good afternoon.


i had thought, hopefully, that the day i walked out of that intermediatory room i wouldn't have to ever see your face again. i might have sounded bad then, with my leaving comment on how you really never did try your best. but thinking back now, i think i should have said less, because you deserve nothing from me, not even my words. since then, i've forgotten about you. even the nightmares have slowly but surely disappeared. but now, you've had another negative impact on my life. when will be the day when i can be totally free of you?

i was anxiously waiting, for my future school fees to be settled, at least a huge percentage if not fully. but now, because of you, i'm left with nothing. two thousand dollars. so where exactly can i go with that amount of cash? we still have to pay for this house, the car and the people who call us family. all of which, we need in one way or another family really means nothing in this case, because what help do we get, especially if we deny the questions. would even working for the first 8 months before the uni admission help? perhaps. but my pay would include cpf. that would at least take a few dollars [cpf is 5% right?] off my pay. but i've already thought of another way out, if working for the 8 months doesn't help, i'd just continue working. and hopefully get into university the next year, if that is still possible. *sigh* from every angle, it looks bleak. or maybe i just haven't found the angle which puts this situation in a good light. but whatever a case, this is giving me a very bad migrane. and so i've decided to not dwell on it anymore. maybe, just maybe, something good will happen again.


other than that fact, today has been pretty much miserable. i'm continuing my studying again, and i have just realized that my papers are rather evenly spaced. and mathematics papers are the first few papers i'm taking. history being the last two papers. that way, i'd still have some revision time, which means during the exam period, strictly no internet whatsoever. i've got to remember to inform the bulletin group, in case they think i died somewhere and no one found the body =X wells, that was somewhat a relief, at least that way, i wouldn't have to worry so much. this exam fever is beginning to take a toll on me. aside from my exam, there is that recurring issue of church and friends. i have a short exerpt that i wrote the other day when i was bored, which i will post on later in the day or another time, i'm too tired to even bother now. but about today. i just don't understand why people even bother! you ignore me when everyone else is around, you look through me when everyone is around, you walk past me when everyone is around but when i'm alone, and you're alone, you send a greeting my way. what do you expect me to do? jump for joy that you've finally realized that i'm here? i thought that it was going to be ok, i mean, we really didn't use to talk much either. just a greeting here and there, or sometimes longer conversations to catch up with each other. but now, the only thing i can look forward to is an occasional greeting. and trust me, i don't think i even want that anymore. maybe i haven't heard your side of the story, but is there really that much to tell? you obviously treasure your budding relationship more than friendship. i know, i shouldn't expect everyone to be put friendship over their own love relationship, but really? i guess there is no blame in this situation, there is only a broken friendship and a blooming love. nevertheless, it hurts. but amanda's been hurt so many times, i should be immune to the pain shouldn't i? this closes the discussion on this topic, until i decide to post my other thoughts on friendship and friends, but until then, i guess amanda just has to make more friends to cover up the gaping hole you left in my heart.


i stood in the rain today, and now, i know why people love the rain. i know it might be an annoyance when you're dressed your best and the rain just ruins your clothing. but the rain can really be a soothing friend when you're almost at your lowest. it was somewhat magical today, standing in the rain, feeling the cold droplets of water hit your skin, refreshing your senses. the thought of getting sick did cross my mind, but i guess at a time like then, it really didn't matter as much as finding a moment of peace. it felt good, having the rain come down on me. the cold droplets refreshing my senses and sending shivers throughtout my body. it felt like i was soaking in a tub of ice cold water, the sensations that washed over my body were amazing. but the best thing about the rain is not the way it refreshes you, or the way it wraps you in your own little paradise. the best thing about the rain is that it hides your tears, it hides your fears, it hides your pain. when you close your eyes and listen really closely, you can hear the rain whispering, the comforting hush of the rain. the wind closing around you like a pair of arms pulling you into its embrace. you could scream, you could shout, you could cry, and the rain would never tell anyone. but it'll comfort you, it'll protect you if only for a brief moment. the rain can give you peace, but only if you let it.


aside from the rain, the rest of my day has been pretty much destroyed. but i'm going to start on economics soon, hopefully that would cheer me up somewhat. i still can't believe i'm deriving happiness from studying. i guess you really can get happiness from almost anything. well, i still don't want to talk about him. i wouldn't say i hate him, but i am really not in the mood to even ponder on his actions or what they might mean. although i would really love the see the reaction of his parents if i continuously walk straight into him or if i actually waved when they left. but no, amanda has got to restrain herself. hahas! thanks for reading about my horribly miserable day. i guess since no one ever listens to me, this is my only other outlet. really, i appreciate you taking the time to read it. take care, study hard [if you're taking the 'O's or the 'A's, it's only a few more weeks to go!], play hard [if you've just finished school, end year exams but still a few more years to go before you're done, jia you! only a few more years!] and may god bless you always. all my love!

