always get better, always. *hugs* sweet dreams. good night. don't let the bed bugs bite. *muacks* loveya!

2006-12-27T23:47:00.000+08:00

good evening.

i had just done some 'tickle test' sent to me buy some guy. and i've got feedback that the description fits me rather well. i'll type it out here, and you can post on my tagboard what you think about it *smiles*

amanda, your emotions are triggered by your underlying belief in compassion
in other words, your uncompromisingly compassionate nature directly affects how, and how often, you experience certain feelings.
for example, your test results indicate that you're most fulfilled when you can lend a helping hand to those who really need it. that factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in compassion and the range of emotions it triggers.

it ends there because i need to pay for a further analysis of myself. and i don't have that much extra cash to spare at the moment =X

i'm skipping work tomorrow. and it is for a good cause! i'm bringing the girls out. we're heading back to my place for a movie first including breakfast. than another movie at PS or at the new Cathy building before dinner. i can almost see the fun we're going to have! *smiles*

before i get over excited, my condolences to jessica. whatever happens babe, i'm only a call away. and i've got great shirts, the shoulders are padded so you can soak them all you like *grin* just take it easy and lay off the guilt trip ok? i strongly believe that our self guilt trips are a part of our human nature. sometimes it's good, when it helps you to push you forward and make you do things better the next time roung. but guilt trips like this, are not worth it. not for even a split second. and i've been there, all you need is faith in god and love for your uncle. and then, you're set *smiles* but if you need a friend, even for like 5 minutes. i'm a 24hour hotline! remember, i love you.

so, mummy is back. my eyes are droopy. and i need to wake up early tomorrow. so i am going to head to bed now and i'll blog again during the weekend, before the new year comes. and despite my previous thoughts of stopping this blog, i think i'll continue it. after all, i hardly see my friends and i suppose there are quite a few people who are silent readers. well, i should really get going. good nights. i love you!

2006-12-26T11:14:00.000+08:00

good morning.

it has been exactly ten days since i last blogged. between that time i've flown off to Hong Kong and celebrated Christmas in Singapore, unfortunately. well, i'm much too lazy to document my entire Hong Kong trip here, so if you'd like to know any details, call me, message me, pm me. i am definitely much too lazy to recount my entire adventure. well, after the trip was christmas celebrating. i must say, i don't feel anything special. almost every christmas, i've felt something special. be it the starting of december, the day before christmas or even during midnight mass. but this year, there doesn't seem to be any tingling feeling. has my heart really gone cold? i'll talk about some things, not in order, and we'll see how this post pans out. i don't want to promise anything, and neither do i want to continue ranting. i think there does come a point when amanda has to stop ranting, because it doesn't do much aside from soothing my anger.

despite my previous complaints about being lazy, i might just highlight my trip. sunday was spent shopping and effectively killed my feet. only amanda would go walking for an entire day in her two and a half inch boots. despite the fact that the boots might have kept my feet warmer, i should have brought my old pair of school shoes and then dump them in Hong Kong for a more favourable pair of shoes to return to Singapore in. hahas. wells, there is always next time!

well, after that first day, it was Disney Land the next day. and really, we need more than one day at Disney Land. and we should stay at the hotel at Disney Land. not only for the experience but also for the convience of not rushing back with the hordes of people. anyhow, after Disney Land was an extremly late dinner with uncle Ricky's business friends. it was interesting, and the food was just simply to die for. although they had ordered too much, the food was good. i think i must have definitely put on a few pounds there! *screams* but i did enjoy myself, so i can't say anything else on that matter.

wednesday was taking the bus to Ethel's grandma house where we had dim sum for breakfasy. twenty types in total. i must say, this has been the best trip so far where we do get to experience the best the country has to offer. definitely a yes for another trip there next year *smiles* after we returned to her grandma's place before we went to climb the mountain. only me and mummy were not exactly properly attired as we were both in boots. my heels were lower, thank god!, but mummy wore her new ones which she was very comfortable in. despite that, amanda was in a skirt! everyone who was coming down the hill was staring at me. but really, who wears a skirt to climb a mountain? only amanda! hahas. but that makes me unique, doesn't it? keke. after the mountain climb, we headed back down and got ready to go to The Peak. the ride was long, but boy was it worth the view. depsite mummy freezing her ass off at the top of The Peak, i was close to heaven at the top of The Peak! and i took plenty of photos! i even caught the changing colours of the building on camera. which saw me standing there for at least five minutes clicking away at my camera. but trust me, it was worth it. after that, we took the tram down. and if you like vertical rides, but not fast rides, you should take the tram. i swear i thought i was almost perpendicular to the ground! after the tram down, we took the normal tram to have wonton mee. and the wontons are huge! each wonton had 5 prawns in it! not to mention, it was really delicious. after that, we took the ferry back. at the hotel, i all but sat on my bed and fell asleep. hahas!

thursday saw us at Ocean Park with Ethel's aunty and her family. we took almost all the rides at the Park and it was awesome! it really helps to go overseas with your friends, seem to make you want to try everything. could anyone ever imagine amanda going on a rollarcoaster ride? i might have bit off my tongue before i went ont the ride. but it was fun especially with mummy and erika. although we got thrown around a lot, more so for erika, it was still fun. and The Abyss which only me and mummy sat, it was fantastic! the thrill was enough to make me want to go again, only if the queue was not so long. hahas. we also took the water ride, which left us drenched. me and mummy were not so wet, unlike erika and ethel who were dripping, literally. hahas! but it was fun and exciting. after that, we fed ourselves before taking the cable car down. and if you think Singapore's cable cars is high, Ocean Park's cable cars are way higher. and it was terribly funny when i kept laughing. i guess that is how i handle stress. was making everyone else laugh. hehes. after that, we went for a family dinner. after the family dinner, we headed back. and the packing started! mummy had managed to fit a whole load of things into my bag which was really handy and meant that i could buy more things on our last shopping trip the next day! hehes. evantually, we were too tired and just jumped into bed. a few items still left unpacked.

the last and final day, we left our bags downstairs before we went out for breakfast. then, Ethel's parents went for dim sum with their friends and we went shopping! i bought 2 sweat shirts for myself, 1 sweat shirt for jess, another pair of converse shoes, a top, bracelet for pam, necklace for myself, a pull over for mummy and two long sleeved shirts to be shared between mummy and me. to sum it up, it was a good last day shopping! hahas. well, the flight back was all right. even sitting with erika and ethel was fun. but you really shouldn't leave a sweet box with ethel when she's nervous. you really shouldn't. anyhow, we reached home around 12.30am. packed and everything by 2am. was dead tired and jumped into bed. it really was an exhausting yet fulfilling trip *smiles*

well, enough about my trip to Hong Kong. the pictures will be developed as soon as i get my first pay check. which should be soon, i think. anyhow, i had a christmas party yesterday at aunty veronica's house. it was fun! and the food was yum yum. but it is a good thing that i didn't over eat. thinking back, i seem to have ate very little. only probably ate too many brownies. but how can you ask amanda to not eat brownies that look simply delicious and are waiting to be consumed by an appreciative consumer. hahas. anyhow, i got a piggy bank from them which makes noise when you drop coins into it. i really felt like a three year old kid when i stared, eyes wide at the piggy bank. it really was good to be young and innocent then. other christmas presents include, a kebaya skirt [godma], box of chocolates [aunt cat], 2 pairs of earrings + 2 books + sweets [jessica], phone chain [elvin], note book [steffie]. i must say, i'm terribly happy with my presents. despite my indifference to christmas this year. and it must be the giving as well, i must have given out quite a lot of presents. hahas. the movie date has been set for thursday, and boy am i looking forward to that. you never know what's going to happen when you're with jessica, steffie and genestine together. hahas.

since this post has put me in a much better mood, i shan't talk about anything else that might dampen my mood. and i shall leave it at that, on to the next topic!

before i end this post, a post belated birthday to Daryl Chin and Josceline Foo. you're older, hopefully wiser. take care of yourselves and hope you enjoyed your day. i know Josceline enjoyed having her nose dripped in cream cake. *opps* was no one else suppose to know that? but i got photos! keke. i'm getting good at this backmailing routine. take care ya? both of you! *hugs* *muacks* love you both!

so, i guess i end this here. i will definitely post again before the end of the new year. my reading has been coming along and i'm terribly upset that the maximum 8 books quota is only till the 31st of Jan2007. i know i would be delighted if they extended it for the rest of my life but it's all right. that is when my mummy comes in. and even possibily anyone who has a library card but doesn't use it. i promise i won't incur any charges, and i'll treasure the books and your kindness! hehes. all rights, i better get going. it's going to be lunch time soon. Happy Boxing Day, a belated Merry Christmas and an early Happy New Year. all my love, always.

