good morning.





in less than twenty four hours, it will be a new day and a new year. and since i usually take more than an hour to blog, i think i'll just blog now. rather than wait till it's almost midnight and then rush though it. after all, the last post of the year. it has got to be meaningful don't you think? well, i just finished reading thought seventeen after i watched a movie on ch5 with mama. i better get started, before mummy comes home and i end up rushing this post again.


with every new year, there will always be new year resolutions. it always was easier to make new year resolutions. for one, i was always going to be starting school. resolution number1, study harder and consistently. resolution number2, don't miss a single day of school. resolution number3, don't play too much and end up neglecting homework. and in my past 12 years of study, i cannot say that i have kept all three resolutions. but this year, my results are coming in during march. and even after that, i've got a few more months before i start university. that is, if i can get into a university. but everything's changing. i'm starting my year differently. but i do have a few new year resolutions. resolution number1, do not miss a single day of work. seeing as how working is to increase my cfp funding as well as for my university fund. to miss a day of work, is to lose precious money for my education. nevertheless, spending money on people i love and for people i love, is still a must. amanda will find a way out, she always does. with that aside, resolution number2, remain happy, even in the face of most dire circumstances. seeing as how i'll be receiving my 'a' level results and then, possibly uni posting, i think i would require a whole lot of courage and strength to stay happy in such dire situations. resolution number3 is looking to be very bleak, even now. i am known, to some people as a very pessimesitc person. but if you knew what had been happening the past few weeks, resolution number3 would seem bleak to you as it is to me. resolution number3, try to be on better terms with family members. i don't want to be pessemistic and all, but i don't seem how a new year can help improve on our relations. i must admit, i haven't been the best cousin or niece in the world, but unlike some people, i do not pay lip service to wishes and wants and yet do nothing. because in my eyes, that is just plain hypocritic. well, i guess up till now, 12.36am on the 31st of decemeber 2006, i only have 3 resolutions that i have thought of. i have considered putting 'finishing all my stories' under resolution number4, but i figured that it really isn't a resolution. or is it? hahas. i'm not even entirely sure! but i am beginning to babble now, now that i have nothing much to say. on to the next topic!


i really have too many stories swimming in my head. so far, i've got at least 9 or 10 down on paper. i've got a few scenes from another 2 or 3 stories written out. and yet i constantly find things to do aside from finishing my stories. work has been a large factor of making me delay my writing. writing although a past time to me, has become a slight chore the past few months. i don't know why, but maybe because i have no time at work to write or no time in the day to write. now, comparing to my lunch breaks in school and literature breaks. reading, my other addiction has also taken up a larger portion of my time. because it's easier to fit in at work, and much easier to do on the way. i can't possibly lug my laptop to work only to work on one or possibly no chapter in the bus when there is a seat, or no seat at all can i? but i do intend on alloting sunday as writer's day. gaming day is saturday, i find that i can stay up later and hence more gaming time. writing, can be squeezed in during the weekdays if i don't feel so tired or if i've got extra time on my hands. gaming, is addictive and cannot be given half an hour on weekday nights. i'll end up sleeping at 2am and waking up late for work the next day. that will not do. so, from this monday onwards. sundays are for writing and publishing as well. hopefully before my results come out, i would have finished publishing 'will you stay?' and am starting on it's sequel. and then, there are my other stories. amanda sure has her work cut out for her!


lately, i've been having dreams. not the normal happy dreams of nothing in particular. but dreams that have extremely good plot. could be my writer mind, or it could just be nothing. i must say, the dreams border on the scary factor. and the fantasy. magic power, flying transportation, high tech gadgets, psyhic powers. the first dream i had, i might pen it down although there are rather wide gaps between the scences that i seem to have trouble filling in. as for the scary dreams, mummy woke me up in the middle of it. but for the scary dream, there is no plot. just houses, investigation, ghosts, images, whispers. it could be due to the too many movies i've been watching. or tv serials. and also the books i've been reading. i must say, nora roberts really is a very good writer. but that is beside the point. and the worst/best part of the dreams? i know i'm dream. and i seem to be looking in. always a player in the story. it would have been finr if it ended at that, but during the day, i get flashes. and trust me, it's beginning to freak me out. i can't stay in silence longer than 3 seconds. i stare at corners, like someone's looking back at me. i constantly need something to occupy my mind. maybe i'm going crazy, i don't know. i just want to be normal.