<3 you always

good evening.


today, the thirteenth of october twenty six, a friday, represents my last day as a student in catholic junior college. i made it, and yes, i am still alive. i thought i would have never made it through a year, much less two years. but here i am, not yet with excellent results, but my heart still beating in the right place. i was planning on writing a short story, just to commemorate this day as well as to possibly encompass my reflection of my past two years in catholic junior college. maybe after the story, i'd talk about my day. we did do a whole lot of stuff today. as for father khoo's birthday, maybe i'd re post it another day. it really is a lot to write =X



the sun was just peeking over the horizon as a girl dressed in pale blue coloured blouse and skirt stepped out of a bus, the cool breeze brushing the stray bits of hair from her face. she pull her bag higher onto her shoulder, relishing in the lack of weight it usually provided as she stepped through the blue gates. the smell of fresh paint filled her senses while she leisurely strolled down the pathway and up the steps to the main foyer of the building. she once again hoisted the bag higher onto her shoulder, out of habit rather than necessity, as she surveyed the place. it had slight changes since she saw it the morning she first arrived. she remembered walking up the steps, towards the cool air of the office while the sun still slept and only a trickle of people occupying the grounds. she smiled at the memory as she took the familiar route up the main staircase. sudden sounds of loud chattering and squeals of delight filled her ears, hordes of people dressed in a variety of colours seem to surround her. she recognized some faces and remembered the delight as she pushed her way through the crowd, hoping to find an old friend from school. she finally found a warm and friendly face in the crowd just as the image faded into nothingness. "it almost feels like yesterday i had first set foot in this place," she whispered, smiling at the memory. she walked across the landing, her footsteps echoing in the stillness of the morning, the loud squeaking of the door breaking the silence of the hall. the hall filled up with music as rows of people appeared, laughing and dancing, all clothe in the same bright blue shirt. the image changed quickly to the loud banging of drumbs and strumming of an electric giutiar, people jumping around, singing along and cheering. rows of blue replaced the people as the stage was cleared, only to be replaced by various people that she vaguely remembered. finally, the images faded, leaving her alone in the silence of the hall. her eyes glazed over the stage, the words that framed the stage and plagues that lined the walls. she turned and left the room, the closing of the door sending a soft echo throughout the hall. she looked towards the other side of the landing, remembering the times she spent at those tables, the times she spent waiting for teachers in the air conditioned midway. she let the memories relive themselves as she walked the familiar path to the assembly yard. the cold wind brushed against her face as she strode past the discipline office and a few classrooms to end at the court yard. the bell rang twice as the court yard was covered in a sea of blue, spots of colour dotting the sea. she rememebered the times she stood, be it waiting for assembly to begin or for instructions to be given out. the times she saw the warm faces of close friends, hear their concern and greeted them with love. the times she dreaded to even stand still, if only out of due respect. another smile crossed her face as the memory faded away, to be replaced by the lights which lined the walls and the soft glow of the moon, not yet chased away by the morning sun. she strolled in the morning breeze, and taking one step at a time made her way to the fifth floor of the building. the wind continued to brush her hair away from her face as she briefly closed her eyes and enjoyed the slight pressure on her face caused by the cold wind. she sat on the old bench outside a class, the old wood creaked loudly as she leaned back and laid her head against the wall. she turned her head to the side as she saw an image of herself walking down the corridor, her bag slung across her chest, with a few other girls, all carrying their bags. it faded, only to be replaced by a boy, carrying a paper bag in his arms. then another boy, leaning against the rail, smiling over his shoulder at her. she smiled at the fond memories, before her smile faltered. a younger version of herself appeared on one of the benches, hunched past her knees, sobbing silently while another girl sat beside her, a soothing hand on her shoulder. she stared at the image before she closed her eyes and willed the memories away, opening her eyes only to see a cloud of birds flying from the furthest tree. she let out a sigh as she stood up, pulling her bag higher onto her shoulder as she took the steps down to the third level. she walked along the corridor, taking in the scenary she used to take for granted. the trees, the flowers, the pond, the small hut houses, spots of blue standing outside classrooms taking a break from studying. she walked past the ladies and gents, remembering how she used to weave through the people who stood there, catching up during lessons. she walked past the neatly arranged classrooms, looking into the empty rooms out of habit as she took in a deep breath of fresh air. she stopped outside the second class room and moved to lean against the wall, before looking in. the countless number of times she had wanted to lean against the wall and shout a greeting into the room, yet out of fear of ignorance, walked right past the class without even a glance in. the room lights came on as a boy, sitting at the far corner of the room, turned and smiled warmly at her. she'd never forget that smile, not in a million years. the faces of her friends kept popping up around the room. she took a step back as the images faded away, the sounds of chattering and laughter echoing in her ears. she walked past the third classroom, vaguely remembering looking in on lessons and play time. finally she stopped outside the fourth, but not last class in the row. she saw an image of herself, sitting on the bench, head leaned against the wall, her eyes closed in sweet slumber. the bench began to fill up with images of her classmates, morning greetings being passed around, lame jokes to perk up the dweary morning. she smiled to herself as a memory of a boy, climbing out of the window and the final cheers of the class as two feet were firmly planted on the ground. she saw teachers walk through the door, she saw friends walk through the door, she saw a variety of people who walked through that door and into her life. she smiled at the many images of people that popped up in her mind as she made her way to the last class. she remembered sitting in a group of three, one supported a guitar, another was doing vocals while the last was absorbed in a book. the memory changed to lessons, where occasional giggles were heard as jokes and the latest news were whispered amongst themselves. the images flew by too quickly for her to concentrate on just one as she walked to the end of the building, and took the steps down to the grand stand. the cold wind blew harshly against her face, her loose strands of hair whipped about'her face. she moved two hands to hold down her skirt, out of fear of her skirt flying up suddenly. she hurriedly pulled the bag off her shoulder and placed it on the floor before her hands resumed their position at her skirt. she folded her skit in her lap before she sat down, leaning against the steps and enjoyed the wind. she closed her eyes as laughter floated to her ears. a group of seven were sitting in a make shift circle, talking and laughing as the sun shone brightly in the sky. she saw herself, sitting amongst the people, talking and laughing happily. "those were the days," the words slipped from her lips just as the school bell rang. she took in another deep breath before she stood up and slinged her back onto her shoulder, still keeping at least one hand on her skirt. she followed the trickle of people towards the assembly yard, drinking in the sight and sounds of the early morning. "this is it, the journey has almost ended."