2006-12-16T19:02:00.000+08:00

good evening.

today's post will mostly be ranting. the day was good, to say the least. but it still seems that when i hear your name, or any mention of you, it just twists my stomach into knots and the only colour i see is red. and the only thing i really want to do is scream at you, hit you and inflict bodily harm upon you. and i don't give a shit if i'm not respecting my elders. because you know what? you don't deserve that respect. maybe i don't either, but at least i don't go around putting people down just so i can feel good about myself and what i've done.

i cannot believe my own grandmother suggested that you did us a fucking favour by taking my mother as your god daughter and me as your grand god daughter. right now, the only god mother i'd acknowldge is aunty lily who has been a much better god parent than you'll ever be in a million years. just the thought that you did us a favour is enough to make me want to vomit that i can almost taste bile in my mouth. it's disgusting. but if you do want to think of it as a favour, weighing what you have done for us and what you did to my mother on that one night, i would have rather you ignored us like the rest of the people in church. i even wouldn't mind you talking about us behind our backs, or even spreading rumors. i know a few people who have, and no, i do not want to mention names. but at least we wouldn't be as hust because we wouldn't have trusted you. trusted you as a friend to stand by her. trusted you as a god parent to lead her. right now, i don't even know who god is anymore. with god parents like you, i'd rather never let my child know god in his/her entire life.

the favour part still pisses me off majorly. but i'm trying to let that go. because do you know what is worse? the worse part is that you even didn't even have the fucking guts to say it to my mother in her face. you hid behind your fucking phone and messaged her. and i do see a trend. do you all always hide behind your phones to do your dirty work and then pretend that you're still all holy and good? bullshit. and i can't even stomach the idea that i'm not attending mass and will be going for confession when i return from the trip. i can't even sit though one session of mass without the question of 'what the fuck am i doing here' running through my head. i'm dying so desperately to do something. i've been this desperate since that rumor that i've gone out with all the guys in this church. but what the fuck can i do?

when i say i've been wronged, everyone points out that it's the same with everyone else. and we should take it in our stride. when others have been wronged, to a lesser extent, you shout and tell the entire world. as if justice isn't done, the world will never be ok. now you tell me, what the fuck is wrong with this picture? you say that they had numberous problems with the church, how about me? i was in way more shit then i had actually done. you all cry, pat each other shoulders and tell them it's ok. but did anyone tell me it was ok? all they did was sit me down and proceed to tell me how it was my fault that i never had the right mind to inform a fucking adult. when i didn't even know about the fucking situation until it was the last minute. and no one bothered to see who was doing the taking care. the mothering. i had vomit on my fav jacket, i had to feed them and all you can do is sit me down and tell me what a fucking disappointment i am? now tell me what is wrong with that picture.

i just don't know what i'm doing anymore. i go to church, i look at the cross and all i want to do is walk away. i don't even care if i'm going to spend the rest of my life in hell, because i don't think there can be anything worse than being in this church. sometimes all i want to do is take the plunge. i don't want to care about anything, anymore.

you know what? forget it. i'm fucking pissed off now and i just need to do something that has nothing to do with church. nothing at all.

2006-12-13T19:48:00.000+08:00

good evening.

it has been exactly a week since i last blogged. and once again, *gets down on knees* thank god it's midweek. however this time, it is for an entirely different reason. if you have yet to realize, amanda will be flying off on sunday morning, at 6am. for those who actually want to send me off, i thank you for your thoughts. for those who wish i would leave sooner, i would appreciate an air ticket next time. i will go into more detail in a few minutes. but before i move on to any more significant part of my life and day, just wanted to wish a special someone a happy birthday. he'll be 15 this year. if it was a year ago, i'd have a long drawn out speech for him, but now, i just don't want to dwell on it anymore. i shall not dwell, onto my next topic.

the final details of the trip has been tended to. insurance. flight. hotel. itenery. now all i need to do is pack as little things as possible, and slprge till my heart's content in hong kong. everyone knows i need to get a whole lot of shit off my chest. mummy wouldn't be working on saturday, but i do foresee that my paycheck would be able to cover the lack of income when we're in hong kong. i know my paycheck was suppose to be extra cash, but just as well, better in surplus than in a deficit. nevertheless, we have saved over $500 for us to spend. i know i wouldn't be spending all of it because mother does have some things she'd like to buy. and even if she didn't, i'd force her to buy something. it's about time she actually decided to buy something for herself. other than the bubling excitment, there really is nothing else i'm feeling about going to hong kong.

work has been all right. lunch on tuesday was on uncle harris. he came back as a contract staff for another event, he's in charge of sales. then today, it was on cindy. i think i better bring extra cash tomorrow, we're heading to the new shop opposite the street. nevertheless, i will bring extra cash! hahas. just in case. tomorrow is also the next facial. omg, i can imagine i want to die. but the appointment has been made so, i shall suffer. and hopefully have a clearer face. the books that keep me company during the lull hours of the day have been great. nora roberts is really a good writer. somehow, i wish i could write like that. the way she captures your attention, intrigues your curosity, makes you wonder. i shall continue practicing. but talking about writing...

home has been finished and i've got feedback from a few people. i would want to post it here, but it's really long. i really think it would be much better that if you wanted it, message or e-mail me and i'll send it over. i'm actually thinking about what xiao an and brenden told me before school ended. about starting with short stories first. i suppose that way, it'll be easier on people who don't particularly like to read long stories. but before i start on that, i got to think of plots. i don't want to write the same thing over again, even though i've said before that the plot doesn't matter, it all depends on how the writer expands on it and how the story develops. nevertheless, this might take more time than i expected. but well, i never expected much so it's all good *smiles*

i can't believe it. it's only 8.19pm and i'm tired. so i'm actually going to wrap this up. to someone, don't always look so stressed. you know you can always talk to me, and i promise to remain objective. but do take care of yourself right? don't make me worry so much about you! hehes. to someone else, what is love? i can't help you in choosing the one you're suppose to be spending most of your tme with. but who do you see a future with? the one you love, or the one you've got a crush on. are you willing to give up your love for one girl, to persue another girl who caught your eye. i can't say it's wrong, i can't say it's right. it all depends on you, really. but if you need a listen ear, a shoulder, i'm gonna be here, always *smiles* as for the rest of my shout outs, they can wait. actually, i've got none left. so there, i'm going to wash my face, clean myself before reading then heading to bed. thanks for reading. don't miss me when i'm in hongkong. take care. *hugs* loveyou.

2006-12-06T20:55:00.000+08:00

good evening.

it is mid week! finally! *gets down on knees and bow to heaven* i started work on monday and it really wasn't that bad, getting back into the flow of things. i did almost fall asleep on the desk front desk but one of the girls managed to get out the data entry for me to do. which means i get to work with the computer. i love the computer yes, but i also love my books. although my dreams of sitting around all day and reading my books has been dashed, somewhat, i'll get by. after all, looking at how slow that computer moves, i'd be able to get some reading in between *smiles widely* lunch time has almost transformed into chinese speaking lessons coupled with tolerance lessons. the new accountant, she's sweet but she is totally chinese speaking and smokes. the smoking part doesn't irk me as much anymore no, i'm not a smoker. because she always does it when she's alone or when she's waiting for me. the chinese part though, i just need to get over my shame of not being able to speak fluently in chinese and then, i'll be all set. today's lunch however has been successful. we discussed things, families, boyfriends and i brought her to the library! ahh, the wonderful sensation of being surrounded by books. if i had a choice, i wouldn't be working and i'd be at the library, reading from 10am until 6pm. anyhow, it was an interesting experience to say the least. other than that, everything has somewhat returned to normal. i've got a dinner date with aunt veron and lynn and gosh am i excited. after that we'd be going back to aunt veron's house to borrow one of her luggage for me! i'm planning to take the biggest one but we'll see how heavy it is first. because mother has made it quite clear that i'll be carrying my own lagguage *groans* i would say that this week has been a great improvement and at least, one aspect of my life is beginning to settle down.

i still cannot believe that my church life is going to always be this exciting! and whoever said church life was boring should try experiencing it once in a while. and i don't mean, standing ten paces away observing. i mean, getting in there and getting all this crap thrown onto you. trust me, if you want to spice up your life a bit, you should try it out. and you never know, you might find god in the chaos. well, the situation is still horrible and i am still dreading to go to church. but that isn't the main problem as of yet, the main problem is still her. let me ask you this, could you ever text something extremely hurtful to someone close to you and than act like nothing is wrong the next time you see them? i know i wouldn't. i'd be overwhemled with guilt, shame, anguish. guilt if i had done the deed out of anger. shame if i had done the deed out of anger and was unable to control my anger. anguish if deep down inside, i still carry the flame of hope that things between us could get better. but everyone is unipue in they're own way so my feelings are not necessarily felt by everyone, especially her. but back to the situation. how could someone i had seen as warm, loving and kind say such hurtful words and then act like she did nothing wrong? it really makes me wonder if she had warmth to begin with or that all along she had been stringing us along when deep down inside, she's almost as cold as the north pole. maybe i had my suspicions before, i admit. how she'd scoff at situations/people, how she'd close people out and put them out and how well she carried her wealth. but as you can see, i purged them. she was suppose to become someone close to me, god given, they called it. i still wondered though, how she ended up with him, it just seems like such an unlikely match. but now isn't the time to question it, it only proves that love does overcome everything. so we're stuck in this situation. my mother, she's ok with acting like nothing has happened, play along. how does she expect me to play along? after rebelling against the authorities the first few incidents, i began to play along and took almost everything in my stride but how did that work out? i was played, cheated, made a fool of and destroyed. trust me, i'm still majorly pissed about that rumor. i should be flattered that every available guy in church would want to sleep with me but that silver lining isn't that shiny, really. so if you really think i'm going to play along, you've got another thing coming. i have decided that there really is nothing i'd like to do now in church, and if i ever anyone needs a reason why i'm suddenly cold, i don't mix with people who believe hearsay than trust someone you care about. that really is all the reason i need. to you, outsiders, it might not seem enough but someone who wasn't there when my bed sheet was spotted with blood, who wasn't there when my pillow was soaking, who wasn't there when all i did was question myself, who wasn't there when i was on the verge of throwing myself into darkness, who wasn't there when false accusations almost made me broke down doesn't deserve much of a reason for my lack of warmth and love. furthermore, she has to seem to forgotten the times we've stood up for her when people were whispering behind her back. we both stood, tall and proud and defended you and what do you do? turn your back, listen to their lies and attack us like we were the enemies. and besides, if you asked her, i doubt she'd feel any sense of loss without me. because i'm beginning to believe that i don't matter. not to her, not to anyone. not to anyone in this church anyhow. maybe i've had that suspicion bubbling under the surface for a long time, i've just never taken the time or effot to think about it. but i'm staying, if not for god, it'll be because of my stubborn-ness and my desire to show them that i'll survive, no matter what. how did i get into this mess, you might ask. it surely isn't my battle to fight, i know. but if you mess with someone i love, do you expect me to sit by and watch the one i love break down? i've decided that taking the immediate way out really doesn't work with the people in this church, so i'm taking my time. and we'll see how the future pans out. because i'm not letting this go. and in the words of the Quinn brothers, it's not a threat, it's a promise.

my love life is still in the dumps so we shall skip this part. but if you want to know, everyone else's love lives seem to be on high. or maybe it's just me! either way, i'm not going to let this bother me. i've got too much on my plate now anyway. so i am going to just skip this and head on to the ending.

my short drabble on 'home' is on it's way to completion. i am actually planning to do it now, so i shall conclude here. i'm planning to go and read some pages before bed, and i'll be waiting up for mother. i can't seem to sleep these few days, i don't know if it's because i'm really a night creature, sleeping problems or i'm just too tightly wounded to relax and sleep. either way, it doesn't bother me much. as long as i've got energy for the next day and for everything that i have to do, i'm cool. so i should get going now. thanks for stopping by! sweet dreams, *hugs*, take care, *muacks*, love you!