thoughts of him has also been coming back quite frequently. this time last year, i was in a hotel room with the family because aunty alice was here. and when i held that bottle to my lips, the only person i saw was him. now, i want to leave him in this year. leave him behind. because by just carrying him with me, is slowing me down and everyone's gaining ground. i refuse to be left behind, just because of him. did i mention, i got reaquinted with 'tong hua' on the hongkong trip. although i can say that listening to the song now doesn't bring about bouts of tears, or the ache in the heart, it still does bring to mind his face when he was on stage. some things are indeed hard to forget. i don't remember how he smells, or how warm his body felt when he hugged me. when i can't seem to forget his face. the last look i saw before i never saw him look at me again. funny don't you think? i don't remember his face when we were happy. or when he was smiling. i don't rememeber much, aside from that look. it's much harder to remember how my father looks like than to remember how nicholas looks like. maybe i should add this to my new year resolutions. resolution number4, forget nicholas cheang.


i don't know how the attached video is going to come out like. but if you can watch it, please do. and i apologize if because of the video, it causes your computer to lag. please let me know if it does, and i'll take the video away. this song is by jesse mccartney. just so you know. i saw the video just now after the movie. and i think i really am a sucker for heartfelt love songs. if i was rich enough, i'll have my own collection of romance novels in my room. and also a collection of love songs. but i'm not rich enough, not yet anyway. anyhow, reading this post must have allowed the video to load. so sit back and enjoy this three minute video. it really is nice. isn't he just fantablous?




Music Video Code By Urbnmix
jesse mccartney - just so you know



how could i have forgotten to blog about my outing with the two kiddos, i don't know. that morning turned out to be dry. that was until we were all dry and in the house when it started to rain, very heavily. we watched star wars and finally left the house, much to genestine's delight, at 2pm. we dropped at ps, and amanda lost another nail. so much so that i have already cut all my nails. i am not taking anymore chances. especially when it hurts, a whole lot. we raided the arcade. -yeah right- and ended up taking neo prints because they didn't have the machine genestine wanted to play. the neo prints turned out great! and despite our lack of knowledge of japanese, we managed to get though it all just fine! *smiles* the movie was great, although i almost lost my heart before that when genestine slipped on the steps! but luckily we caught hold of each other. so no bruises, amanda just lost a small portion of her heart. hahas. we stumbled on a nice stationery shop and the cashier, looked like yul! but the cashier was a girl! *looks shocked* then we all decided that yul looks a bit like a girl anyway. hahas. we then headed down for dinner where we didn't overeat! hahas. we had chicken, fish and beef. the sharing was fun and we had a jolly fun time of laughing our asses off! hahas. after dinner we sent steffie and genestine back to steffie's house. and another new discovery i made was that they play inuyasha episodes on arts central every wednesday, thursday and friday nights from 11pm to 11.30pm. *yahoo* i'm so happy! hahas. no need to wait for the episodes to load, and wonder if they have english subtitles or not! yippie! thank you steffie! anyhow, i think we should do it again, during the june holidays? we'll see how *smiles*


i should get going now. going to listen to my music and watch some more videos. and then, i'm going to sleep when mummy comes home. and then, it'll be sunday. church. and then, a countdown to 2007 later on in the evening. for all those who've felt 2006 to be the worst year of your life, 2007 should make for a better year, hopefully. and for those who believe that there can be no better year than 2006, everything can always get better, always. *hugs* sweet dreams. good night. don't let the bed bugs bite. *muacks* loveya!