there you have it, my short story about my journey in catholic junior college. well, it really doesn't touch on my classmates per say, i had wanted to do another story where it's a total memory, and where certain things jog my memory of them. but i figured, that would be a future story, and i'm not yet ready to write some of the stuff down. nothing bad mind you, just maybe, i don't know my classmates as well as i think, even with all the silent observing i do during class, breaks and out of school hours. no, i don't stalk them, i do go out sometimes you know! anyhow, i decided to do this one then. there are some snip bits of my first three months in cjc, those wonderful memories as well as a few here and there bits. maybe it's too cut short, i wasn't exactly sure how i had wanted it to be and seeing how i took a rather long time to finish and how i am constantly multi tasking, the main crux of my story has probably been lost in space. nevertheless, i hope you like it! wells, on grad day itself, the class went out for lunch which was semi successful [as some would quote it]. it was fun, seriously. despite the fact that i was being rushed to get my ass down to bugis, thank goodnes i got myself out of that one. we also went to visit ms koh. she seems to be doing much better *smiles* and it's a baby girl...! hahas. baby girls are the best! well, not that much biasness since i am a girl, but yeah. hahas! baby girls are the best! after seeing her and giving her the present, we parted ways and i went to meet mummy. we bought some catholic stuff, and a little something for aunty alice. then returned home to small vile, charmed, and ghost whisperers. and finally at 11pm, we decided to go down to town to meet aunty alice and pass her the things. i saw my other grand aunt helen. as well as my uncle norman and aunty sandra. we usually don't see them, and we're not really close. that could be due to the 'social divide' and other factors that are still undergoing investigation. hahas! ok, i'm beginning to ramble, i better go.


thank you for reading! i really hope you liked the short 'story'? i think it's too short to be even considered a story, but i really didn't want to drag it too much. father khoo's birthday is coming up soon, as soon as i find the time to sit down and blog about it all over again =X sometimes blogging can be quite troublsome! hahas. take care, god bless and all my love!