2006-12-03T21:10:00.000+08:00

good evening!

since my last post, there has clearly been ups and downs. well, i wouldn't say there have been more downs since i've yet to actually count the situations. but let's just go through my week shall we? starting from where we left off, tuesday night.

wednesday was spent going on errands to get the items i needed for grad night, as well as my cheque. after which i waited for at least twenty minutes in the blasted sun for the bus to come, and when the bus came, i had to stand all the way which even though i was in my track shoes, the balls of my feet hurt! but as usual, seeing the girls always make everything much better. sat around and talked to ethel till mummy came with my belongings because we were going to be sleeping in the performing arts room. shallow i know but wells, we needed our beauty rest before grad night the next day. i got mummy to bring my half done mask and ethel helped me with it! it turned out to be really pretty, glittery and feather-y. i am frankly too lazy to blog about what happened during camp so, maybe you'd have to go blog hopping and maybe stumble upon a junior's blog or someone else who has more free time and isn't dead tired. next up, grad night.

to say it was dead boring is going a little way overboard. yet to say that i had fun, is very much a lie. although i must admit, i did have some fun moments. after mummy dropped me off, waited around for familiar faces. or rather, familiar faces that would acknowledge me. saw gen, never took a photo. saw michelle, never took a photo. saw jean, never took a photo. saw mindy, never took a photo. what kind of dumb idiot brings her camera with entirely empty memory discs and not take as many photos as she could. and as of now, i've got less than 15 photos to be developed. i suppose this is good in a way, save money on developing photos would equal to more money for other uses. well, the food was good and i ate everything that was on my plate, aside from bones. saw ethel after the event to take photos, i think that was the only time i smiled so wide. my dress was all right, aside from trying to keep myself from tripping and keeping other people's feet off my dress. there were close encounters where my dress almost got stepped off. omg! hmmm. there really is nothing else much to be pointed out. i don't think i'd remember this grad night as i would my sec4 grad night. but i must admit, i liked my dress, shoes, hair and body much better at this grad night then i did at sec4 grad night. i suppose it does come to square. in a really twisted way, don't ask me to explain my twisted logic.

friday was spent in bed. it must have been the drink i had when i came home and sleeping at 1am. i messaged sam that i wouldn't be coming into work, don't really know if she got it. if she didn't, i'd just get a scolding tomorrow at work. that afternoon, me and mummy watched the two dvds that were sent to us. and it was a wonderful time! freaky friday and daddy day care. touching and heart warming. dinner was egg with cheese and wild mrushroom soup. at night was watching ghost whisperer and after that, prison break. well, that was about what i did on friday. we were suppose to go out for dinner, but i guess we were both lazy and it is hardly we get to stay home and laze around.

saturday was uneventful. aside from my early morning call from uncle vincent whose helping out with the bulletin. and i swear if i don't cultivate more patience until the next time i have to deal with him, i'd quit and never look back. the rest of the day was spent lazing around and evantually sleeping at 2am. and that is the reason i'm now yawning endlessly and would be heading to bed soon. *yawn* church today was surprisingly great. could be the presence of jess coupled with seeing elvin without all that cold tension in between. although my mood was dampened by uncle vincent and someone else, i guess since i'm still alive and not in jail, would testify that the day was on overall, a good one. if my sentences don't make sense, forgive me, i'm really very tired. after church went to j8 where we had lunch. saw ben gen's ben and yi fen. after lunch we went ntuc shopping where i got new face wash. to get all this dirt off my face. after that we headed up for ice cream, and boy was i filled. that would also lead to me not eating dinner today, as well as nothing else since i left j8.

ok, i'm sorry but i really can't take it. i need to go and sleep before i fall flat into my computer. to elvin, who tagged, i miss the hugs too and i never did get one to you today. remind me next week won't you? well, unless the tension doesn't return. as i've told you this afternoon, don't train too much not you just might disappear into thin air. hehes. take care of yourself ya? *hugs* love you. to jessica, you got to come back to church more often! i miss you, and i need someone to poke when mummy isn't in a good mood =X anyhow, take the stuff and get something to make yourself smile, you definitely deserve it! *hugs* take care babe! love you. well, i should be going now. next saturday, 16, planning on an early outing with the girls. two movies followed by mass later on at night because i'm leaving on sunday morning at 4am. i was thinking of inviting someone else, but nevermind, amanda shall not start world war III. so yes, my bed looks inviting. and i've also cleared my table, somewhat anyhow. so i've got space to work with and i'm planning to keep it that way! i do love space, really i do. ok, i'm beginning to blabber. nights! *pulls reader into a bear hug* sweet dreams. *smacks a kiss on both your cheeks* love you!

2006-11-29T01:02:00.000+08:00

good morning!

i know this is really too early to be blogging, but i thought i might want to blog before i head off to bed seeing as how i've got an extremely hectic schedule today and might not even be home tonight. just a brief run down, collecting grad night ticket from cjc, followed by hair clip from plaza singapura, cheque from zenith and finally feathers from art friend at brash basar complex seeing as how they are sold out at spotlight. the past few days has been rather hectic as well and i haven't had much time online. or rather, not much time left to blogging. saturday was day out with steffie. and amanda had to ruin her own day by tripping and falling. which has nicely given me a graze on my neck, right arm and a throbbing left palm. mummy says that something might have either gone into my palm when i fell or it's just the impact that is making it throb in pain, either way, i just want to pain to stop! the week before, thursday was blogged about and i don't want to relive it again. friday's last episodes of smallvile and charmed were much awaited for. smallvile still has another finale next friday but charmed ended nice and sweet, everything almost exactly as i was hoping for. this week however, it did not start off on a very good note.

monday was job interview day. the first drop off was at kallang pudding again. this time, it was raining. who knows if it's a blessing or a bad omen. it never did rain before when i went for a job interview but whenever it rained at home, it always meant something bad was on it's way. after that interview which never happened seeing as how everyone was out for lunch and amanda had to borrow a pen from the next door company to write down my particulars and slide it under the door. next stop was at parklane shopping centre where they were going to have a promotional sale at the events area and they needed sales people from the 1st to 14th. it would be the perfect time for me however the man has yet to call me back to inform me if i had been selected so, i'm still crossing my fingers on that one. despite the long hours 10am - 8pm, the low pay $4.50/hr but with the added bonus of 2% commission, i really wouldn't mind that job. better out earning money that at home wasting my time. besides, the money really would come in handy for either my trip to hong kong, or for my future education. oh, did i mention? i actually am thinking about taking an accounting degree next year before i enter university, that is if i'm even going in or i'm going to continue to work. why my sudden desire to take up an accounting degree? well, it seems that loads of people are looking for admin cum accounting staff and there is clearly a shortage of those in singapore! so i was thinking if i knew accounting, it would be so much easier to actually get a job that i may grow to love. so yes, that is basically my motive in taking up an accounting degree. anyone out there who would recommend a course somewhere that is actually recognized in singapore? because really, i am clueless about this.

as you can tell, my tone is slightly rushed as i really need to get getting to sleep. did i mention i might be staying over at ij tomorrow night? yes, to keep ethel company as well as to go visit my juniors. it's been ages since i last saw them, and i really do miss them. anyhow, my eyes are closing on me. my story on michael buble's song, home, has yet to be completed because i have hit a slight writer's block. but i am determined to get it done and possibly posted up on my blog for your reading pleasure. of course i'd have someone look through for spelling mistakes, grammer mistakes and whatnot. but i will get it up soon, i promise. and my stories online? i will get will you stay? another posted chapter and hopefully finish that story on my lappie. wells, i really have to go. thanks for dropping by again, please do tag so i know i'm not the only idiot whose reading my own blog. hahas. god bless you, always. take care of yourselves and of your families. the rain is getting rather annoying lately. sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite! i love you loads.