<3 you always

good evening.


i had just done some 'tickle test' sent to me buy some guy. and i've got feedback that the description fits me rather well. i'll type it out here, and you can post on my tagboard what you think about it *smiles*

amanda, your emotions are triggered by your underlying belief in compassion
in other words, your uncompromisingly compassionate nature directly affects how, and how often, you experience certain feelings.
for example, your test results indicate that you're most fulfilled when you can lend a helping hand to those who really need it. that factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in compassion and the range of emotions it triggers.

it ends there because i need to pay for a further analysis of myself. and i don't have that much extra cash to spare at the moment =X


i'm skipping work tomorrow. and it is for a good cause! i'm bringing the girls out. we're heading back to my place for a movie first including breakfast. than another movie at PS or at the new Cathy building before dinner. i can almost see the fun we're going to have! *smiles*


before i get over excited, my condolences to jessica. whatever happens babe, i'm only a call away. and i've got great shirts, the shoulders are padded so you can soak them all you like *grin* just take it easy and lay off the guilt trip ok? i strongly believe that our self guilt trips are a part of our human nature. sometimes it's good, when it helps you to push you forward and make you do things better the next time roung. but guilt trips like this, are not worth it. not for even a split second. and i've been there, all you need is faith in god and love for your uncle. and then, you're set *smiles* but if you need a friend, even for like 5 minutes. i'm a 24hour hotline! remember, i love you.


so, mummy is back. my eyes are droopy. and i need to wake up early tomorrow. so i am going to head to bed now and i'll blog again during the weekend, before the new year comes. and despite my previous thoughts of stopping this blog, i think i'll continue it. after all, i hardly see my friends and i suppose there are quite a few people who are silent readers. well, i should really get going. good nights. i love you!

<3 you always

good morning.


it has been exactly ten days since i last blogged. between that time i've flown off to Hong Kong and celebrated Christmas in Singapore, unfortunately. well, i'm much too lazy to document my entire Hong Kong trip here, so if you'd like to know any details, call me, message me, pm me. i am definitely much too lazy to recount my entire adventure. well, after the trip was christmas celebrating. i must say, i don't feel anything special. almost every christmas, i've felt something special. be it the starting of december, the day before christmas or even during midnight mass. but this year, there doesn't seem to be any tingling feeling. has my heart really gone cold? i'll talk about some things, not in order, and we'll see how this post pans out. i don't want to promise anything, and neither do i want to continue ranting. i think there does come a point when amanda has to stop ranting, because it doesn't do much aside from soothing my anger.


despite my previous complaints about being lazy, i might just highlight my trip. sunday was spent shopping and effectively killed my feet. only amanda would go walking for an entire day in her two and a half inch boots. despite the fact that the boots might have kept my feet warmer, i should have brought my old pair of school shoes and then dump them in Hong Kong for a more favourable pair of shoes to return to Singapore in. hahas. wells, there is always next time!

well, after that first day, it was Disney Land the next day. and really, we need more than one day at Disney Land. and we should stay at the hotel at Disney Land. not only for the experience but also for the convience of not rushing back with the hordes of people. anyhow, after Disney Land was an extremly late dinner with uncle Ricky's business friends. it was interesting, and the food was just simply to die for. although they had ordered too much, the food was good. i think i must have definitely put on a few pounds there! *screams* but i did enjoy myself, so i can't say anything else on that matter.

wednesday was taking the bus to Ethel's grandma house where we had dim sum for breakfasy. twenty types in total. i must say, this has been the best trip so far where we do get to experience the best the country has to offer. definitely a yes for another trip there next year *smiles* after we returned to her grandma's place before we went to climb the mountain. only me and mummy were not exactly properly attired as we were both in boots. my heels were lower, thank god!, but mummy wore her new ones which she was very comfortable in. despite that, amanda was in a skirt! everyone who was coming down the hill was staring at me. but really, who wears a skirt to climb a mountain? only amanda! hahas. but that makes me unique, doesn't it? keke. after the mountain climb, we headed back down and got ready to go to The Peak. the ride was long, but boy was it worth the view. depsite mummy freezing her ass off at the top of The Peak, i was close to heaven at the top of The Peak! and i took plenty of photos! i even caught the changing colours of the building on camera. which saw me standing there for at least five minutes clicking away at my camera. but trust me, it was worth it. after that, we took the tram down. and if you like vertical rides, but not fast rides, you should take the tram. i swear i thought i was almost perpendicular to the ground! after the tram down, we took the normal tram to have wonton mee. and the wontons are huge! each wonton had 5 prawns in it! not to mention, it was really delicious. after that, we took the ferry back. at the hotel, i all but sat on my bed and fell asleep. hahas!

