be careful, you might lose something important

"be not afraid of life. believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." william james

"be not afraid of greatness. some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them." william shakesphere

"appreciation can make a day, even change a life. your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary." margaret cousins

"those who can laugh without a cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad." norm papernick

wishes are a dream your heart makes

straight 'a's for my 'a' level.
cd player cum radio.
a set of close and really good friends.
flat screen monitor.
creative zen.
memory cards for my digi cam.
charms for my charm bracelet.
head phones.
more books for my reading pleasure.
playboy print wallet.
jars of clay cd.
corset top with lace and strings.
that special somone to brighten up my day.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

loving you at 5:46 PM

good afternoon.

my 100th post for this blog, and it is truly an unfortunate day. not taking into account what happened during the weekend, but that's for later. much later. first, my oh so unfortunate day. firstly, my hair wouldn't dry. it didn't use to be a problem, until it started to soak through my shirt and annoy the living day lights out of me. i wrapped my hair in my towl followed by drying with said towel. i did that for almost three times until i gave up and changed because i was on the verge of being late. not ten steps from my door, my shoe strap burst. i suppose it can be considered fortunate that i had yet to step into the lift or had already made my way down. but nevertheless, the action alone of having to go back into the house and change my shoes annoyed me to no end. and then, there was the bus. as usual. are the bus uncles ever trained to drive properly? like not suddenly jam break. i know there are seats which are suppose to be used, there are some people who are unfortunate enough to be left standing still. i don't know how but i broke out in sweat. -.-" walking to the mrt was a trouble - less journey. and i only discovered that the mrt was not as cold as i had remembered. only until the last few stations did the cool wind begin to cool my body. and then, the journey to work. i still have yet to mention how annoying it is to walk in a pair of shoes that are slightly bigger. the day after that simmered down to being normal. by normal i mean trying to do two tasks at once, both of apparently similar importance. and then, there is the usual annoyance at work. *sigh* can you believe it? i'm too tired and really cannot be bothered anymore to blog about today. because i only keep thinking about saturday. *sigh*

work ends in approximately 5 minutes. i've got to do the bulletin tonight so maybe i'd blog tomorrow. i love you, i think this broken heart is still capable of love.

<3 you always

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

loving you at 12:44 PM

good afternoon!

the office is almost deserted as everyone is heading down to lunch. i've decided to stay in the office again, and this time i'm going to blog! seeing as how i didn't bring my book today because it was raining in the morning and i didn't want to be carrying too many things. you know how clumsy amanda is. so, i've decided to blog. hahas. it's been quite a while since i last blogged and seeing as how my days are occupied with so many other activities, i seem to have lost touch with writing. yes, amanda hasn't written anything in about a week. i'm dying to get my next one shot up, but it's like, i've only got some parts planned out. it's hard to make a sad love story when the guy is entirely devoted to one girl. but i guess i do like my guy characters to be like that. well, unless they are destined to be evil and spoil everyone's day. hahas. but i'll try. another song that's tickled my fancy is 'only heaven knows' by rick price. i'm really sorry if that song reflects some people i know in my life, but it was because of you guys that my thoughts run wild sometimes. but i promise, no names and no obvious similarities! *smiles*

aside from my lack of wiriting, the second other thing i've been doing the most is game. scions of fate. i've neglected maple, but i'm planning to return to that game. when my new computer gets set up and everything. hahas. but in the mean time, at least i've got someone helping me train! i think. hahas! but it really doesn't matter. has any of the games mattered to amanda before? nope so it's not going to start now. games are just for fellowship. after all, when everyone lives so far from one another. it's the only way we get to talk to each other and have fun at the same time! in times like these, you've got to do everything in half the time. but gaming as been fun and i'm going to start playing for someone else again. hahas. but it's quite fun playing another character without the hassle of training till it's a decent level for you to have fun. i must admit that its slightly difficult to restrain myself from any 'girly' comments. after all, the character is of a guy. hahas. but other than that, it's quite fun! and also trying not to get his character killed. hahas. that's another one. so that is about it for my gaming life.

i'm anxiously waiting for my new computer to arrive. and not so anxiously waiting to kiss my next cheque good bye after only one day. hahas. we can only call them on the 26th of march to arrange a time to send the computer. if mummy is unable to be home during the weekday, i think i'll just stay home one saturday or wake up really early so they can come and fix my computer! hahas. i really cannot wait. so far, i've got mainly six things i need to install in my computer.