2006-11-23T18:09:00.000+08:00

good evening.

you ever heard the saying 'god works in mysterious ways'? well i have, and i have also quoted that to quite a number of people. obviously pointing at the way my life is panning out. really, who could find a silving lining in being labelled as a cast away? aisde from having to not be obliged to be nice to people you don't like and stay in the same room as them, especially when their perfume is choking the life out of you. *smiles* wells, something else happened the other day. i had just finished reading a story on fictionpress and with all the nonsense that has been happening around this household, i just decided to post. basically, i pointed out a few things from the church, as well as my current feelings towards everything and everyone. and trust me, somehow, i'm thankful that it was not posted up due to technical difficulties with blogger. i guess there will always be things that cannot be verbally expressed, i suppose that is the downfall of actually having agreed upon codes of conduct which society has to abide by, well, if you are living in that society of course. nevertheless, today's post really wouldn't be that far off. but mainly just amanda venting on personal issues which concerns no one else, unless you're near by or you're family.

first off, i'm getting throughly pissed at not finding a job. there are permernant jobs for administrative assistants and receptionist, yet there are no temp jobs for administrative assistants. and i suppose these few breaks in between the month are what's keeping me from getting a proper job. who actually wants to hire a girl whose going to take leave for the end of the week for her prom, and then an entire week off just to get to hong kong. and she's not even into her first month yet. i'm deciding if i should just try and get a job beginning in december or when i get back from my holiday. that way, no disruptions. i mean, i'd make sure there are no disruptions. but thinking about the trip, thinking about the bills, thinking about grad night, i'm again reconsidering this decision to not find a job. but there is always that lone star that stands up high in the sky for amanda. i have an interview with a data entry thingy tomorrow. we're meeting at amk mrt before finding a guy named 'richard' and then heading off with him. the job time is put as 7am up till 3pm. and there is another ad for a clinic assistant from 6.30pm till 9pm [previous experience not required] and i'm also thinking about that. that way, i've got a double income, and really, it would be great to help the finances in this household. there is also another weekend job at guardian, however if it weren't for the fact i'm not a big pulic speaker, but less promoter, i'm not really keen on the job. but if worst comes to worst, maybe i'd break down, sacrifice myself and get that job. a tad dramatic perhaps, but it's not really like you don't how i am *wink* so with making the situation look much better than before, i actually do feel much better. blogging really does work wonders. maybe it's the knowledge that someone out there is listening to you, lending a listening ear, even if that person is not a friend. now that i feel much calmer, i think i'd get onto my next topic. which if i had done first, i would have said a whole bunch of hurtful nonsense without thinking. although i am still considering even after calming down, because really, how in hell do you expect me to live in this place?!

one mistake i made today, was to sleep in the afternoon. i took a nap, because i was frustrated at the lack of job opprtunities and i knew myself. if i had not taken that nap, i would have snapped at my mother, my grandmother and anyone else that dared to get in my way. even my darling would not be spared. and by darling, i meant the one that sleeps with me and follows me around all day on four legs: my dog. anyhow, i slept for around 2 hours before i was rudely awoken by my grandmother. and if you know me, i'm a dead sleeper. you might be lucky if i wake up to answer you, but if there really is no motivation, i wouldn't move and inch and promptly fall back asleep if all is quiet even 2 minutes. so i obviously fell back asleep, second mistake of the day! she woke me up again and since she did sound a bit angry, i kicked my mother to get up. after all, she's the one with the higher will power to get out of bed. my speciality is losing weight. third mistake amanda made, trying to wake her mother when she's obviously tired. and so all those mistakes and i had a grandmother shouting that she would again throw out the food and threaten to never cook for us again. and trust me, she's pulled out that card one too many times that all we can do is nod, grit our teeth and eat. even if we've just had a 10 course dinner. trust me, it is that bad. so mother shouted and got out of bed. amanda sat in bed and cursed everything she saw before lugging herself out of bed and to help set the table. i tried to humor my mother, which was blantly and painfully hit down how can you blame a girl for trying! and so i decided to just shut my mouth, shut my mind down and become a robot. oh, another thing to mention, i've got a new motto: Smile, Nod, Pretend. perfect isn't it? so i sat there and decided that since i was going to be a robot, no use in eating food without the small pleasures. so i got all my things, kept my mouth shut obviously not when i was eating, and kept my thoughts at bay. and then, mother insisted on making the situation worse by totally ignoring my grandmother. and so i had to be the bloody fucking intermediary. and it took all of my self control not to take all the glass/crystal items we had in the house and throw them against the next available wall. i wanted to scream at them, hit them, both of them. and i gripped the plate so hard i was almost sure i was going to break it. for the next few minutes, i did what grandmother asked, before going back into my room. and despite my efforts at talking to her, mother ignored me. and this time, it took everything and more for me not to throw the plate of mango slices at her back. and i wouldn't give a damn even if she hit me or screamed at me. sometimes, i feel like rebelling. maybe this really is how rebellious children feel. they'd do anything, and i mean anything just to get their parent's attention. even if it meant for the papers to hate them. *sigh* what really is becoming of me, the once goody two shoes girl whose now deciding to work just to feed her impending clubbing habits and isn't going to leave a cent for her university education. but amanda has more sense than that huh? i hope so, because this dark abyss that i am being sucked into, the hole is beginning to close around me, and i can hardly breathe.

so that is what has been happening in my life lately. my new motto is much thanks to the latest fictionpress story i read, reason and romance. i suppose my new motto is very much an all emcompassing motto for any type of situation. and seeing as how i might be getting into quite a few of those situations, i guess this is my best bet yet. i know SNP would mean that i'd constantly keep my thoughts to myself, but looking at how past situations panned out, i think this would give my future situations a new look and hopefully new outcomes. even if i'm still uncomfortable with the new outcomes, i suppose anything really beats the old outcomes. well, i suppose now that all that is off my chest i would go and relieve some tension by playing maple. i know it's a horrible addiction game and it's a horrible relationship i have with the game, but even every normal person needs an addiction even though addictions are bad. at least i'm not addicted to sex [that's my silver lining for this dark cloud] but then again, i have yet to experience the wonderful act or as potrayed by the media today and who knows? i may be addicted to sex, hahas! good luck to my husband =X

well, i should go now. i've up dated my wish list, seeing as how christmas is around the corner. yet all my thinking of actually getting presents have all been fried. i can clearly forget about getting presents from my immediate family. if they remember, good on them but seeing as how the past holidays and celebrations have passed, it's better to not receive anything that to have calculative relatives. next we move on to my friends. i really don't expect anything. i must admit the things that i want are clearly off the range of a student, especially a non working student. and no, i don't expect my friends to spend their allowance money on me. and where does that leave me with? myself, obviously. maybe i'd work hard and buy something nice for myself. or maybe i'd clean out my room and house of anything that has to do with nicholas, look at it as a christmas and new year present to myself. no use pining for a guy when he obviously doesn't give a fuck. and did i mention that he still has another girl on the side? i doubt his mother knows, if she did, he probably would really be cut off from the world aside from when he goes to school. nevertheless, i plan on getting my information right before i actually do anything. and if you're wondering if i'm planning on screwing him over, what do you think i should do? because from where i'm standing, revenge is beginning to look really delicious. even if it's surrounded by the fires of hell. great, now i'm making all these lame jokes. i need to get away from this place! someone, anyone date me out!

i really should be going, three hours before prison break starts, after which i'd head to bed. and wish me luck for tomorrow. although the timings are weird, and the pay isn't really that fantastic, at least i'm getting some income. and if the amount of money put there is what i'd be getting a day, $38, that really wouldn't be too bad would it? at least i'd get a minimum if $150 a week. although it is much less that when i got previously, but if this job gets me out of the house, the only question i have now is 'why not?'. wells, i really gotta go. thanks for reading, it really helps knowing someone out there, anyone, is actually reading this blog. because in this cold world of mine, a little concern from anyone can really bring me a long way. so, thank you. take care and god bless. sleep early, despite it being the holidays, sweet dreams and don't let the bed bugs bite. i love you.

2006-11-14T22:15:00.000+08:00

good evening!

just spent the last few minutes stretching into the dark corner of my room to plug in the three pin plug to my computer and boy has my body been stretched! i never knew i was that long, but as they say, you learn a new thing everyday! anyways, with regards to my previous post. apparently i am still not able of leaving ~~that~~ place yet. mother still wants to return to that place, and she has pointed out a few valid points

1. he doesn't seem to know what is going on
2. why don't we stay to annoying the evil-ness out of them

and hey! amanda doesn't mind doing whatever has been stated above. *smiles* after all, a guide is supposed to do a good deed a day! i guess this might actually cancel out all the rest of the days of my life =X ok, amanda is talking nonsense right now. anyway, i decided to check up some words in the dictionary, just so you know what you're believing in and well, hopefully you'd see how stupid you look believing those rumors.

scandal: malicious gossip
rumor: information spread by talking but not certainly true
gossip: casual talk especially about other people's affairs

just thought i'd let you know what nonsense you're believing in. and hopefully, as i've stated above, see how stuipd you look. i never believed in gossip or rumors about people in this church when i first came. if i did, i wouldn't have made much friends now would i? and trust me, you don't wanna know the things i've heard because they might really make you blush in shame. but that is beside the point. the point is, i do not understand why you believe in something that you know nothing about? would you rather believe a friend or a passer-by? even if the situation looks like it could be plausible, that doesn't mean it is necessarily true! what is wrong with you people?! but nevermind, i can hardly be bothered. sundays are just going to be the only days i socialize, with the people i actually care about that is. as for the weekday masses, i'd interact with those people who actually want to interact with me, and the rest of you can go to a corner and talk amongst yourselves, because i'm sick and tired of hearing all your nonsense!

now that i have got that off my chest again, apparently he isn't as innocent or as obedient i thought him to be. i had thought that with the whole issue with me, he'd listen to her. but he's still out there on the playing field. i wonder whose the girl on his arm now. and obviously, she's still clueless about it. i really wonder, what would happen if she found out. that he's still got a girlfriend. or maybe, just maybe, he can be with any other girl, except me. but whatever the case, i wonder what she'd say if she finds out he's still got another girl on the side. i've got this itching to really ruin his life, should i scratch it or leave it?

i got to head to bed soon. have found some interesting job offers in the newspapers recently. hopefully that they'd still be looking for people when i'm done with the exams! i really need the money, to pay for my uni education or even to pay for other needs of this household. *sigh* pray for me won't you? i need to get some sleep, thanks for reading! take care and i'd blog again soon! all my love.