thursday saw us at Ocean Park with Ethel's aunty and her family. we took almost all the rides at the Park and it was awesome! it really helps to go overseas with your friends, seem to make you want to try everything. could anyone ever imagine amanda going on a rollarcoaster ride? i might have bit off my tongue before i went ont the ride. but it was fun especially with mummy and erika. although we got thrown around a lot, more so for erika, it was still fun. and The Abyss which only me and mummy sat, it was fantastic! the thrill was enough to make me want to go again, only if the queue was not so long. hahas. we also took the water ride, which left us drenched. me and mummy were not so wet, unlike erika and ethel who were dripping, literally. hahas! but it was fun and exciting. after that, we fed ourselves before taking the cable car down. and if you think Singapore's cable cars is high, Ocean Park's cable cars are way higher. and it was terribly funny when i kept laughing. i guess that is how i handle stress. was making everyone else laugh. hehes. after that, we went for a family dinner. after the family dinner, we headed back. and the packing started! mummy had managed to fit a whole load of things into my bag which was really handy and meant that i could buy more things on our last shopping trip the next day! hehes. evantually, we were too tired and just jumped into bed. a few items still left unpacked.

the last and final day, we left our bags downstairs before we went out for breakfast. then, Ethel's parents went for dim sum with their friends and we went shopping! i bought 2 sweat shirts for myself, 1 sweat shirt for jess, another pair of converse shoes, a top, bracelet for pam, necklace for myself, a pull over for mummy and two long sleeved shirts to be shared between mummy and me. to sum it up, it was a good last day shopping! hahas. well, the flight back was all right. even sitting with erika and ethel was fun. but you really shouldn't leave a sweet box with ethel when she's nervous. you really shouldn't. anyhow, we reached home around 12.30am. packed and everything by 2am. was dead tired and jumped into bed. it really was an exhausting yet fulfilling trip *smiles*


well, enough about my trip to Hong Kong. the pictures will be developed as soon as i get my first pay check. which should be soon, i think. anyhow, i had a christmas party yesterday at aunty veronica's house. it was fun! and the food was yum yum. but it is a good thing that i didn't over eat. thinking back, i seem to have ate very little. only probably ate too many brownies. but how can you ask amanda to not eat brownies that look simply delicious and are waiting to be consumed by an appreciative consumer. hahas. anyhow, i got a piggy bank from them which makes noise when you drop coins into it. i really felt like a three year old kid when i stared, eyes wide at the piggy bank. it really was good to be young and innocent then. other christmas presents include, a kebaya skirt [godma], box of chocolates [aunt cat], 2 pairs of earrings + 2 books + sweets [jessica], phone chain [elvin], note book [steffie]. i must say, i'm terribly happy with my presents. despite my indifference to christmas this year. and it must be the giving as well, i must have given out quite a lot of presents. hahas. the movie date has been set for thursday, and boy am i looking forward to that. you never know what's going to happen when you're with jessica, steffie and genestine together. hahas.


since this post has put me in a much better mood, i shan't talk about anything else that might dampen my mood. and i shall leave it at that, on to the next topic!


before i end this post, a post belated birthday to Daryl Chin and Josceline Foo. you're older, hopefully wiser. take care of yourselves and hope you enjoyed your day. i know Josceline enjoyed having her nose dripped in cream cake. *opps* was no one else suppose to know that? but i got photos! keke. i'm getting good at this backmailing routine. take care ya? both of you! *hugs* *muacks* love you both!


so, i guess i end this here. i will definitely post again before the end of the new year. my reading has been coming along and i'm terribly upset that the maximum 8 books quota is only till the 31st of Jan2007. i know i would be delighted if they extended it for the rest of my life but it's all right. that is when my mummy comes in. and even possibily anyone who has a library card but doesn't use it. i promise i won't incur any charges, and i'll treasure the books and your kindness! hehes. all rights, i better get going. it's going to be lunch time soon. Happy Boxing Day, a belated Merry Christmas and an early Happy New Year. all my love, always.