mp3 player

scions of fate

maple

camera

webcam

microphone

i think that should be about it. and i hope that the microsoft word is the same as the old version. because if not, i'm going to need serious help in doing the bulletin! *cries for help* but i'm sure god has a way. hahas. if god doesn't have a way, i'm sure uncle willy would be able to help. don't be fooled by his age, he is actually quite computer savvy. hahas. maybe it's the experience, or maybe it's just the courses he attended. hahas! whatever it is, at least there's someone there to help me! *smiles*

putting my excitement for my arriving computer aside, it's back to earth and back to church. mummy's saying that i shouldn't quit the magazine committee, even when i'm dying to just get away from anyone that i might feel like strangling when in close proximity. aunty roslind says that i should still be the secretary. and that uncle john foo is willing to teach me. and i guess, when everything's settled and everyone's had their say, i know deep down that i really do want to do this. and no matter what happens or how i feel; i'm determined to make this work. i just hope i can get out of it alive. hahas. but the next meeting is next month i think. hahas. better put it into my calender before i get booked for another appointment. so now that i've said my peace, pray for me! hahas.

hmm, what else can i tell you about my oh so interesting life. hahas. my love life is still stagnant and it's not moving up and neither is it moving down. but that's good isn't it? hahas. i still don't know if it's good. cause i don't know how much more my heart can take. it's already being held together by scotchtape. hahas. but i can say i'm only happiest when i'm with him. and the memories do keep the smile on my face during the day, and though the worst times a girl can experience in a day. and for that alone, i'm grateful. looking on the bright side, i still talk to him. so it's much better than being ignored or even not talking to him at all! oh and i must add, this 'look on the bright side' campaign of mine is really turning out to be effective. i can't say i haven't got extremely angry or annoyed, but at least it helps me to put a smile on my face still. just when my defenses are low and i'm really down, that's when it doesn't work at all. hahas. and also the fact that almost everyone i know is happy in a relationship doesn't help at all. just makes me want to tell him and get it over with. hahas. but i'm determined not to rush this. look at what happened the last time i dived head in into a relationship? i almost died. hahas. so yes, i'm going to take it slow and steady. and i guess, if it's even meant to be, it'll happen. if it's not meant to be, there'll never be the awkwardness of his knowledge of my heart. i've got it all thought out. i just hope my heart doesn't decide to be reckless like how it's known to be. hahas. but whatever it is, amanda will keep on smiling. so if you're going through the same thing, keep smiling. because i am.

finally, my application for university. i have submitted my application forms. i don't know if other than the three major universities if i should go anywhere else. i wouldn't mind doing accounting, because that was my original plan. but i'm just very un-sure about everything right now. i'm just going to wait for the results of my application, and then we'll see how. the brighter side of this all is that if all else fails, i might still have my job waiting for me. and who knows, amanda might just learn how to be a event manager/project manager. but pray for me won't you? because i don't think i can survive in the same house as her if i don't get into a university. i really don't.

everyone's beginning to return to the office so i think i should be getting back to work. *smiles* the office is actually relative quiet today. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying i like it alot. hahas. well, if anything else that comes up in my life that is even close to exciting, i'll blog again. hahas. take care. thanks for coming to my blog to read about my life! hahas. do tag if you have the time, my tag board is extremely dusty *chokes on the dust* so see you around soon! ILOVEYOU

some days it feels like you love me too.

some days my broken heart gets crushed under your foot.

some days i long to tell you the truth.

some days i'd die before admitting my feelings.

the only constant is my love for you.

<3 you always

Sunday, March 18, 2007

loving you at 8:07 PM

good evening.

it has been 6 days since my last entry. since then and now, i've been pretty busy. monday - wednesday was spent anxiously waiting for thursday to come. thursday was sentsoa with the girls. friday was back to work. and my supposedly busy saturday was spent at home and in church. today, has been relatively dull. how interesting can staying at home with nothing to do but game and write be? so yes, i shall just skip to thursday's outing!