<3 you always

good evening. before i continue, a happy birthday to my dearest mummy as well as to my didi, benji. another year older, hopefully another year wiser =X


you know how people say that you shouldn't let words hurt you? i thought that after twelve years of verbal abuse, i'd be used to it by now. apparently, i thought wrong. it really does not help being the oldest, and yet the youngest by rank. how many people in today's society bothers about that anymore? but that is beside my point. my point is that, what is the point of being the oldest grandchild, when you've got another cousin whose only 6 months younger than you and yet, considered to be 'older' than you just because her mother was born before yours? out of respect, i take the underlining scarsam. the comments. the jokes. but has it not crossed your mind to give it up, now that i am considered a young adult. sure, my mother might not be as fucking successful as yours or earn as much money a month. but at least, we're trying to support my grandmother, their mother. who are the ones who takes the brunt of it all when she's angry? when she just needs someone to take it out on? but that is just the tip of the iceberg. i don't care if she continues to scream at me for no fucking reason. i don't care if she picks on everything i do to be constantly wrong, no matter how much i change to accomodate her. i don't fucking care. but you know i cannot stand and what is wearing my patience thin? the way she continuously compares me to you. but that really isn't so bad, as you can say i've got used to it. who wouldn't, especially after at least more than five years? but the fact that your mother still is insistant on doing it, comparing me to you, without a valid reason. sure, i understand that she wants to convince everyone that your choice to go to poly was a good one, and that it is the way to go now, as compared to junior college. i understand the misconceptions that people have about other people who are not in the main stream education. i've got friends in the same position as you, and i defend them as i defend you. but of course, you're never there when i do it. what other valid reason does she have? she doesn't want you to lose out to me, who has the prestigious title of the first grandchild? do you even consider that a valid reason? because if you want the title, i would have been more than willing to relinquish my role when we were mere children. because then, i would have never known the pain of a leather belt, or chili in your eyes, or the humilitation of taking the balme for another's desire. if you want those, you can take them, because i'm still suffering from the scars. what other reasons then, does she have that are valid for the way she scoffs. or the implying tones that she uses? because let me tell you, it fucking hurts. i'm doing almost everything in my power to remain civil, but don't let that fool you. because i'm afraid of the day when i'm old enough and rich enough to cut all ties with this family. i'd pay my duty to my grandparents, but other than that, i'd take my mother and leave. sure, it might hurt when i leave because i suppose i am still a family kind of girl. but i would rather bear that hurt, than to continuously bleed with no assistance given to me and no justification of my wounds. at least the wounds i inflict upon myself, are the fault of my own. but the wounds that this family inflicts upon me, i have not been given any justification whatsoever.


finally, that is off my chest. i suppose that the saying, time heals all wounds, isn't exactly true. especially in my case. maybe it's because i still think i love them, that's why the wounds wouldn't heal. not how do you explain the wounds that my father had left, are healed and aren't bleeding anymore? i may honour him, because my religion entitles me to. but i know i don't have love or respect for him. can you really, have respect for a man who left his only child and wife to fend for themselves as he earns a wage of thousand six a month? and can you really, love a person who can still give you nightmares where he can hit you any second, and for no reason or slam you against an object and feel no pain? i'm sorry if you think i'm a heartless bitch, but to me, my father died when i was only 8. this year is coming to an end soon. last year ended on a bad foot, and i cannot say it hasn't got a bit better, or worse. but hopefully this year, it'll end on a much better foot and next year, would be one that i'd happily live out. even a cold hearted bitch needs her good days don't you think?