<3 you always

good evening.


today's post will mostly be ranting. the day was good, to say the least. but it still seems that when i hear your name, or any mention of you, it just twists my stomach into knots and the only colour i see is red. and the only thing i really want to do is scream at you, hit you and inflict bodily harm upon you. and i don't give a shit if i'm not respecting my elders. because you know what? you don't deserve that respect. maybe i don't either, but at least i don't go around putting people down just so i can feel good about myself and what i've done.


i cannot believe my own grandmother suggested that you did us a fucking favour by taking my mother as your god daughter and me as your grand god daughter. right now, the only god mother i'd acknowldge is aunty lily who has been a much better god parent than you'll ever be in a million years. just the thought that you did us a favour is enough to make me want to vomit that i can almost taste bile in my mouth. it's disgusting. but if you do want to think of it as a favour, weighing what you have done for us and what you did to my mother on that one night, i would have rather you ignored us like the rest of the people in church. i even wouldn't mind you talking about us behind our backs, or even spreading rumors. i know a few people who have, and no, i do not want to mention names. but at least we wouldn't be as hust because we wouldn't have trusted you. trusted you as a friend to stand by her. trusted you as a god parent to lead her. right now, i don't even know who god is anymore. with god parents like you, i'd rather never let my child know god in his/her entire life.


the favour part still pisses me off majorly. but i'm trying to let that go. because do you know what is worse? the worse part is that you even didn't even have the fucking guts to say it to my mother in her face. you hid behind your fucking phone and messaged her. and i do see a trend. do you all always hide behind your phones to do your dirty work and then pretend that you're still all holy and good? bullshit. and i can't even stomach the idea that i'm not attending mass and will be going for confession when i return from the trip. i can't even sit though one session of mass without the question of 'what the fuck am i doing here' running through my head. i'm dying so desperately to do something. i've been this desperate since that rumor that i've gone out with all the guys in this church. but what the fuck can i do?


when i say i've been wronged, everyone points out that it's the same with everyone else. and we should take it in our stride. when others have been wronged, to a lesser extent, you shout and tell the entire world. as if justice isn't done, the world will never be ok. now you tell me, what the fuck is wrong with this picture? you say that they had numberous problems with the church, how about me? i was in way more shit then i had actually done. you all cry, pat each other shoulders and tell them it's ok. but did anyone tell me it was ok? all they did was sit me down and proceed to tell me how it was my fault that i never had the right mind to inform a fucking adult. when i didn't even know about the fucking situation until it was the last minute. and no one bothered to see who was doing the taking care. the mothering. i had vomit on my fav jacket, i had to feed them and all you can do is sit me down and tell me what a fucking disappointment i am? now tell me what is wrong with that picture.


i just don't know what i'm doing anymore. i go to church, i look at the cross and all i want to do is walk away. i don't even care if i'm going to spend the rest of my life in hell, because i don't think there can be anything worse than being in this church. sometimes all i want to do is take the plunge. i don't want to care about anything, anymore.


you know what? forget it. i'm fucking pissed off now and i just need to do something that has nothing to do with church. nothing at all.

<3 you always

good evening.


it has been exactly a week since i last blogged. and once again, *gets down on knees* thank god it's midweek. however this time, it is for an entirely different reason. if you have yet to realize, amanda will be flying off on sunday morning, at 6am. for those who actually want to send me off, i thank you for your thoughts. for those who wish i would leave sooner, i would appreciate an air ticket next time. i will go into more detail in a few minutes. but before i move on to any more significant part of my life and day, just wanted to wish a special someone a happy birthday. he'll be 15 this year. if it was a year ago, i'd have a long drawn out speech for him, but now, i just don't want to dwell on it anymore. i shall not dwell, onto my next topic.


the final details of the trip has been tended to. insurance. flight. hotel. itenery. now all i need to do is pack as little things as possible, and slprge till my heart's content in hong kong. everyone knows i need to get a whole lot of shit off my chest. mummy wouldn't be working on saturday, but i do foresee that my paycheck would be able to cover the lack of income when we're in hong kong. i know my paycheck was suppose to be extra cash, but just as well, better in surplus than in a deficit. nevertheless, we have saved over $500 for us to spend. i know i wouldn't be spending all of it because mother does have some things she'd like to buy. and even if she didn't, i'd force her to buy something. it's about time she actually decided to buy something for herself. other than the bubling excitment, there really is nothing else i'm feeling about going to hong kong.