i never knew you could know so much about a person in one day. and without a doubt, it was extremely fun! hahas. we got lost in the morning due to a slight breakdown in communications. but in the end, we managed to find each other and take the right bus down to harbourfront. our original plan of walking into sentosa was squished since we were all kind of lazy and dying to get to the beach. so we took the bus in, bought a ticket and took the first bus to the beach. once everything was set out, everyone headed for the water! *grin* after a while, lazy old me decided to sit with our valuables and tan rather than play with the girls. after a while, everyone joined me and we deicded to sun tan for a while before going back into the water again. and because of my ever loveable mp3, me and steffie fell asleep =P hahas. after that, we had ice cream. and then slacked around for a bit before mummy came! during that time before lunch, me and colleen were huddled under her umbrella talking. and boy was it fun! hahas. it was really nice talking to her, especially after having not talked to her in ages! hahas. lunch was filling and then the fun began again! after that, mummy decided to put the things closer to the sea so she could come have fun too! and we were in the water for at least another hour or so! not to mention we had free entertainment all thanks to a few couples. hahas. but really, get a room! hahas. when the beach suddenly got infested, we deicded to go and bathe and then explore the new island. after bathing whereby i took the longest. can't blame me can you? i do have the longest hair! hehes. we drove to soilso beach and then took the monrail. we took loads of photos on the monrail as well as while we were walking. hahas. we stopped at the second station on our way back and explored the new built up area. and we took loads of photos! you can head to friendster to check it out! *smiles* and suddenly it started to rain so we decided to take the bus back to our car. we then went to vivo city for dinner. and then after dinner, it was home! i must admit that despite the extremely hot sun and my currently peeling face and hurting shoulders, i had the most fun ever since last year! and that's saying a lot. hahas. i hope we go out again, sooN! and the chalet that i was talking about, yes, i'm hoping to the heavens that it'll take place. so keep your decembers free! hahas.

well, what else is there to blog about? had dinner with ben and vince and charlene on saturday. and i must say we should do it again. hahas. my shoulders are still hurting and i'm wondering if i should just skip work tomorrow. i don't know how i'm going to survive the constant pain. but i foresee amanda going to work still. hahas. *sigh* if you haven't noticed already, i'm not exactly the happiest girl in the world at this moment. anyhow, i better go since i'm brooding. nights. take care. i love you.

<3 you always

Monday, March 12, 2007

loving you at 9:17 AM

good morning!

five hours of sleep later and i'm sitting at the receptionist desk, sleepy eyed and aching body. sustained five new bruises this morning during the bus ride to work. not to mention, my feet are still aching. hahas. cindy is taking an mc today, so it'll be me trying to keep myself awake today. hahas. and no, it doesn't matter if all my friends are on their school holidays, does anyone really talk to amanda willingly? anyhow, work should start really soon, so i'd just quickly get this done before i get caught.

yesterday was an extremely weird day. well, in the morning i did sleep at 4am just playing scions of fate. it is really addictive and highly exciting. hahas. anyway, after that went to bed. woke up the next morning to go down to suntec and there, i got my new desktop! it was a tough choice between acer and hp, but i finally decided on hp. the computers do look nicer. hehes. after that, we headed towards the creative booth which was extremely near the hp booths. at first i was extremely undecided. but in the end we got an mp3 player. but look on the bright side, with my extra hours last week, i should be able to pay for it on my own. actually, not that it is an option but, hahas. it's always nice to pay for things you want to buy not out of necessity. i'll most probably be paying for my computer as well, with the return from my savings plan. and trust me, it is actually quite a nice feeling to be paying for your own things. i know, it may suck to not have any money in hand, but it is a definite high to be buying things for yourself, and for the people around you. maybe that's why i can never be rich. hahas. that's a theroy isn't it?

lunch was extremely filling. and then we had desert before going to buy something from guardian. after that, we stop by perlini's silver [i think i might have got the name wrong] and i got six new charms! hehes. i sure did spend a whole lot yesterday, but it's all right. a girl's entitled to making herself happy at times right? *smiles* and than it was headed home. i fell asleep along the way, and woke up to have ice cream again. hahas. the nice uncle was downstairs our place, so why not? hahas. shared some ice cream with my darling and then it was off to work on my mp3 as well as clear my room.

it is surprisingly a good feeling to be throwing out my school things, notes, books. i mght be passing some on to ethel and zac, if they'd like them. but the rest, it's going into the bin. if i'm not wrong, they're already in the bin. hahas. but now my silver table is half empty! i'm hoping to clear my table for my new desktop so it wouldn't be as messy. and my lap top would be going back into the bag soon. and kept under my table, so the area beside my bed is kept for my bags. well, hopefully only one bag which i use to school or to work. it's really weird how the first things i'd do on my computer are install all the programs i'd need as well as download my games! hehes.

all right, i should get going while my mood is still this high. hahas. thanks for stopping by! take care. god bless. ILOVEYOU!

how do i stop myself from falling, when you make it so easy to love you? only time will tell if you are meant for me.