2006-11-12T15:16:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

i know this is really too fast to be putting up a second post, taking into consideration that i should be focusing on my economics as well as history but if i do not get all this off my chest, i'd never be able to fully study. even now, i'm having doubts about if i can still study even after posting this post. because you see, it really matters not if this post gets passed around. i just need to get this off my chest, and hopefully for some people to actually understand me. sure, i may look like the ice cold hearted ~~bitch~~ to you, but if you have not been through my life story in this church, please refrain from commenting. i refuse to bring up what happened in the past two - three years i've been in this church, because i'm determined to not let the past drag me down. however, because of the rise of sudden situations, i feel that i really need to post about it, even though it may risk me bringing up bad memories of the past. if not for you, it will definitely bad memories for me.

gossip. it's something that i have got use to for the past year or so. seeing as how i'm constantly being exposed to it. be it in school, or in church. even the work place doesn't rule out gossip queens. i wouldn't go to the extent to say that i've never gossiped about a person because who really doesn't love a juciy story? especially looking at the mundane life we lead. i've gossiped about a person before, yes. but i have yet truly to destroy a person. and for those who know about my older blog, i apologized and he accepted but you wouldn't know that now would you? because there is so much more to me than what you see every weekend. as for myself, i wouldn't blame the state i'm in entirely to gossip, after all, we are the ones making the decisions on which paths to take. maybe i've just made a few wrong decisions here and there to land me in this situation, but there is a difference between dealing with the consequences of your actions and dealing with the consequences of others actions. some of the rumors i've heard about myself so far, i don't really care much for them. well, as i've stated before, unless they begin to ruin my life. i must admit, i'm still sore over the rumor that i've dated around church, because if you actually knew me, half the guys i hang out with in church either 1. do not like me in that way, 2. much too young for my liking or 3. i prefer them as "siblings" as opposed to "other halves". well, i'm still slightly sore over that rumor and as of yet, it hasn't been corrected! but i guess i've given up trying to change people's opinion about me, because there is only so much a person can do before someone else comes along and tried to destory all my hard work *pouts* but that is not what's getting me all worked up about.

the main issue here i believe has to do with my mother. i really couldn't care less about what you want to say about me. you can spread as many vicious rumors about me as you want, or you could even tarnish my reputation not that it's exactly polished pretty at the moment but never ever talk bad about my mother. the decisions i made, were made solely by myself duh! and she really had no choice in the matter. so why is there gossip about my mother? i've heard before that people of this church are wary of single mothers. do you seriously think that just because they are single mothers they are so desperately in need of a man? look at their children, they're almost of age. if they as a single parent has been able to raise a child till he/she is almost of age, what makes you think they need a man? i don't know exactly what you are saying, but because of the current situation, there is no in hell that ~~she~~ can just jump to conclusions on her own without any instigation. so what exactly are you trying to do? doesn't the church teach you to love your neighbour? doesn't the church say that we are all brothers and sisters in christ? maybe now, i've got a clearer idea why all the youths and even some adults are leaving the catholic church for other denominations. and this is making me question my being in this church. and please, don't start the lecture on how i've gone through this a thousand times, because now, everything does seem to be pushing me away from this church. what am i still doing in this church? why am i still in this church? and what in the world is keeping me in this church aside from the fact that i still have some people i care about in this place. i really do not understand, why? aren't we suppose to be on the same side? but now, because of this, it has forced me to sit down and think about what i really want to do from now on.

maybe now, it's time to really leave this church and totally forget about it. because i can really see no benefit from keeping in contact with this church, or even visiting this church at all. the friends, i'd definitely want to keep. they're the only people i'd give my life for. maybe it really will be for the best. the money i've donated, the church can keep it. the time we've spent helping the people, they can take it as rememberance. the mornings i dragged myself out of bed to help out in the canteen, the church can put it into photographs and store them. the words exchanged between us and others, the tears, the actions, the church can bury it under her. i really think that it is time to leave.

the sun was just setting over the horizon as the door creaked open, pushed by only a slight force. "hush! someone might hear us," a boy's voice comanded followed by the sound of giggling as the wooden steps creaked under the pressure. the boy took another step before tentatively reaching out to push at the door again. "the door isn't that fragile you know," a girl's voice teased as the boy tugged at her hand to silence her. "the building's so old, who knows when anything is going to just collapse on us," the boy argued back as the door was pushed open so that they both could fit through. "then should we be doing this? what if the roof collapses under us?" the girl teased the boy again as he stepped out into the fresh air, extending his other hand to help her through the door. "we could leave..." "i was kidding," the girl smiled as she stood beside the boy, taking in the fresh air. the sun had almost disappeared behind the resident houses as the boy took in the sight before him. the last light rays of the sun gave the girl a soft glow around her, loose strands of her hair framing her face as she looked towards the resident buildings. "the sunset's beautiful," the girl gushed as she looked up, towards the heavens, the whole sky was a beautiful hue. "yes, absolutely stunning," the boy replied, as he ran his thumb across her hand in a soothing gesture. "stunning...?" the girl turned to look at the boy, a blush covered her cheeks when she noticed him staring at her. "oh e..." the girl relaxed as the boy pressed his lips lightly to hers, his free arm sliding around her to hold her to him. the image evaporated as a girl in black suddenly stood up. the cold wind brushed against her skin as she imagined she felt his arms around her, his voice whispering in her ear. "this is the end," she whispered, her words never reached another's ears as the wind whisked them away. she knelt down, feeling the sandy ground underneath her knees, eyes closed, head bowed. her recently shortened hair covered her face but could not conceal the tears that found their way down her cheeks and onto the hard ground. "you'd be all right baby, even when i'm not with you." she heard his last words in her mind as a sob escaped her. she sat back on her calves, head tilted upwards, eyes still closed. her eyes snapped open as a cold droplet of water landed directly on the tip of her nose. "come on! we'd never get to do this when everyone's around," the girl gushed as she tugged on the boy's hand. "i don't want you to catch a cold," the boy reasoned, sliding an arm around the girl so she wouldn't run out into the rain. "but i really want to do this," the girl pleaded, her lips beginning to form a pout. "all right, but don't run around too much, i don't want anything..." "thank you!" the girl squealed her delight before planting a kiss on the boy's cheek, pulled herself out of his grasp and walked out into the pouring rain. the boy soon followed, seeking out her hand. "i love the rain!" the girl proclaimed, closing her eyes and tilted her face towards the heavens. "and i love you," the boy whispered, standing behind her, one hand on her hip. "of course you do, who else would you love?" the girl teased as she turned to look at the boy. "i'm sure there are hordes of girls just waiting for my attention," the boy playfully retorted, his other hand immediately searched for hers. "well then, i suggest you go take a bath and not keep them waiting!" the girl expressed in a high pitched voice before dissolving into a fit of giggles. "you're the only one for me," the boy whispered, closing the distance between them. "and you're the only one who can make me feel this way." the boy smiled satisfied as he planted a kiss on the tip of her nose. the girl slipped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest while the boy rested his cheek against the top of her head. the couple stood in silence as the rain acknowledged their confessions of love. she couldn't hold back the sobs that shook her body as the rain steadily grew around her. "you said forever." the girl whispered as she hugged herself, goosebumps covering her arms and legs. "what's wrong?" the boy whispered, tightening his arms around the girl. the girl let out a sigh before leaning further into the boy. "baby..." "what he said was true, we can't be together forever." the girl blurted out, she pulled her hands out of his grasp and laid them on top of his hands. "our paths may be pulled apart but i know you'd be just fine," the boy whispered against her hair, loosening his grip on her. "how would you know something like that?" the girl flared up as she turned in his grasp and stared up at him. he ignored her outburst as he leaned forward to place a kiss against her temple. "how can you..." "because i know that you will be fine without me." the boy stated firmly, using his second finger to tilt her face until she was looking into his eyes. "but what if..." "if we contemplated all the 'what if's of our lives, we would never be able to really live." he quipped, raising an eye brow. "so is this all a joke to you?" the girl asked flatly, her eyes suddenly void of emotion. "baby, you know i was only joking. look here, i know that even without me here, you'd be fine because i want you to be." he pleaded. "why?" she choked out, trying to hide her obvious pain. "because i love you, and i'd always want you to be happy whether you're with me or not. do you understand that?" the boy explained, never once breaking eye contact with the girl. she nodded numbly as she leaned forward and welcomed his warm embrace. "it's only because i love you," he whispered again. she heard him whisper before the sound of rain filled her ears, and his warm embrace replaced by the ice cold wind. "cytheria!" a loud voice cut through the sound of the rain as hurried footsteps could be heard coming towards her. "sebastien, what are you doing here?" she looked up, the tear steaks not as obvious as before. "what do you think you're trying to do?" he asked, panic in his voice as he pulled her into a bone crushing hug. "i wasn't going to kill myself," she whispered, closing her eyes, imagining she was in his arms again. "please, i'd do anything." he begged, his tears mingling with the rain water. "let me go cytheria, i want you to be fine because i love you," she heard him whisper into her ear as she saw an image of them behind sebastien. he reached behind him to pry her hands apart and let them fall to her side. his left hand reached up to cup her cheek as he leaned forward and gave her his last kiss before he looked up and directly into her eyes, "i will love you always," he whispered before he turned and walked away, never once looking back. "please take me home. i'm getting cold," she whispered, giving him a slight squeeze. "yes." sebastien said as he scooped her up from the ground and carried her towards the old door. just as they were heading out the door, cytheria looked back and saw an image of them together, hands linked, bright smiles on their faces. she was waving back at herself, while he looked on and smiled, an arm sneaking around her waist to pull her closer to him. just before the door closed fully she saw him pull her image self into a passionate kiss. she slipped her arms around sebastien's neck before laying her head on his chest, a contented smile on her face.

it seems that this is the year to be ending a whole lot of relationships, especially with institutions and buildings. maybe it really is the right thing to do. and since i wrote a story when i left cjc, i don't see why i shouldn't write a story now. all right, i admit. i just wanted to write something to relieve stress. well, now that is out in the open, i really had better be returning to my stuides. i have wasted much precious time! i hope this post didn't put too much of a downer on your weekend. although it is the end of the weekend. but i also do hope you enjoyed the story. some parts happened, some parts is just pure amanda-ness. i really do hope you enjoyed it! and if you didn't, constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated! ok, much time has been wasted with all this farewell and whatnot. do take care of your health, the weather is getting rather frickle! study hard if you have to all 'o' level and 'a' level applicants and not forgetting the students beginning their new year at the polytechnics! and i will be back soon. i love you.