work has been all right. lunch on tuesday was on uncle harris. he came back as a contract staff for another event, he's in charge of sales. then today, it was on cindy. i think i better bring extra cash tomorrow, we're heading to the new shop opposite the street. nevertheless, i will bring extra cash! hahas. just in case. tomorrow is also the next facial. omg, i can imagine i want to die. but the appointment has been made so, i shall suffer. and hopefully have a clearer face. the books that keep me company during the lull hours of the day have been great. nora roberts is really a good writer. somehow, i wish i could write like that. the way she captures your attention, intrigues your curosity, makes you wonder. i shall continue practicing. but talking about writing...


home has been finished and i've got feedback from a few people. i would want to post it here, but it's really long. i really think it would be much better that if you wanted it, message or e-mail me and i'll send it over. i'm actually thinking about what xiao an and brenden told me before school ended. about starting with short stories first. i suppose that way, it'll be easier on people who don't particularly like to read long stories. but before i start on that, i got to think of plots. i don't want to write the same thing over again, even though i've said before that the plot doesn't matter, it all depends on how the writer expands on it and how the story develops. nevertheless, this might take more time than i expected. but well, i never expected much so it's all good *smiles*


i can't believe it. it's only 8.19pm and i'm tired. so i'm actually going to wrap this up. to someone, don't always look so stressed. you know you can always talk to me, and i promise to remain objective. but do take care of yourself right? don't make me worry so much about you! hehes. to someone else, what is love? i can't help you in choosing the one you're suppose to be spending most of your tme with. but who do you see a future with? the one you love, or the one you've got a crush on. are you willing to give up your love for one girl, to persue another girl who caught your eye. i can't say it's wrong, i can't say it's right. it all depends on you, really. but if you need a listen ear, a shoulder, i'm gonna be here, always *smiles* as for the rest of my shout outs, they can wait. actually, i've got none left. so there, i'm going to wash my face, clean myself before reading then heading to bed. thanks for reading. don't miss me when i'm in hongkong. take care. *hugs* loveyou.

<3 you always

good evening.


it is mid week! finally! *gets down on knees and bow to heaven* i started work on monday and it really wasn't that bad, getting back into the flow of things. i did almost fall asleep on the desk front desk but one of the girls managed to get out the data entry for me to do. which means i get to work with the computer. i love the computer yes, but i also love my books. although my dreams of sitting around all day and reading my books has been dashed, somewhat, i'll get by. after all, looking at how slow that computer moves, i'd be able to get some reading in between *smiles widely* lunch time has almost transformed into chinese speaking lessons coupled with tolerance lessons. the new accountant, she's sweet but she is totally chinese speaking and smokes. the smoking part doesn't irk me as much anymore no, i'm not a smoker. because she always does it when she's alone or when she's waiting for me. the chinese part though, i just need to get over my shame of not being able to speak fluently in chinese and then, i'll be all set. today's lunch however has been successful. we discussed things, families, boyfriends and i brought her to the library! ahh, the wonderful sensation of being surrounded by books. if i had a choice, i wouldn't be working and i'd be at the library, reading from 10am until 6pm. anyhow, it was an interesting experience to say the least. other than that, everything has somewhat returned to normal. i've got a dinner date with aunt veron and lynn and gosh am i excited. after that we'd be going back to aunt veron's house to borrow one of her luggage for me! i'm planning to take the biggest one but we'll see how heavy it is first. because mother has made it quite clear that i'll be carrying my own lagguage *groans* i would say that this week has been a great improvement and at least, one aspect of my life is beginning to settle down.