<3 you always

Sunday, March 11, 2007

loving you at 11:11 PM

as you can tell, i'm suddenly really into quizes. hahas! i should be going off, but i'm going to keep someone company. i'm sure you're smart enough to tell me who. take care, thanks for stopping by! ILOVEYOU!

<3 you always

loving you at 11:10 PM

You Are a Lace Bra!

Dreamy, romantic, and ultra-feminine
You're a womanly woman who makes guys feel like men
Your perfect guy is strong, determined, and handsome
With a softer side that only you can draw out

What Kind of Bra Are You?

<3 you always

loving you at 11:05 PM

You Are 44% Paranoid Schizophrenic

It's likely that you're perfectly fine, though you have your crazy moments.
You tend to be a bit paranoid, but no one's out to get you but yourself.

Are You A Paranoid Schizophrenic?

<3 you always

loving you at 11:03 PM

You Are 66% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're very addicted to love.
But you're not really getting the deep love you seek.
Short lived, dramatic relationships are more your style.
Let go of needing someone, and you may find someone you actually want.

Are You Addicted to Love?

<3 you always

loving you at 11:01 PM

You Are Somewhat Mature

You definitely act like an adult sometimes, but a big part of you is still a kid at heart.
While your immature side is definitely fun, you're going to have to grow up sooner or later.

Are You Immature?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:56 PM

Your Passion is Orange

Your sex life is driven by your wild fantasies.
For you, sex is a dramatic performance where you are the star.
And you love putting on a wild act for your lover, trying to top last night's show.
Whether you enjoy the actual sex is irrelevant... it's all about putting on a good act!

What Color Is Your Passion?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:55 PM

You Are More Yin

Feminine
Devoted
Forgiving
Fall
Winter
Afternoon
Moon
Time
Passive
Metal
Honey

Are You More Yin or Yang?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:55 PM

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears

"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.
I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."

You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:51 PM

You Are 24% Spoiled

You're barely spoiled. You may have some nice things, but you never let them go to your head.
You appreciate each gift you're given - and you don't dwell on what you "deserve" to have.

Are You Spoiled?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:50 PM

Your Kissing Purity Score: 74% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing

Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

<3 you always

loving you at 10:48 PM

You Are 36% Shy

You are slightly shy, but overall, your reactions to social situations are normal.
You dread difficult social situations, but you still handle them with grace.

How Shy Are You?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:47 PM

You Are 70% Psychic

You are pretty psychic.
While you aren't Miss Cleo, you've got a little ESP going on.
And although you're sometimes off on your predictions...
You're more often right than wrong
So go with your instincts - you know more than you think

Are You Psychic?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:42 PM

You Are 66% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High

You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room.
You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:42 PM

You Follow Your Heart

You're romantic, sentimental, and emotional.
You tend to fall in (and out of) love very quickly.
Some may call you fickle, but you can't help where your emotions take you.
You've definitely broken a few hearts, but you're not a heartbreaker by nature.
Your intentions are always good, even if they change with the wind

Do You Follow Your Head or Your Heart?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:39 PM

You Are Destined to Rule the World

You have the makings of a very evil dictator...
Which is both kind of cool and kind of scary!
Will you rule the world? Maybe. Maybe not.
But at least you know that you could.

Are You Destined For World Domination?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:34 PM

You Should Rule Mercury

Close to sun, Mercury has very long days - and is rarely visible to the rest of the solar system.

You are perfect to rule Mercury, because you live for the present - and can truly enjoy a day that goes on forever.
Like Mercury, you are quick and elusive. Your wit is outstanding, and you can win any verbal sparring match.

Some people see you as superficial, but in truth, you just play many roles and have many interests.
A great manipulator, you usually get what you want from people. And they're happy to give it to you.

What Planet Should You Rule?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:32 PM

You Are 68% Pure

Well, you're not exactly an angel - but you're pretty darn close.
But chances are, you have a couple juicy secrets deep in your closet.

How Pure Are You?

<3 you always

loving you at 10:30 PM

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:
Your propensity for monogamy is medium.In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.
Experience Level:
Your experience level is high.You've loved, lost, and loved again.You have had a wide range of love experiences.And when the real thing comes along, you know it!
Dominance:
Your dominance is medium.You tend to be the one with more power.You aren't a total control freak in relationships..But of course you don't mind getting you way!
Cynicism:
Your cynicism is low.You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.
Independence:
Your independence is low.This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

http://www.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/">The Five Variable Love Test

<3 you always

loving you at 10:26 PM

Your Androgynous Name Is:

Lynn Tate

What's" Your Androgynous Name?