i still cannot believe that benji's present is not ready! but with my kind of will power, it will be completed before tomorrow's dinner. i'm just putting the finishing touches. my plan of going shopping today has been...smashed. but i suppose there is always tomorrow morning. i will get it before the dinner. i learnt that i'd be seeing the three girls tomorrow at dinner and i'm positively beaming. it's been a year since i last saw them, and the last time i didn't even have much time to hang around them or to see how they were. and to think! they even remembered my birthday. i definitely would have to thank them for the presents. only children seem to be able to make me smile, sincerely. wells, i had better go and get the letter finished and printed out. and just in case you're wondering, his letter has spawned to ten pages. i don't think i'd expand it further, it might be too much =X anyhow, i better go. thank you for reading, i think today's rant has helped me to get it all out. and hopefully, the smiles would be ready the next time i'm needed to encounter such situations. i'm not in need of luck, only lots of patience and tolerance. please. while i'm praying for that, you take care. enjoy the last few weeks of school before the major exams begin and those who aren't taking their major exams, enjoy your time before it's your turn! and if you're working, enjoy work but if you find you're not learning anything now, get a side job. your job should always be fun, that is what i believe. and you should always be learning some thing form your job, otherwise, it's time for you to get another job. oh and before you go, listen to the song "lips of an angel" by Hinder. it's somewhat of a love song, talking about the love between a guy and a girl who are already attached. and how, they never did get over each other. it may be from the wrong perspective, but it's sweet to have that kind of love. take care, god bless and i love you.

<3 you always

good afternoon!


it has been only a few days and my mood has declined drastically. it almost feels like the declining of the soviet union, it only requires one more event to really break me down. i am making history jokes, this is pathetic! wells, much has happened. although i try, it's hard to when you're constantly being reminded of what is going on around you. and the time i have to myself to reflect, has really brought much insight to my current situation. and all these thoughts about how i arrived at this spot here, right now. the decisions i made, the decisions forced upon me, the friends i made, the people i neglected, everything just seems to be a 'what if' right now. and trust me, it is very much horrible. considering the fact that 'what if' questions are more often than not just dreaming and dreaming can be bad for a person. especially when dreams provide a much sweeter tale than the reality of life, and we would rather be locked in the world of dreams than face the harsh reality of life. it's sad, really. and i don't want to end up like that, no. i would much rather make something out of myself in this reality than spend my time dreaming and ending up with nothing.


when i was in primary school, i never really thought about where i wanted to go. maybe to secondary school, and than to junior college, but i had definitely wanted to go to university. blame the television shows that potray university life as one which is really exciting. but i personally think it will be, you have a wider area and scope to cover and you have more free reign especially in the topics you're learning. but let's not divert from my main point. but after i went to secondary school, my grades started to drop because i really couldn't careless about my studies. that was until secondary 2, when mrs tan, woke us our of our slumber. and then i knew what i wanted. and i was willing to work for it. on to junior college, followed by university. at the big 'o's, i did it. i got into the junior college i had wanted for so long. but one year into school, and everything changed. i still loved the school yes. i still had plently of good things to say about the school. but if you asked me for my experience in the school, i would most be only talking for two minutes. after all, there are some people who require recognition. i had always thought it was going to be much better in junior college, everyone was older and supposedly more mature. and boy was i in for a huge shock. but when school first started, i had thought that i had found a group of good friends. but, apparently i was wrong. another thing that has changed is that i've somewhat changed my pattern in school, i suppose. i know last time, i was always dying to bump into some people. just to see them, or just to say hi. but now, i avoid them like the plage. if you're wondering if it's you, ask yourself, do you see me around anymore? if the answer is no, than you're most probably one of the persons i'm avoiding. friendships seem to shatter so easily when you've neglected it for too long. but some of them, they just die out, no matter how much time or effort you put into keeping that relationship alive. but now, there is another matter. and i would greatly appreciate it if you could help me make a decision on this one. graduation night. i want to go, and yet, i have this sinking feeling that when i go, i'm just going to be stuck there all night with nothing much to do aside from look at my phone and fake my smile the entire night. and yet, there are some people i would love to see at graduation night. and so i'm stuck in this dilemma. should i go or should i not go? the cons to going also include the price of the dress, i want to get a vintage dress, that's why!, the price for the graduation night. i would most probably ask aunty veron to help with my make up. and the accessories, i think i've got enough for something to match the dress. and pros of going is that i'd be able to get that vintage dress for a valid reason, i'd get to see some of my school mates for hopefully not the last time but how often do you see them all dressed up in formal gowns? i really don't know what i am going to do about it. i have already paid the deposit...and it is not refundable. i was resigned to going, the day they said that we had to hand in the deposit. but these last few days in school, it has just served to open my eyes and make me question if i really still want to go. i do not want to talk about my class, because i'm not yet suicidal and i don't want to be. not yet anyway. what shall i do? *sigh*


i wrote a short story in class today. i did it during break, because i really didn't feel like doing maths. although i did, for the last half an hour or so. but yes, it is a 500word short story. i was intending to make it one scene out of a whole story. but i have yet to finish my other stories online, so maybe i'd just keep it on hold first =X and here it is. enjoy!