i still cannot believe that my church life is going to always be this exciting! and whoever said church life was boring should try experiencing it once in a while. and i don't mean, standing ten paces away observing. i mean, getting in there and getting all this crap thrown onto you. trust me, if you want to spice up your life a bit, you should try it out. and you never know, you might find god in the chaos. well, the situation is still horrible and i am still dreading to go to church. but that isn't the main problem as of yet, the main problem is still her. let me ask you this, could you ever text something extremely hurtful to someone close to you and than act like nothing is wrong the next time you see them? i know i wouldn't. i'd be overwhemled with guilt, shame, anguish. guilt if i had done the deed out of anger. shame if i had done the deed out of anger and was unable to control my anger. anguish if deep down inside, i still carry the flame of hope that things between us could get better. but everyone is unipue in they're own way so my feelings are not necessarily felt by everyone, especially her. but back to the situation. how could someone i had seen as warm, loving and kind say such hurtful words and then act like she did nothing wrong? it really makes me wonder if she had warmth to begin with or that all along she had been stringing us along when deep down inside, she's almost as cold as the north pole. maybe i had my suspicions before, i admit. how she'd scoff at situations/people, how she'd close people out and put them out and how well she carried her wealth. but as you can see, i purged them. she was suppose to become someone close to me, god given, they called it. i still wondered though, how she ended up with him, it just seems like such an unlikely match. but now isn't the time to question it, it only proves that love does overcome everything. so we're stuck in this situation. my mother, she's ok with acting like nothing has happened, play along. how does she expect me to play along? after rebelling against the authorities the first few incidents, i began to play along and took almost everything in my stride but how did that work out? i was played, cheated, made a fool of and destroyed. trust me, i'm still majorly pissed about that rumor. i should be flattered that every available guy in church would want to sleep with me but that silver lining isn't that shiny, really. so if you really think i'm going to play along, you've got another thing coming. i have decided that there really is nothing i'd like to do now in church, and if i ever anyone needs a reason why i'm suddenly cold, i don't mix with people who believe hearsay than trust someone you care about. that really is all the reason i need. to you, outsiders, it might not seem enough but someone who wasn't there when my bed sheet was spotted with blood, who wasn't there when my pillow was soaking, who wasn't there when all i did was question myself, who wasn't there when i was on the verge of throwing myself into darkness, who wasn't there when false accusations almost made me broke down doesn't deserve much of a reason for my lack of warmth and love. furthermore, she has to seem to forgotten the times we've stood up for her when people were whispering behind her back. we both stood, tall and proud and defended you and what do you do? turn your back, listen to their lies and attack us like we were the enemies. and besides, if you asked her, i doubt she'd feel any sense of loss without me. because i'm beginning to believe that i don't matter. not to her, not to anyone. not to anyone in this church anyhow. maybe i've had that suspicion bubbling under the surface for a long time, i've just never taken the time or effot to think about it. but i'm staying, if not for god, it'll be because of my stubborn-ness and my desire to show them that i'll survive, no matter what. how did i get into this mess, you might ask. it surely isn't my battle to fight, i know. but if you mess with someone i love, do you expect me to sit by and watch the one i love break down? i've decided that taking the immediate way out really doesn't work with the people in this church, so i'm taking my time. and we'll see how the future pans out. because i'm not letting this go. and in the words of the Quinn brothers, it's not a threat, it's a promise.


my love life is still in the dumps so we shall skip this part. but if you want to know, everyone else's love lives seem to be on high. or maybe it's just me! either way, i'm not going to let this bother me. i've got too much on my plate now anyway. so i am going to just skip this and head on to the ending.


my short drabble on 'home' is on it's way to completion. i am actually planning to do it now, so i shall conclude here. i'm planning to go and read some pages before bed, and i'll be waiting up for mother. i can't seem to sleep these few days, i don't know if it's because i'm really a night creature, sleeping problems or i'm just too tightly wounded to relax and sleep. either way, it doesn't bother me much. as long as i've got energy for the next day and for everything that i have to do, i'm cool. so i should get going now. thanks for stopping by! sweet dreams, *hugs*, take care, *muacks*, love you!