<3 you always

Thursday, March 08, 2007

loving you at 8:17 PM

this is the worst fucking week of my goddamn life. maybe not the entire week, per se, but the last few days have just been pure, plain nonsense. anyway, i'm not going to be mentioning names, mainly because it's much easier to vent my frustrations this way. and if you happen to come across this blog, and happen to recognize the situation and recognize yourself, too bad, i don't give a fucking shit.

maybe it's the fact that i've been raised in ij, where we always appreciate what others have done, despite the wrongs that might have happened during the time of the event. apparently, to some people, all it matters is just to point out everything that was done wrong. now can you tell me what's wrong with that? i mean, it's not like all of us are slacking and lazing around on the job. everyone is put under more stress than you, have slept less hours than you, have done more goddamn work than you. so why the fuck are you making so much unnecessary noise? it doesn't matter if my attire was not situable. maybe it's my fault that i underestimated how much i can actually pull my skirt down. but did you have to make a goddamn fuss about every other thing that did go wrong? because frankly, i didn't think it was any of our fault. but let's start from the beginning shan't we?

maybe it was wrong for them to have eaten from the guest table. but did you forget the fact that we arrived at 6.30am in the morning? did you forget that between 6.30am and then, we were all doing work and had no time for breakfast? sure, some people like myself am able to forgo breakfast but there are some people who are geninuely hungry. so what the fuck was your problem? because seriously, all you could have done was pointed it out in a much nicer way; apparently you lost all your manners as you grew older.

lunch time. if you saw me eating; and even if you were talking about me at the de-briefing, let me tell you something. fuck off. i only had a chocolate bun in the morning because i rushed out of the house just to get to the event place on time. and it had already been seven hours since i last ate or drank anything. i was almost about to faint from hunger when i saw the food and so i just ate. unless you'd like me to faint in the middle of the exhibition hall, please do let me know. because we still have another event day tomorrow.

my attire. fine, if you want me to admit it. it was my goddamn fault. i know it was my goddamn fault. but what do you expect me to do? go out and buy a goddamn suit that i don't have the money for? i'm a fucking nineteen year old girl. i'm not some adult with years of working. i don't own a damn fucking suit. but you know what? i went to my aunt's place to get a damn jacket, in the middle of the goddamn fucking night. and did you care? obviously not, bastard. and i don't care if your face was black again today because my skirt was too short because you know why? that is the only fucking black skirt that i have which is presentable enough for your goddamn event. and no, i'm not going to fucking waste my money and buy a suit for your stupid events. you can always leave me at the office the next time, besides, it's obviously i'm not needed. and because of your fucking 'rule' i'm wearing the same goddamn skirt and jacket again tomorrow. you have no goddamn idea how much i hate you right about now.

and i will never understand why you keep blaming us when it is very obviously not our fault that some items during the day went wrong. is it our fault that the stupid, dumb, idotic bus driver was trying to pull a fast one on the helpers? is it our fault if the stupid mics are not working? do i look like a goddamn tech person to you? is it out fault that the caters were not wearing their vests while they served the guests? is it our goddamn fault? personally, i didn't think it was our fault.

and i still don't understand why i am put at the counter, when all she does is shift all the attention to her. all i did was try to do my duty, help the guests. did she really have to come and cut in and ask again what he had wanted? did she really have to? and stop walking into me will you, bitch. i don't care if your eyes are too small, or if your hair is too long, just quit walking into me. i don't care if you don't respect people younger or of lower status than you, because if trust me, when i'm pissed off, you'll never see the end of it. but really, if you hadn't realized, i do detest you. but seriously, who wouldn't get pissed? who cares if i admit i was in the wrong, did you have to stare with that haughty stare that you didn't do anything wrong? because at least today, i looked smarter than you, bitch. anyway, as you can tell, she pisses me off like no other. i mean, it's enough that i got to take it at work. but aren't i doing the same work as you? stop looking down your nose bitch, you'll walk straight to your death.

i'm still frustrated. i'm still annoyed. and i still feel like crying, which basically sucks. i don't even dare to talk to anyone, because i'll probably snap at them. i'm still talking to mummy, she still makes me smile. well, it seems that hardly anyone else can make me smile anymore. ah wells, amanda will try and make herself smile. i better go, surf the web, vent some frustrations, hopefully not cry. hahas. thanks for reading about my two crappy days. last day tomorrow. and i don't even feel like going back to the office on monday. *sigh* nights. iloveyou.