joseph leaned casually against the doorframe, the cool air brushing against his skin. leanne was practicing her steps, wholely absorbed in her image in the mirror. the swan princess theme song was playing softly in the background, the soothing music washing over joseph in waves as he felt his anger fade into nothingness, slipping out of his grasp like a pice of silk cloth. leanne closed her eyes as she twirlled, keeping her eyes open always left her giddy. when the tape tripped, leanne stopped mid twirl, losing her balance. her hands instinctively moved back to break her fall but she never met the cold floor as two arms wrapped themselves around her and pulled her against a warm chest.
"benjamin?" leanne quesioned as she felt the arms holding her tense up.
"it's me," joseph answered gruffly, clenching his jaw at the thought of benjamin holding her so intimately. leanna closed her eyes and leaned into his warmth, surrendering herself to his will.
"how was your day?" joseph whispered into her hair, closing his eyes briefly to enjoy the moment before resuming his watch on the partially open door.
"i have been practising for the opening night, will you be there?" leanna looked up, her arms circling around his waist.
"yes, i wouldn't miss it for the world." joseph smiled down at leanna. she unsuspectingly tip toed and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.
"leanne!" joseph chided, "don't do that." leanna looked taken back as she shrinked slightly away from him.
"i'm sorry baby girl, i'm still on an edge after our last encounter," joseph ran his hands lovingly along her arms, pulling her closer to him.
"do you still love m?" leanne whispered, closing her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder.
"of course i still do baby girl," joseph whispered against her hair.
"say you love me," leanne whispered desperately, struggling against her internal doubts.
"i love you leanne hillstrung, it will always be you," joseph reassured her, using his hand to tilt her head to look at him. leanna managed a smile as joseph cast a glance at the door before lowering his head to kiss her. unlike their usual desperate kisses. the kiss was slow as both parties delighted in the familar feel of one another's lips. leanne closed her eyes and revelled in the rare feel of joseph's arms around her while he took his time to kiss her. joseph relaxed under leanne's touch but still kept a ear open for any approaching footsteps. leanne felt the familar burn building up in the pit of her stomach as she reached between them to un button joseph's buttons.
"no leanne," joseph broke the kiss and whispered against her lips, his hands coming between them to stop her hands.
"i won't let him be my frist," leanne whispered, clear pain in her voice.
"i will never let him touch you," joseph pulled leanne into his embrace, burying his face in her hair. the lovers settled into a comfortable silence.

i hope you had enjoyed that! i might expand on it when i am officially finished with will you stay? and the bomb as well as untitled. but do review! constructive critism is very much appreciate *smiles*


i feel slightly better now. writing really does lift my spirits. wells, it is benjamin's birthday in three days. as well as my mummy's birthday. i really have to go and complete his present =X i will blog another day. and the next topic will most probably be on love. i had started writing in my phone the other day when a thought hit me. and i might also be including some poems that i used to write. they aren't exactly top class, but i guess they are rather meaningful. but if they really aren't, don't blame me! i was only what, secondary school? hahas! anyhow, take care. keep on smiling. always remember that there are no strangers in the world, only friends we have not met. so always smile, you never know when you're going to save someone's life. god bless! love you.