2006-11-11T22:12:00.000+08:00

stand by your side

i cry and you comfort me
im lost and you hear my ~~scream~~
so it's hard to watch you falling
when you run so deep in me
you live in me

gonna stand by your side now
let me kiss all your ~~tears~~ away
you can stay in my arms now
and i know i can make you believe again

i walk but you can run through fire
i search for reasons and baby you inspire
but i know ~~somebody~~ hurt you
and i know you really need a friend
well you can take my hand

gonna stand by your side now
let me kiss all your ~~tears~~ away
you can stay in my arms now
and i know i can make you believe again

so when you're feeling like you ~~can't~~ go on
don't you know
you never walk alone
and you live in me

gonna stand by your side now
let me kiss all your ~~tears~~ away
you can stay in my arms now
and i know i can make you believe again

i'm gonna stand, stand by your side
kiss all your ~~tears~~ away tonight
i'm gonna stand, stand by your side
make you believe again
i wanna look in your eyes now and see you smiling again

that is stay by your side by celine dion from the cd "one heart". ever since i first heard the song, i had wanted to write a short story, not wholely based on the song, but somewhere along the lines. because it was sung by a lady, obviously the girl's going to be the one doing the comforting and all that. but then, when i listened to it the other day, there is always that possibility of the guy being the one who does the comforting. after all, girls are more prone to emotional breakdown than guys are. [no offence to any lovely ladies out there, i'm a lady too!] but thinking about new story always brings me back to my current stories that i had yet to finish or even yet to actually tie up loose ends! well, seeing as how amanda always includes sequels. *grr* so i suppose this story has to be put on hold, just like the current development of joseph and leanne, born out of boredem with exams. and my sudden fascination with dance. but that shall be left for another time, and the writing would probably be done during bored hours at work, or plain boredem at home, although i doubt the latter would ever happen!

so, it has been two weeks into my final year examinations. and my thoughts and feelings so far? i think i'm totally screwed, and yet, the success of some papers just gives me that glimmer of hope. i know i should not expect so much, however, how do you expect me to expect to fail when i know that i might not be able to handle it. sure, i might think or say that i'd take whatever happens with a understanding heart. but still, i cannot promise how much my beaten up pride can take with my own family. talk about understanding nevertheless, i really doubt i'd give up, if the outcome really is that drastic. amanda is a survivor isn't she? anyhow, the next papers are econs and history. i would love for more time before history, but i'm sure i'd be able to cope. i just hope panic doesn't overtake me and my brain doesn't decide to let me down at the last minute. i am going to de-stress for a while before heading to bed. tomorrow is another big day...

but before i go! i must absolutely tell you about the new overcoat my mummy got for me for when we go to hk! it's red, perhaps to the slightly pinkish side but at least i'm a girl, it wouldn't look that bad. but anyway, it's up till my knees and would go absolutely terrific with my boots! and if it doesn't, i'd just have to get a pair of boots at hk to match! *smiles* and the best part of this entire situation? it cost only five dollars! yes, you read that correctly! isn't it amazing! how much you can actually do with your money! so to all those who insist on having branded goods, it's really not about the brand, it's about the look. *wink* but i wouldn't say i'm a fashion expert since my mother does have better colour co-ordination than me but really, a few hundred dollars for a top, skirt, bag, shoe?

good night! take care! thank you for reading, and i'd see you guys after the exams! fight to win!

2006-11-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

why can't i - liz phair

get a load of me, get a load of you
walkin' down the street, and i hardly know you
it's just like we were ~~meant~~ to be

holding hands with you, and we're out at night
got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
and i've got someone waiting too

this is, this is just the beginning
we're already wet and we're gonna go swimming

why can't i breathe whenever i think about ~~you~~
why can't i speak whenever i talk about ~~you~~
it's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
so tell me
why can't i breathe whenever i think about ~~you~~

it's this the best part of breakin' up
finding someone else you can't get enough of
someone who wants to be with you too

it's an itch we know we're gonna scratch

gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
but wouldn't it be beautiful

here we are, we're at the beginning
we haven't fucked yet, be our heads spinning

why can't i breathe whenever i think about ~~you~~
why can't i speak whenever i talk about ~~you~~
it's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
so tell me
why can't i breathe whenever i think about ~~you~~

i'd love for you to make me ~~wonder~~
where it's goin'
i'd love for you to pull me under
somethin's growin'
for this that we can control
baby i'm dyin'

why can't i breathe whenever i think about ~~yous~~
why can't i speak whenever i talk about ~~you~~

why can't i breath whenever i think about ~~you~~
why can't i speak whenever i talk about ~~you~~
it's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
so tell me
why can't i breathe whenever i think about ~~you~~

i highly doubt that has any relation whatsoever to me and ~~him~~. but i've been searching for this song for ages! i can even tell you when, back when i was a j1 and listened to this song every single morning on my discman. especially when i was up and about cleaning the classroom and enjoying some quiet time alone in the morning. anyhow, i was really listening to the words this weekend and i just had to take some time off maths to come blog. well, nothing much to add to the song really but i suppose i just wanted to put it up. and the highlighted or underlined or striked out words? they don't mean much, seriously. it's just something i'd like to point out, funny bits in the song. and i've very sorry if you don't share my humor.

this weekend has been considerable fun. seeing as how maths is coming up tomorrow! but yes, i have found a way to have fun during the weekends to de-stress for a bit! and everything, points to me giving up on you. and you know what, i think i just might. really, i find no point in this somewhat love-less relationship, as well as very much meaningless! well, i think i'd go into this more detailed after my exams. my bed is calling out to me, and i need all the rest i can get. my paper is in the afternoon! can you believe it?! but i suppose it is good in a sense, i don't have to wake up so early! hahas. better get going, keep checking back! i might just add another post to get off the stress of this week and next! hugs all around. all my love!!

2006-11-01T20:38:00.000+08:00

good evening.

this might most probably be my last post before the examinations. i will refrain from coming online, or even coming to my blog during the exam period. i know how much concentration i need. especially now, with all this situations taking place for no reasons. there has been a lot of thinking being done, despite my ardent objections. because i always know that when amanda thinks too much, the world suddenly stops spinning on its axis and travels into a whole different solar system. which if you do not understand, the world is twisted upside down and all her judgements are hindered by her obvious feelings. and i'm very sorry, but i really need to get this all out before it begins to pull me down into that dark abyss of nothingness.

it always seems to revert back to ~~him~~. sometimes i hate myself for even thinking about him but, what am i suppose to do with such an abrubt ending? there were no explanations, no warning, nothing. it just happened one day out of the blue, and the most surprising thing? i met you three days before it happened! i don't understand, why didn't you say anything then? don't give me some shit lame excuse about not wanting to deal with my tears, or my questions. you were breaking up with me for goodness sake! but when i think back on it now, you always took the easier way out. jilian, joycelyn and now me. were there anyone else? any secret lover i didn't know about? but i don't care about them now, not anymore anyway. i got on with my life, buried myself as much as i could in my books, occupied myself with as much as i could and looked at your photo daily, and evantually i got over you. i told myself, that if i ever saw you again, with or without your parents, it wasn't going to matter because i'd just walk by. because you were worth my time, my tears, my love, once. but now, i hardly think you're worthy of anything. perhaps all i really want to give you now is friendship. nothing more, nothing less. even then, i always thought it was a ploy and that you had meant every word that left your lips. but seeing her reaction on sunday, i doubt she was the one who wrote that letter. despite the structure, the language, the spelling, i guess it really was you who wrote that letter. how you're much better off without me with a "better and brighter" future. how it happened was a mistake. how i was not your "dream girl" and you mistook what you felt for love. how you wanted me not stop talking to your friends. and how you couldn't give a damn about what happened to me anymore. i've had people around me, friends who kept telling me to trust in you. to believe in your love. they told me that it didn't sound like you at all, that you would never write such an out of character letter. but how am i suppose to do that when you avoid me like the plague? i guess whatever happened really was just a fairytale and as they say, we live in the real world not a land where fairytales come true. and you were once my angel, but i guess you failed your own promise of protecting me.

well, now that is off my chest, i really do feel much better. although now, i am deciding if i should have my fun with you. after all, i did miss out the chance off annoying the living day lights out of you when we broke up. and besides, it does still look as though you're mother's terrfied of me stealing her precious baby. but does she know what how many girl's you've been through? or the late night calls you sneaked behind her back? does she know her innocent son isn't as innocent as she like to think he is? i could shatter her image of you, and all i need to do is write one short and extremely sweet letter. but i suppose seeing as how we were once together, maybe i'd let you off with a lighter sentence. i've always been said to have a soft spot for my past relations. i guess they weren't wrong either. anyhow, this would obviously have to come after my exams. i need to concentrate now, and this whole revenge thing? it's going to be great, and trust me, i'd enjoy every minute of it.

before i continue further, there is someone special that has to be mentioned. i know we haven't been on the best term as of lately. and i suppose you should know the reason to that. i refuse to take full responsibility. but nevertheless, today is your special day and who am i to spoil that? i'm not exactly that special person anymore am i? happy 21st birthday elvin wee. i hope you had a good day, desite being in camp. and although i doubt you'd ever find this blog, i wish you and her the best a relationship has to offer. although i do hope you'd at least try and wear the pants in the relationship but i suppose, since every guy i know whose in a relationship doesn't wear the pants, i can't blame you for trying to not shock me from my current state of mind. on a much brighter note, i decided not to get your something this year. i figured i really shouldn't try and play the third party role since i haven't got the time. but always know, you'd always have a part of my heart. always. and no, we don't need to be in a love-love relationship for me to give that part of my heart to you. i just need you to get that into your thick head before i give you that piece of my heart.

also, to another special someone. i know this may sound vague and all, but i don't really want to put your name here. i highly doubt you'd appreciate it. but i suppose once i start apologizing, you'd realize who you are. well, that is if you read this lowly blog of mine =X and always know, no matter what, i'd always love you (: yes, so on with what i wanted you to know. i am sorry for last weekend, as well as during the week. maybe it's the exam that is getting me on edge, or maybe it's all because of the sudden apperance of someone in particular. but nevertheless, that is still no excuse for my behaviour. i really do hope you like what i did for you, and if you don't like it. don't tell me, trust me. it's just, sometimes i hope you'd be there for me, just like you always say you will but when i needed you the most, you aren't there. and then with this shit happening with him, it just pushes me off the edge. and it's not like you don't know how easily riled up i am. i guess maybe sometimes i expect too much, but you always say you're going to be there for me and i'm a person who holds other people to their promises. i just hope you can forgive me, and that maybe we'd go back to how we were before he decided to drop back in. i miss bullying you *pouts* well, until your computer is fixed, i doubt you'd read this but i do hope you'd forgive me. i'd message you again next month, on the 6th. i love you, i hope you know that.

now that all those three things are off my chest, i can start worrying about tomorrow's exam! hahas. general paper, i am determined to concentrate and do my best as well as to never give up! i really should start preparing for bed as well as packing my school bag! wells, wish me luck and i'd see you reader in two weeks! take care and god bless. all my love!