<3 you always

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

loving you at 11:41 PM

good evening

i have submitted my application form for ntu and smu. i have as of late, been unable to navigate my way thought nus' website. and thus, i have decided to do it at home when i've got much more time. hahas. so today, it was slightly much better. despite the pain, there were more smiles. and maybe, just maybe, i've learnt that i actually am lucky.

missed him the entire day. even talking to max didn't help, neither did occupying my mind with university entry. but anyhow, it's getting harder to take each day as it comes. because each day that passes, it gets harder not to just tell you iloveyou and get it off my chest. what holds me back? the thought of losing you as even a friend, that's how much you mean to me. but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do right? i don't know anymore.

tomorrow i have to be at nus by 6.30am. so i really should be getting off to bed. it's always nice to hear his voice every night, i wonder if things would change when he gets the girl. who am i kidding? of course it'll change, the dynamics always change when there is another girl involved. ah wells. amanda will continue smiling and be thankful for that one day in his arms; just like how you'll be thankful for that few days with your loved one. did i mention i could fall asleep hearing him over the phone? hahas. nights. just a short song, and a note.

i won't say [i'm in love]

[meg] if there's a prize for rotten judgement

i guess i've already won that

no man is worth the aggravation

that's ancient history, been there, done that

[muses] who'd ya think you're kiddin'

he's the earth and heaven to you

try to keep it hidden

honey, we can see right through you

girl, ya can't conceal it

we know how ya feel and

who you're thinking of

[meg] no chance, no way

i won't say it, no, no

[muses] you swoon, you sigh

why deny it, uh-oh

[meg] it's too cliche

i won't say i'm in love

i thought my heart had learned it's lesson

it feels so good when you start out

my head is screaming get a grip, girl

unless you're dying to cry your heart out, oh

[muses] you keep on denying

who you are and how you're feeling

baby, we're not buying

hon, we say ya hit the ceiling

face it like a grown-up

when ya gonna own up

that ya got, got, got it bad

[meg] no chance, no way

i won't say it, no, no

[Muses] give up, give in

check the grin, you're in love

[meg] this scene won't play

i won't say i'm in love

[muses] you're doing flips, read our lips

you're in love

[meg] you're way off base

i won't say it

get off my case

i won't say it

[mesus] girl, don't be proud

it's okay, you're in love

[meg] oh, at least out loud

i won't say i'm in love

what does living for the moment mean? i had it all planned out in my mind. i really did.

'i love you, i just thought you'd like to know. i hope this doesn't change anything between us. i just thought i'd like you to know before i never get the chance to tell you, i love you. i love you.' but it's so insincere over the phone, and a birthdy surprise is way too long. but we'll see how everything pans out, because amanda has already started her planning.

<3 you always

Monday, March 05, 2007

loving you at 11:24 PM

i seriously don't feel like applying for university anymore.

i don't know why, but it just feels so meaningless.

everything feels so meaningless now.

all i want to do is sit in a corner and rot to death.

seriously.

i work from 9am till 6pm.

and with the APAIE conference now, it'll be from 7.30am till late.

so this week is burnt.

and everyone keeps telling me i need to start applying for university.

i've got no time, dammit.

i'm still not getting any sleep at night.

the nightmares just wouldn't leave me alone.

i just feel like crying and scaring my nightmares away with the tears.

wash it away with the tears.

drown them with my tears.

but it wouldn't work, would it?

nothing ever works for me anymore.

my mood's rock bottom, and no, things can't only get better.

because it's getting worse every fucking second.

i want to cry.

but crying is so useless, meaningless, weak.

amanda will not cry.

i should go now.

lie in bed and hopefully i don't start crying.

good night.

and maybe, goodbye.

<3 you always

Sunday, March 04, 2007

loving you at 11:37 PM

good evening.

i was happy for a while today, and then my mood took the fast path down into the pool of depression. or maybe it's not my mood, it's just the things that happen around me that make me feel depressed. but let's not focus on why i'm depressed, although you should know by now. i was happy this evening, even if it was only for a while. ok, a very long while. it did start off as slight depression, i was depressed. moping around the house, talking to the dog and to myself. and then decided to check my mail and read the funny e-mail that lynn sent to me. and i started laughing until i cried a little. and after that, my mood shot right into the sky and the clouds disappeared! well, from that moment in time i was happy. kept smiling and just felt generally well. not to mention i started talking to him soon after.

