good morning.
no, i didn't attend mass this morning. on one hand, i really couldn't get my ass out of bed without the fear of falling asleep on my feet. on the other hand, the dreams kept pulling me back in, and i apparently can't seem to stop them. the dreams, no, nightmares are returning again. i really don't know why it keeps happening. it stops for a while, leaves me in peace, and then comes back with a bloody vengence and i'm helpless against it. after all, how can you fight an invisible villian? and just in case you haven't figured it out already, this post is not going to be cheery or even slightly uplifting in any sense of the word. amanda is brooding, and it seems like nothing can lift my mood, not even you.
the first dream was on friday night. to tell you the entire dream, it would be much too long and extremely nonsensical because the weirdest part about everything? i knew deep down that i was dreaming. because how could nick have brought his lap top to school so i could talk to his friends. how could josceline drive a car around the racing track, with me in the passenger seat. but nevertheless, everything did feel real. the rosary beads in my hand, the heat on my back, the wind in my face. and it was at times like that, that made me really wonder if i wasn't just only dreaming. after all, do you really believe we're the only ones alive in this world? but then again, it could just be my imgaination, i do read a whole lot of nora robert books and they touch on topics or alternate universe. anyhow, i went through the dream. i remember praying. although the part where i was praying kind of fast forward, but i did remember praying. and i can still feel the gut wrenching pain when you called me your sister. and then the story took a twist, something wrong had happened and we had to leave, immediately. i could remember the excitment. of leaving this place, to go somewhere else where i could start all over again. where me and mummy could have a new life and not face all this nonsense. and then, i remembered you. and that pain returned. suddenly, i thought to myself that the dream wasn't real. i wasn't going anywhere, i wasn't going to leave and never see you again. but the pain wouldn't subside and i started crying. and then i woke up, i just opened my eyes and i saw the white of my ceiling. but the pain was still there, and my eyes were wet. i don't know why, but i continued to cry because really, the pain wouldn't go away. so i cried until the pain slowly turned into an aching pain.
the pain of losing someone you really love. ben says he's experienced it before and i believe him. because yes, i have lost someone i really loved before. but it didn't hurt like this, it never hurt this bad. but what does it mean? because i know, that nothing will ever come out from this relationship. crushes come and go, they never make you feel like you'd rather die than suffer with the pain in your chest. it really was never like this with anyone else. yes, even when elvin was asking advise on how to court another girl, it never hurt this bad. but what am i suppose to do? josh tells me to tell him or move on. i want so badly to tell him, but then would rejection hurt more or his ignorance? i mean, he may not want to lose me as a friend and then decides to act like i never said anything. really, i don't know which would hurt more. his rejection or his ignorance. i'm trying desperately to move on, but it's so hard when everything is already intricately tied together. i talked to jessica last night, and the giddy feeling when talking about someone you fancy returned. it made me want to giggle, it made me want to smile and it made me want to just kiss him. how do i move on when all my thoughts revert back to him? i talk to cindy, i try not to talk about him because she just went through a break up but when she asks, everything just gushes out and i'm unable to stop the high feeling i get. when i talk to ben, it just automatically reverts back to him. and i am certain i have found a kindred spirit in ben. with josh, it's hard to contain myself because he knows just about everything that has happened thus far. i'm sincerely trying to stop even discussing him with anyone i talk to. but it's hard, especially when every one decides that they want to talk about their other halves. but let me tell you my second nightmare, it's making me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.
i saw nicholas cheang. we signed up for the same damn cip at some crazy weirdo place. andrew was there, and he refused to keep me company so nicholas couldn't talk to me. i saw a few other people as well, from ij. well, that wasn't as important as the fact that nicholas kept trying to talk to me. to say the least, i was majorly pissed off. for one, he was trying to get back with me. and i don't know how he knew about him but he did say this, "he'll never be yours so you might as well return to me." the gut wrenching pain returned again. but i bit my lip and the tears never came. the rest of the dream wasn't important anymore and everything just blended into one haze. i do remember however, calling ben. we talked and i cried. i don't remember much about what he said, but at least the pain did subside a little. and then, i woke up.
worst way to end a dream, without really knowing what it means. and i refuse to return to nicholas cheang even if i don't ever find out how this relationship with him would turn out. but to tell you the truth, it was an extremely disturbing dream. how could i ever let myself go back to nicholas cheang even if i can't make this work with him. oh goodness, the thought of it is making me sick. seriously! but what does it mean, really? that i should just move on, or just wait? after all, love tried by time is the best, isn't it? but we'll see, because frankly speaking, i don't think anything is going to be happening now, or even in the near future. i already miss him, damn.
well, something good that happened to me yesterday was going to nicholas' ong's place. benjamin, vincent and charlene were there as well (: how can a girl not smile when she's with ben? hahas. nothing much i can write here, i really don't wish to go into any rant that i wouldn't be able to get myself out of. all i can say is that, yesterday, i'm certain i lost another part of my heart. i really need to get tags on my heart, so i don't go losing them at every opportunity. hahas. anyhow, just a short note before i get going.
how do i say i love you without scaring you away? how do i prove, to myself or anyone else, that you're not, never have been and never will be, a replacement for him. how do i know i really love you, and it's not my heart's desperate need to love? because even in five years time, i still see this flame burning for you.
<3 you always