<3 you always

good evening!


since my last post, there has clearly been ups and downs. well, i wouldn't say there have been more downs since i've yet to actually count the situations. but let's just go through my week shall we? starting from where we left off, tuesday night.


wednesday was spent going on errands to get the items i needed for grad night, as well as my cheque. after which i waited for at least twenty minutes in the blasted sun for the bus to come, and when the bus came, i had to stand all the way which even though i was in my track shoes, the balls of my feet hurt! but as usual, seeing the girls always make everything much better. sat around and talked to ethel till mummy came with my belongings because we were going to be sleeping in the performing arts room. shallow i know but wells, we needed our beauty rest before grad night the next day. i got mummy to bring my half done mask and ethel helped me with it! it turned out to be really pretty, glittery and feather-y. i am frankly too lazy to blog about what happened during camp so, maybe you'd have to go blog hopping and maybe stumble upon a junior's blog or someone else who has more free time and isn't dead tired. next up, grad night.


to say it was dead boring is going a little way overboard. yet to say that i had fun, is very much a lie. although i must admit, i did have some fun moments. after mummy dropped me off, waited around for familiar faces. or rather, familiar faces that would acknowledge me. saw gen, never took a photo. saw michelle, never took a photo. saw jean, never took a photo. saw mindy, never took a photo. what kind of dumb idiot brings her camera with entirely empty memory discs and not take as many photos as she could. and as of now, i've got less than 15 photos to be developed. i suppose this is good in a way, save money on developing photos would equal to more money for other uses. well, the food was good and i ate everything that was on my plate, aside from bones. saw ethel after the event to take photos, i think that was the only time i smiled so wide. my dress was all right, aside from trying to keep myself from tripping and keeping other people's feet off my dress. there were close encounters where my dress almost got stepped off. omg! hmmm. there really is nothing else much to be pointed out. i don't think i'd remember this grad night as i would my sec4 grad night. but i must admit, i liked my dress, shoes, hair and body much better at this grad night then i did at sec4 grad night. i suppose it does come to square. in a really twisted way, don't ask me to explain my twisted logic.


friday was spent in bed. it must have been the drink i had when i came home and sleeping at 1am. i messaged sam that i wouldn't be coming into work, don't really know if she got it. if she didn't, i'd just get a scolding tomorrow at work. that afternoon, me and mummy watched the two dvds that were sent to us. and it was a wonderful time! freaky friday and daddy day care. touching and heart warming. dinner was egg with cheese and wild mrushroom soup. at night was watching ghost whisperer and after that, prison break. well, that was about what i did on friday. we were suppose to go out for dinner, but i guess we were both lazy and it is hardly we get to stay home and laze around.


saturday was uneventful. aside from my early morning call from uncle vincent whose helping out with the bulletin. and i swear if i don't cultivate more patience until the next time i have to deal with him, i'd quit and never look back. the rest of the day was spent lazing around and evantually sleeping at 2am. and that is the reason i'm now yawning endlessly and would be heading to bed soon. *yawn* church today was surprisingly great. could be the presence of jess coupled with seeing elvin without all that cold tension in between. although my mood was dampened by uncle vincent and someone else, i guess since i'm still alive and not in jail, would testify that the day was on overall, a good one. if my sentences don't make sense, forgive me, i'm really very tired. after church went to j8 where we had lunch. saw ben gen's ben and yi fen. after lunch we went ntuc shopping where i got new face wash. to get all this dirt off my face. after that we headed up for ice cream, and boy was i filled. that would also lead to me not eating dinner today, as well as nothing else since i left j8.


ok, i'm sorry but i really can't take it. i need to go and sleep before i fall flat into my computer. to elvin, who tagged, i miss the hugs too and i never did get one to you today. remind me next week won't you? well, unless the tension doesn't return. as i've told you this afternoon, don't train too much not you just might disappear into thin air. hehes. take care of yourself ya? *hugs* love you. to jessica, you got to come back to church more often! i miss you, and i need someone to poke when mummy isn't in a good mood =X anyhow, take the stuff and get something to make yourself smile, you definitely deserve it! *hugs* take care babe! love you. well, i should be going now. next saturday, 16, planning on an early outing with the girls. two movies followed by mass later on at night because i'm leaving on sunday morning at 4am. i was thinking of inviting someone else, but nevermind, amanda shall not start world war III. so yes, my bed looks inviting. and i've also cleared my table, somewhat anyhow. so i've got space to work with and i'm planning to keep it that way! i do love space, really i do. ok, i'm beginning to blabber. nights! *pulls reader into a bear hug* sweet dreams. *smacks a kiss on both your cheeks* love you!

<3 you always