i still don't know what i am going to do. i've decided to just take one day at a time. but how do i do that when i'm constantly wondering if he knows the truth or if he's just really playing with my heart. and now that he knows what noone else knows, where do i begin to cage up my heart? i really didn't mean to tell him, he asked. and i told. i don't even know why i told him. was it trust, or was it my lovesick heart? i'm placing my bets on trust, after all, i can say i do trust him. but then again, maybe i trust too easily? hahas. but really, where do i start to cage up my heart now? i really don't know. and if you ever stumble upon this blog; an answer to your question.

if you could re-live one moment in the past, what would it be?

that morning, with you.

as for other matters, church and all. i'll just do what i always do. ignore them when there are more than one other person around who doesn't exactly get along well with me. i mean, it's worked with elvin. it's worked with jess. i don't see why it wouldn't work now with ben! and everyone else as well. *smiles*

all right, grand mother is back in the house. i better pack myself off to bed! before she comes in here raving and screaming like she always does. just this morning the invisible girl pissed her off and we were the recipients of her anger. nothing new there. so i should go now before i get pissed at her and start crying again. my eyes can't take it anymore and if i don't get some damn sleep into my system, i'm very likely to walk into a bus tomorrow. and then, bye bye. hahas. so i should go now. *hugs* thanks for reading! oh and before i go...

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN TO COLLEEN TANG!!!!!

i absolutely adore that girl. we need to go to sentosa during the march holidays! you, me, gen and steffie! we'll have so much fun! all righty then, i should get going. take care! *hugs* all my love!

is what i'm feeling wrong? is love ever wrong? how do i tell you i love you when i know i wouldn't be able to live with the consequences? what do i do, darling. please tell me, what should i do.

<3 you always

Saturday, March 03, 2007

loving you at 1:15 AM

good morning.

it's 1am in the morning and i'm not sleeping yet. but what i am, is drunk and pissed. well, i got drunk first and then i got pissed. but it doesn't matter now right? because everything is painfully clear. i really shouldn't have drunk anything. it just makes everything around me painfully clear. and it hurts how i can feel this aching pain really badly. i really am considering clawing my own heart out and locking it in a jar. but the prospect of pain just makes me shudder and move on to the next idea.

my results are ok. they're not fantastic. but i didn't fail. as for university. i'm considering not going just to spite her. but i'll probably end up going, if i can get in, this is. only this time, i'm going to be doing it for myself. not her. not you. not anyone, but me. and i didn't cry in school today! crying during the later part of the day has nothing to do with my results. and even my crying now, has nothing to do with my results. it's a whole different story all together.

before i start whining on my blog, today has just not been a really good day. everything just seems to be going wrong. despite the fact that i found eye candy, passed my 'a' levels and went on a shopping spree, everything is still crashing down on me. and i can't seem to stop crying.

well for one, i just found out, again, that i really don't matter. and really, i thought i would have been used to it. primary school. secondary school. junior college. and it still hurts like a bitch. proves my theory that no one can actually get used to pain. so yes, i'm not important. i want to hit something, i know i do. but the pain wouldn't override the pain in the middle of my chest. nothing really can, except the blade. but there's no point in returning to the blade. because this time, i'm thinking of taking the plunge. hahas. but i've still got so many things to do before i can actually do it. for one, i've still got work. second, i've yet to give my mother a better life. so, i suppose that has to be put off for a while. i'm sure satan can wait for another few more years, since he's been waiting since the start of time for my soul. but it just still hurts. but then again, maybe it's my fault. it was only a few days that i started talking to him again. but it's all right. amanda will find a way to smile.

sometimes i wonder if he really thought of making me into a fool. hahas. you know, tell someone about something they already know? and then when you tell them, they'll just say, 'yeah, i knew it' and you'll just feel stupid. but hey, look on the bright side. i can now take up my plan without any regrets. and even if i don't have the will power to see my plan through, the thought of days spent without tears is incentive enough. i think. but anyway, my plan is going to start today. and trust me, they'll never realize what happened.

just a small thank you to jesse. thank you for being there when i needed someone to reassure me. and to knock some sense into me about my faith. because trust me, it doesn't matter how many praise and worship sessions you go for, how many times you attend mass in a week, how many times you recieve holy communion that actually determines your ability to help a friend whose losing ground with her faith. it only matters that you care enough to be a friend. and again, it brings back the terrible memories.