<3 you always

good evening! but before i carry on, HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY. everyone of us has a child in him or her.


yes, i do know how to count and today is not very far off from my first post or from my second post. perhaps a difference of at least twelve hours? hahas! so, yesterday was a relatively fun day! which i will go more in dept later on. i really feel like i'm practicing for my 'a' level general paper. hahas! today, sunday, was another interesting day! well, it did dip really low during the afternoon where for about twenty minutes, murder did cross my mind. and you know, amanda only thinks about murder when she is really, really mad. but tonight, my mood has been picked up. some of you might know why, some of you might not. i'm not obliged to put it here, but if you're dying and i mean dying to find you, i might tell you. but only if you ask! so i shall get on with my story telling, because yesterday's experience has made me really want to do something. and not make plans, but put those plans into action!


i woke up at approximately 8.40am. the first thing i saw, was my darling phone and my darling's picture. and then, i saw the time. after which, i promptly fell back into bed. *grinz* was then woken up by my mummy who was charging into the room, and i think she dropped her bag on me while trying to throw it across to her bed. so much for good aiming. unless of course, she was aiming for me. she went to take her bath, i took my time in the bath. and we left slightly off target. but we were not that late, despite the rain because...lynn was later than us! *evil laughter* so the four of us, aunty veron, lynn, mummy and me were packed into the van and drove to a place near the home to have lunch. lynn had lor mee, aunty veron had egg and ham which looked rather interesting. wonder if the school canteen sells it...hmmm., mummy had duck rice and i obviously pinched some duck. it was tempting me! and yours truly had chicken chop! i had orginally wanted ba chor mee but we didn't know the stall was at the other hawker centre and thus i settled for chicken chop. there were three hawker centres in the vicinity! after a good lunch, we headed to the old folks home. at first, it was slightly alienating because the people [volunteers] were not as friendly as i had previously thought but once we got into the groove of things which started during dinner where we had to help feed some of the old people it was awesome! well, it started with pushing the old people into the main area, and apparently, they know where they sit. [because of the language barrier, we had to rely on hand signals and partial chinese or our mothers for a better interpreation of what was being exchanged] although the most interesting thing about that part was that the old people knew where they sat! and they too, had cliques! hahas. it was like, if you pushed an old lady to a empty spot, but it's not her place, the people around there will start saying 'no! no!' and point else where for you to push her to. hahas! we even saw this 'clique' that consisted of a 'da jie' and all the others sitting around her. even one of the aunties, sit with her leg on the chair! me and lynn were like 'woah! seventies ah lian!' hahas! after that and before the entertainment, we gave out mooncakes and rasins for the old folks. the mooncakes were specially ordered and they were bitesize! and there were like four boxes filled! hahas. me and lynn were so tempted to take! but obviously we didn't, we're such kind hearted people! hahas! =X mummy then started to help them open the mooncakes and rasisn boxes and it was rather hard to see who wanted to open what because when you offered to help them open, they would snatch their food and stare at you. but there were sone successful cases for me! i helped this aunty open her rasin box *smiles* and she kept saying thank you! hehes. anyhow, the volunteers had called some guy from mediacorp [although frankly, neither me nor lynn had ever seen him before! but you never know who is in mediacorp] and he was entertaining the old folks with singing songs, followed by prizes. and boy can they sing! some of their voices were shrill, but some of them could really belt out the song! there were some old favorites such as the kong fu song [i don't know the name, sorry!] but there was also this english song which was really nice. it's called the tennesse waltz. there was even this one guy who sang a tamil song! there was also a special prize, a bell, which this guy got because he really wanted it! and after he got it, he was so happy and kepting playing with the bell. it really makes you see how such a simple thing could make them happy, simplicity at its best. after the entertainment, it was dinner time! we were all standing around, namely mummy, lynn and me because we weren't sure how to go about it. and then! aunty veronica pulled us and assigned us to feed the aunties. the first auntie that i had to feed, she had porriage because i guess she didn't have much of her teeth left. but she eats really fast! and the way she looks up at you, it's like she has all the trust in you that you're gonna feed her. maybe that's why i really want children, to know someone trusts you completely. but she ate really fast and was really happy! hahas. i think she was happy that she ate faster than everyone else *smiles* after she was done, i saw this aunty sitting along. she was tied to her wheel chair, maybe because she likes to move around alot. but no one was feeding her and she kept looking around. so i decided to feed her! luckily i took a chair because she had more food and my thighs would have died if i had to bend slightly just to feed her everytime! wells, it was really a nice experience to feed her. at first, it was awkward especially when she took quite a long time to chew and i was like 'hmm. smile amanda, don't look impatient!' but i started to give her small bites and the process was much smoother! and i also noticed that she very much preferred to eat only food, with minimal rice. you can literally compare the amount of time she takes to chew her food and how willing she is to open her mouth for me to put the food in! hahas! surprsingly, i was rather absored that i didn't notice everyone pushing the rest of the residents down to the canteen area for more activities. but aunty veron did come to get me and then we all went down. it started off with giving everyone a lantern, and those who did not get a lantern, they got light bracelets! it was really fun breaking the bracelets so the things lit up! it's been so long since i last did that and boy did it bring back memories of campfires in ij! after which, some of the filipino workers did a dance for the old folks. and then, the balloon guy came! he blue really cool designs for all the old folks, the others got their balloons after the entire event. i didn't get one because i figured it was past his time and he was on his way somewhere, so i was nice! but i was also more interested in trying the mooncake. but i only had one tiny piece! [ask lynn, she can vouch for me! hahas] the balloon man also blew up a huge balloon which the olk folks could push around and play with it. and it was a.w.e.s.o.m.e! you should see the way their faces light up! sure it was hilarious when the balloon hit some on the head, or those who had a shocked look after the balloon just bob-ed them in the face. but really, you could tell them were having the best time yet! there were a few people who sat at awkward places, but still had the best time. there was this one guy, who was sitting beside a pillar and he kept hitting the balloon away from him, only to have it bounce on the pillar and back into his face! it was really hilarious! but i think all in all, everyone had fun. after around half an hour of the balloon, they started giving out mooncakes and cups of warm milo. the food really smelt really delicious! and all i had the entire day was lunch...! but i wasn't that hungry and it was fun to be helping out. a waitress, an entertainer, a helper all in one. what a perfect job! anyway, after giving out of the food, we had a bit more entertainment. me and lynn had fun standing around and looking at the old folks. i had fun singing along to the songs! hahas. when it was time for everyone to go back, mummy, lynn and me pushed the old folks outside and around the 'park'. it was really sweet the way they held out the lanterns and looked up at the sky with wonder. after everyone was back in their beds [hopefully], mummy, aunty veron, lynn and i went for dinner at a hawker centre near their [lynn + aunty veron] place. lynn had carrot cake, aunty veron and mummy had seafood soup and i had rojak [everyone shared] and crispy pancake! after that, we sent them home and we were on our way to see aunty alice!