2006-10-29T13:14:00.000+08:00

good afternoon.

i had thought, hopefully, that the day i walked out of that intermediatory room i wouldn't have to ever see your face again. i might have sounded bad then, with my leaving comment on how you really never did try your best. but thinking back now, i think i should have said less, because you deserve nothing from me, not even my words. since then, i've forgotten about you. even the nightmares have slowly but surely disappeared. but now, you've had another negative impact on my life. when will be the day when i can be totally free of you?

i was anxiously waiting, for my future school fees to be settled, at least a huge percentage if not fully. but now, because of you, i'm left with nothing. two thousand dollars. so where exactly can i go with that amount of cash? we still have to pay for this house, the car and the people who call us family. all of which, we need in one way or another family really means nothing in this case, because what help do we get, especially if we deny the questions. would even working for the first 8 months before the uni admission help? perhaps. but my pay would include cpf. that would at least take a few dollars [cpf is 5% right?] off my pay. but i've already thought of another way out, if working for the 8 months doesn't help, i'd just continue working. and hopefully get into university the next year, if that is still possible. *sigh* from every angle, it looks bleak. or maybe i just haven't found the angle which puts this situation in a good light. but whatever a case, this is giving me a very bad migrane. and so i've decided to not dwell on it anymore. maybe, just maybe, something good will happen again.

other than that fact, today has been pretty much miserable. i'm continuing my studying again, and i have just realized that my papers are rather evenly spaced. and mathematics papers are the first few papers i'm taking. history being the last two papers. that way, i'd still have some revision time, which means during the exam period, strictly no internet whatsoever. i've got to remember to inform the bulletin group, in case they think i died somewhere and no one found the body =X wells, that was somewhat a relief, at least that way, i wouldn't have to worry so much. this exam fever is beginning to take a toll on me. aside from my exam, there is that recurring issue of church and friends. i have a short exerpt that i wrote the other day when i was bored, which i will post on later in the day or another time, i'm too tired to even bother now. but about today. i just don't understand why people even bother! you ignore me when everyone else is around, you look through me when everyone is around, you walk past me when everyone is around but when i'm alone, and you're alone, you send a greeting my way. what do you expect me to do? jump for joy that you've finally realized that i'm here? i thought that it was going to be ok, i mean, we really didn't use to talk much either. just a greeting here and there, or sometimes longer conversations to catch up with each other. but now, the only thing i can look forward to is an occasional greeting. and trust me, i don't think i even want that anymore. maybe i haven't heard your side of the story, but is there really that much to tell? you obviously treasure your budding relationship more than friendship. i know, i shouldn't expect everyone to be put friendship over their own love relationship, but really? i guess there is no blame in this situation, there is only a broken friendship and a blooming love. nevertheless, it hurts. but amanda's been hurt so many times, i should be immune to the pain shouldn't i? this closes the discussion on this topic, until i decide to post my other thoughts on friendship and friends, but until then, i guess amanda just has to make more friends to cover up the gaping hole you left in my heart.

i stood in the rain today, and now, i know why people love the rain. i know it might be an annoyance when you're dressed your best and the rain just ruins your clothing. but the rain can really be a soothing friend when you're almost at your lowest. it was somewhat magical today, standing in the rain, feeling the cold droplets of water hit your skin, refreshing your senses. the thought of getting sick did cross my mind, but i guess at a time like then, it really didn't matter as much as finding a moment of peace. it felt good, having the rain come down on me. the cold droplets refreshing my senses and sending shivers throughtout my body. it felt like i was soaking in a tub of ice cold water, the sensations that washed over my body were amazing. but the best thing about the rain is not the way it refreshes you, or the way it wraps you in your own little paradise. the best thing about the rain is that it hides your tears, it hides your fears, it hides your pain. when you close your eyes and listen really closely, you can hear the rain whispering, the comforting hush of the rain. the wind closing around you like a pair of arms pulling you into its embrace. you could scream, you could shout, you could cry, and the rain would never tell anyone. but it'll comfort you, it'll protect you if only for a brief moment. the rain can give you peace, but only if you let it.

aside from the rain, the rest of my day has been pretty much destroyed. but i'm going to start on economics soon, hopefully that would cheer me up somewhat. i still can't believe i'm deriving happiness from studying. i guess you really can get happiness from almost anything. well, i still don't want to talk about ~~him~~. i wouldn't say i hate ~~him~~, but i am really not in the mood to even ponder on ~~his~~ actions or what they might mean. although i would really love the see the reaction of ~~his~~ parents if i continuously walk straight into ~~him~~ or if i actually waved when they left. but no, amanda has got to restrain herself. hahas! thanks for reading about my horribly miserable day. i guess since no one ever listens to me, this is my only other outlet. really, i appreciate you taking the time to read it. take care, study hard [if you're taking the 'O's or the 'A's, it's only a few more weeks to go!], play hard [if you've just finished school, end year exams but still a few more years to go before you're done, jia you! only a few more years!] and may god bless you always. all my love!

2006-10-13T23:56:00.000+08:00

good evening.

today, the thirteenth of october twenty six, a friday, represents my last day as a student in catholic junior college. i made it, and yes, i am still alive. i thought i would have never made it through a year, much less two years. but here i am, not yet with excellent results, but my heart still beating in the right place. i was planning on writing a short story, just to commemorate this day as well as to possibly encompass my reflection of my past two years in catholic junior college. maybe after the story, i'd talk about my day. we did do a whole lot of stuff today. as for father khoo's birthday, maybe i'd re post it another day. it really is a lot to write =X

the sun was just peeking over the horizon as a girl dressed in pale blue coloured blouse and skirt stepped out of a bus, the cool breeze brushing the stray bits of hair from her face. she pull her bag higher onto her shoulder, relishing in the lack of weight it usually provided as she stepped through the blue gates. the smell of fresh paint filled her senses while she leisurely strolled down the pathway and up the steps to the main foyer of the building. she once again hoisted the bag higher onto her shoulder, out of habit rather than necessity, as she surveyed the place. it had slight changes since she saw it the morning she first arrived. she remembered walking up the steps, towards the cool air of the office while the sun still slept and only a trickle of people occupying the grounds. she smiled at the memory as she took the familiar route up the main staircase. sudden sounds of loud chattering and squeals of delight filled her ears, hordes of people dressed in a variety of colours seem to surround her. she recognized some faces and remembered the delight as she pushed her way through the crowd, hoping to find an old friend from school. she finally found a warm and friendly face in the crowd just as the image faded into nothingness. "it almost feels like yesterday i had first set foot in this place," she whispered, smiling at the memory. she walked across the landing, her footsteps echoing in the stillness of the morning, the loud squeaking of the door breaking the silence of the hall. the hall filled up with music as rows of people appeared, laughing and dancing, all clothe in the same bright blue shirt. the image changed quickly to the loud banging of drumbs and strumming of an electric giutiar, people jumping around, singing along and cheering. rows of blue replaced the people as the stage was cleared, only to be replaced by various people that she vaguely remembered. finally, the images faded, leaving her alone in the silence of the hall. her eyes glazed over the stage, the words that framed the stage and plagues that lined the walls. she turned and left the room, the closing of the door sending a soft echo throughout the hall. she looked towards the other side of the landing, remembering the times she spent at those tables, the times she spent waiting for teachers in the air conditioned midway. she let the memories relive themselves as she walked the familiar path to the assembly yard. the cold wind brushed against her face as she strode past the discipline office and a few classrooms to end at the court yard. the bell rang twice as the court yard was covered in a sea of blue, spots of colour dotting the sea. she rememebered the times she stood, be it waiting for assembly to begin or for instructions to be given out. the times she saw the warm faces of close friends, hear their concern and greeted them with love. the times she dreaded to even stand still, if only out of due respect. another smile crossed her face as the memory faded away, to be replaced by the lights which lined the walls and the soft glow of the moon, not yet chased away by the morning sun. she strolled in the morning breeze, and taking one step at a time made her way to the fifth floor of the building. the wind continued to brush her hair away from her face as she briefly closed her eyes and enjoyed the slight pressure on her face caused by the cold wind. she sat on the old bench outside a class, the old wood creaked loudly as she leaned back and laid her head against the wall. she turned her head to the side as she saw an image of herself walking down the corridor, her bag slung across her chest, with a few other girls, all carrying their bags. it faded, only to be replaced by a boy, carrying a paper bag in his arms. then another boy, leaning against the rail, smiling over his shoulder at her. she smiled at the fond memories, before her smile faltered. a younger version of herself appeared on one of the benches, hunched past her knees, sobbing silently while another girl sat beside her, a soothing hand on her shoulder. she stared at the image before she closed her eyes and willed the memories away, opening her eyes only to see a cloud of birds flying from the furthest tree. she let out a sigh as she stood up, pulling her bag higher onto her shoulder as she took the steps down to the third level. she walked along the corridor, taking in the scenary she used to take for granted. the trees, the flowers, the pond, the small hut houses, spots of blue standing outside classrooms taking a break from studying. she walked past the ladies and gents, remembering how she used to weave through the people who stood there, catching up during lessons. she walked past the neatly arranged classrooms, looking into the empty rooms out of habit as she took in a deep breath of fresh air. she stopped outside the second class room and moved to lean against the wall, before looking in. the countless number of times she had wanted to lean against the wall and shout a greeting into the room, yet out of fear of ignorance, walked right past the class without even a glance in. the room lights came on as a boy, sitting at the far corner of the room, turned and smiled warmly at her. she'd never forget that smile, not in a million years. the faces of her friends kept popping up around the room. she took a step back as the images faded away, the sounds of chattering and laughter echoing in her ears. she walked past the third classroom, vaguely remembering looking in on lessons and play time. finally she stopped outside the fourth, but not last class in the row. she saw an image of herself, sitting on the bench, head leaned against the wall, her eyes closed in sweet slumber. the bench began to fill up with images of her classmates, morning greetings being passed around, lame jokes to perk up the dweary morning. she smiled to herself as a memory of a boy, climbing out of the window and the final cheers of the class as two feet were firmly planted on the ground. she saw teachers walk through the door, she saw friends walk through the door, she saw a variety of people who walked through that door and into her life. she smiled at the many images of people that popped up in her mind as she made her way to the last class. she remembered sitting in a group of three, one supported a guitar, another was doing vocals while the last was absorbed in a book. the memory changed to lessons, where occasional giggles were heard as jokes and the latest news were whispered amongst themselves. the images flew by too quickly for her to concentrate on just one as she walked to the end of the building, and took the steps down to the grand stand. the cold wind blew harshly against her face, her loose strands of hair whipped about'her face. she moved two hands to hold down her skirt, out of fear of her skirt flying up suddenly. she hurriedly pulled the bag off her shoulder and placed it on the floor before her hands resumed their position at her skirt. she folded her skit in her lap before she sat down, leaning against the steps and enjoyed the wind. she closed her eyes as laughter floated to her ears. a group of seven were sitting in a make shift circle, talking and laughing as the sun shone brightly in the sky. she saw herself, sitting amongst the people, talking and laughing happily. "those were the days," the words slipped from her lips just as the school bell rang. she took in another deep breath before she stood up and slinged her back onto her shoulder, still keeping at least one hand on her skirt. she followed the trickle of people towards the assembly yard, drinking in the sight and sounds of the early morning. "this is it, the journey has almost ended."