maybe i'm remembering too much about the past, that's why the nightmares are returning again. or maybe all this is happening because my mind is just too damn fucking tired to deal with all these problems at once. i don't think i've even caught 8 hours of sleep in the past 8 days since that first nightmare. how much longer can i continue this? especially when i'm seeing things i really shouldn't. hopefully the nightmares will end soon. i hope they end before the worst of the nightmares start. because then, i don't think i'll even dare to close my eyes.

anyhow, i'm going to lie in bed and listen to music. i don't think i'll sleep, because i really don't think i'm in the right frame of mind to handle the nightmares. and i refuse to resort to taking the pills. i've had enough of medicine being pumped into me, i'm not going to start doing it to myself. well, i'll sign off here then. just a little something, for that special someone.

i should try to run

but i just can't seem to

cause everytime i run

you're the one i run to

<3 you always

Friday, March 02, 2007

loving you at 12:16 PM

good afternoon.

my hands are cold. my stomach is churning. my head is light. and i don't know what to do with myself right about now. another 43 minutes before mummy comes to pick me up. and then, it's off to school. and then by the time i reach school, it'll be an hour or so till the results are released. and then the talk by brother paul. after which the time would shorten to half an hour or even a few minutes. and before long, it'll be 2.30pm.

i'm determined not to cry. but i told myself that two years ago, and i still came out of the hall brawling despite not having failed anything. this time, i really don't know what i'm going to do. before i recived my 'o' level results, i had a feeling i was going to cry. to cry really really hard. but now, the feeling is much worse. it probably is worse than feeling dread. *sigh* what am i going to do. the urge to stab myself and end my misery is growing stronger as the second passes. hahas.

there is stations of the cross tonight at st stephen. sent out messages again, i wonder who will be there. well, i really should get going. maybe i'll blog about my results. maybe i don't. oh did i mention? we have a family gathering this saturday. fuck me. mummy said i can't not go. and there is definitely no way i'm going to be able to avoid the damn questions. maybe this is why i hate being the eldest. or even being in this family. because everyone just wants to see you at your lowest. ah well, life is hardly ever fair. and death is not an option. i'm determined to live with myself, and the scars. because as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? not really.

<3 you always

Thursday, March 01, 2007

loving you at 12:52 PM

good afternoon.

apparently there have been a change of plans.

mother insists that she wants to follow me tomorrow.

and when i refuse, she whines.

so i have no choice but to say yes.

*sigh*

i really don't know how i'm going to react tomorrow.

i think god's letting it rain, so it'll wash my tears away, come tomorrow.

i want to say i've got people to fall back on.

people who'll help to pull me up when i'm at my lowest.

but i'm so afraid to depend on people.

because i've been let down so many times, i just don't believe in angels anymore.

i want to believe in you.

especially when you say you'll be there for me, no matter what.

but i've learnt never to trust guys who have no control of their hearts.

because i've been let down, one too many times.

but i want someone to lean on.

someone's shoulder to cry on.

someone to hug me.

someone to tell me that everything will be all right.

maybe i'm looking for them in the wrong places.

but what are the right places to look for friends?

we'll see what happens tomorrow.

maybe i'll survive, maybe i won't.

<3 you always

loving you at 9:56 AM

good morning.

this is much worse than waiting for my 'o' level results. the nightmares are getting worse, this feeling of dread is intensifying every second, and my body seem to be breaking down on me. i really hate this anxiety, of waiting for something that you don't really want to happen. it's almost like knowing you're about to get into a serious accident. you just don't know if you're going to die, become a vegetable or survive and carry on with life. now i'm not making any sense, because my mind is so filled with anxiety, i'm hardly thinking about anything else.

i need to find back my will power. especially if i want to carry this out, essentially to protect my heart. i don't think i would be able to survive the blow, if at the end of the day, you return to her arms. but i'm not about to go running into arms i don't want to be in. i guess, in that way, i'm silently thankful. but really, despite all i want to do, i really don't see my will power holding myself to it. well, for one, because my will power is powered by my heart. and my heart doesn't want to let you go; it never wants to let you go. and so what is amanda to do? take one day at a time.

well, i should be going now. work is beckoning and i'm almost willing to do anything just to keep my mind busy, and away from thoughts of the results and of you. i really don't know what i'm going to do, can anyone tell me what i should do?

would you notice if i disappeared from your side one day? would you notice if i never smile again? would you notice if my heart grew cold towards you? would you notice if i never said i love you again?

<3 you always

the girl
~amanda germaine~
~~eighteen~~ going on nineteen
ijian. cjcian.
cancer. 23june1988.
single, ~~available~~ and enjoying every minute of it!