today's experience at the old folk's place was really an eye opener. i mean, i have gone with cj and ij to old folks home where we help them clean the place. talk to them for a bit. but we've never really interacted with them or spend the entire day with them. and the feeding part, maybe that kind of responsibility has never been placed on me before. especially when we go to old folks home. and after the event, when aunty veron asked me what was the worst thing for these old people. it was remembering those people who forget them. and i think, that really is very painful. i mean, you remember those people who have made a great impact. and yet, they do not really remember you or come back to visit you. i think really, aside from ignoring a person, that can be the second most painful action you can inflict on another person. and i've seriously been thinking, maybe i should go to the cancer society for children, or follow aunty veron to the old folks home every month. i really wouldn't mind making it a weekly affair because really, what is the point of life when you're not using it to help enrich someone else's life? so yes, but first, i have to do the research! that shall be done, and hopefully soon. especially in all hectic schedule! all the homework, studying, sleeping. hahas!


today! saw jessica *smiles* she always looks the same. with her sun glasses and headphones. typical =X hahas! mass was all right, although i did have to see *ahem*someone*ahem* on the altar. like really, couldn't you just stay away? anyways, what can i say, it was like every other sunday. i smile at all the adults, selected youths and everyone else pretends i'm a ghost. but i'm quite cool with that now, because if i do kill someone, no one would know it's me! hahas! joking. i can't stand the sight of blood. and neither can i stand the sight of a dead person. i might as well as the person to go kill themselves in private. hahas! wells, there is nothing much else to add. after church, went for lunch. again, i don't want to talk about it! amanda has her moods so leave her alone! or are you dumb and deaf? well now, it is getting late. i had better go and sleep.


so, the homework is done. there is school tomorrow. and i seriously need to sleep. *yawn* wells, good night to you my dear reader. thank you for trudging through all that. i appreciate that you are interested in my life, and if you leave your link, i'd try and learn more about you too! [one note: unnamed: leave your link! tell you ten million times! never listen! pull your ear then you know! hahas.] wells, i think i might wait for mummy tonight. i hardly get to see her nowadays. i miss her *pouts* sleep early reader! unless you are below 13, and you're still considered a child, enjoy your holiday tomorrow! i really better get going. sweet dreams. i love you.

<3 you always