there you have it, my short story about my journey in catholic junior college. well, it really doesn't touch on my classmates per say, i had wanted to do another story where it's a total memory, and where certain things jog my memory of them. but i figured, that would be a future story, and i'm not yet ready to write some of the stuff down. nothing bad mind you, just maybe, i don't know my classmates as well as i think, even with all the silent observing i do during class, breaks and out of school hours. no, i don't stalk them, i do go out sometimes you know! anyhow, i decided to do this one then. there are some snip bits of my first three months in cjc, those wonderful memories as well as a few here and there bits. maybe it's too cut short, i wasn't exactly sure how i had wanted it to be and seeing how i took a rather long time to finish and how i am constantly multi tasking, the main crux of my story has probably been lost in space. nevertheless, i hope you like it! wells, on grad day itself, the class went out for lunch which was semi successful [as some would quote it]. it was fun, seriously. despite the fact that i was being rushed to get my ass down to bugis, thank goodnes i got myself out of that one. we also went to visit ms koh. she seems to be doing much better *smiles* and it's a baby girl...! hahas. baby girls are the best! well, not that much biasness since i am a girl, but yeah. hahas! baby girls are the best! after seeing her and giving her the present, we parted ways and i went to meet mummy. we bought some catholic stuff, and a little something for aunty alice. then returned home to small vile, charmed, and ghost whisperers. and finally at 11pm, we decided to go down to town to meet aunty alice and pass her the things. i saw my other grand aunt helen. as well as my uncle norman and aunty sandra. we usually don't see them, and we're not really close. that could be due to the 'social divide' and other factors that are still undergoing investigation. hahas! ok, i'm beginning to ramble, i better go.

thank you for reading! i really hope you liked the short 'story'? i think it's too short to be even considered a story, but i really didn't want to drag it too much. father khoo's birthday is coming up soon, as soon as i find the time to sit down and blog about it all over again =X sometimes blogging can be quite troublsome! hahas. take care, god bless and all my love!

2006-10-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

good evening. before i continue, a happy birthday to my dearest mummy as well as to my didi, benji. another year older, hopefully another year wiser =X

you know how people say that you shouldn't let words hurt you? i thought that after twelve years of verbal abuse, i'd be used to it by now. apparently, i thought wrong. it really does not help being the oldest, and yet the youngest ~~by rank~~. how many people in today's society bothers about that anymore? but that is beside my point. my point is that, what is the point of being the oldest grandchild, when you've got another cousin whose only 6 months younger than you and yet, considered to be 'older' than you just because her mother was born before yours? out of respect, i take the underlining scarsam. the comments. the jokes. but has it not crossed your mind to give it up, now that i am considered a young adult. sure, my mother might not be as ~~fucking~~ successful as yours or earn as much money a month. but at least, we're trying to support my grandmother, their mother. who are the ones who takes the brunt of it all when she's angry? when she just needs someone to take it out on? but that is just the tip of the iceberg. i don't care if she continues to scream at me for no ~~fucking~~ reason. i don't care if she picks on everything i do to be constantly wrong, no matter how much i change to accomodate her. i don't ~~fucking~~ care. but you know i cannot stand and what is wearing my patience thin? the way she continuously compares me to you. but that really isn't so bad, as you can say i've got used to it. who wouldn't, especially after at least more than five years? but the fact that your mother still is insistant on doing it, comparing me to you, without a valid reason. sure, i understand that she wants to convince everyone that your choice to go to poly was a good one, and that it is the way to go now, as compared to junior college. i understand the misconceptions that people have about other people who are not in the main stream education. i've got friends in the same position as you, and i defend them as i defend you. but of course, you're never there when i do it. what other valid reason does she have? she doesn't want you to lose out to me, who has the prestigious title of the first grandchild? do you even consider that a valid reason? because if you want the title, i would have been more than willing to relinquish my role when we were mere children. because then, i would have never known the pain of a leather belt, or chili in your eyes, or the humilitation of taking the balme for another's desire. if you want those, you can take them, because i'm still suffering from the scars. what other reasons then, does she have that are valid for the way she scoffs. or the implying tones that she uses? because let me tell you, it fucking hurts. i'm doing almost everything in my power to remain civil, but don't let that fool you. because i'm afraid of the day when i'm old enough and rich enough to cut all ties with this family. i'd pay my duty to my grandparents, but other than that, i'd take my mother and leave. sure, it might hurt when i leave because i suppose i am still a family kind of girl. but i would rather bear that hurt, than to continuously bleed with no assistance given to me and no justification of my wounds. at least the wounds i inflict upon myself, are the fault of my own. but the wounds that this family inflicts upon me, i have not been given any justification whatsoever.

finally, that is off my chest. i suppose that the saying, time heals all wounds, isn't exactly true. especially in my case. maybe it's because i still think i love them, that's why the wounds wouldn't heal. not how do you explain the wounds that my father had left, are healed and aren't bleeding anymore? i may honour him, because my religion entitles me to. but i know i don't have love or respect for him. can you really, have respect for a man who left his only child and wife to fend for themselves as he earns a wage of thousand six a month? and can you really, love a person who can still give you nightmares where he can hit you any second, and for no reason or slam you against an object and feel no pain? i'm sorry if you think i'm a heartless bitch, but to me, my father died when i was only 8. this year is coming to an end soon. last year ended on a bad foot, and i cannot say it hasn't got a bit better, or worse. but hopefully this year, it'll end on a much better foot and next year, would be one that i'd happily live out. even a cold hearted bitch needs her good days don't you think?

i still cannot believe that benji's present is not ready! but with my kind of will power, it will be completed before tomorrow's dinner. i'm just putting the finishing touches. my plan of going shopping today has been...smashed. but i suppose there is always tomorrow morning. i will get it before the dinner. i learnt that i'd be seeing the three girls tomorrow at dinner and i'm positively beaming. it's been a year since i last saw them, and the last time i didn't even have much time to hang around them or to see how they were. and to think! they even remembered my birthday. i definitely would have to thank them for the presents. only children seem to be able to make me smile, sincerely. wells, i had better go and get the letter finished and printed out. and just in case you're wondering, his letter has spawned to ten pages. i don't think i'd expand it further, it might be too much =X anyhow, i better go. thank you for reading, i think today's rant has helped me to get it all out. and hopefully, the smiles would be ready the next time i'm needed to encounter such situations. i'm not in need of luck, only lots of patience and tolerance. please. while i'm praying for that, you take care. enjoy the last few weeks of school before the major exams begin and those who aren't taking their major exams, enjoy your time before it's your turn! and if you're working, enjoy work but if you find you're not learning anything now, get a side job. your job should always be fun, that is what i believe. and you should always be learning some thing form your job, otherwise, it's time for you to get another job. oh and before you go, listen to the song "lips of an angel" by Hinder. it's somewhat of a love song, talking about the love between a guy and a girl who are already attached. and how, they never did get over each other. it may be from the wrong perspective, but it's sweet to have that kind of love. take care, god bless and i love you.