good afternoon.


i had thought, hopefully, that the day i walked out of that intermediatory room i wouldn't have to ever see your face again. i might have sounded bad then, with my leaving comment on how you really never did try your best. but thinking back now, i think i should have said less, because you deserve nothing from me, not even my words. since then, i've forgotten about you. even the nightmares have slowly but surely disappeared. but now, you've had another negative impact on my life. when will be the day when i can be totally free of you?

i was anxiously waiting, for my future school fees to be settled, at least a huge percentage if not fully. but now, because of you, i'm left with nothing. two thousand dollars. so where exactly can i go with that amount of cash? we still have to pay for this house, the car and the people who call us family. all of which, we need in one way or another family really means nothing in this case, because what help do we get, especially if we deny the questions. would even working for the first 8 months before the uni admission help? perhaps. but my pay would include cpf. that would at least take a few dollars [cpf is 5% right?] off my pay. but i've already thought of another way out, if working for the 8 months doesn't help, i'd just continue working. and hopefully get into university the next year, if that is still possible. *sigh* from every angle, it looks bleak. or maybe i just haven't found the angle which puts this situation in a good light. but whatever a case, this is giving me a very bad migrane. and so i've decided to not dwell on it anymore. maybe, just maybe, something good will happen again.


other than that fact, today has been pretty much miserable. i'm continuing my studying again, and i have just realized that my papers are rather evenly spaced. and mathematics papers are the first few papers i'm taking. history being the last two papers. that way, i'd still have some revision time, which means during the exam period, strictly no internet whatsoever. i've got to remember to inform the bulletin group, in case they think i died somewhere and no one found the body =X wells, that was somewhat a relief, at least that way, i wouldn't have to worry so much. this exam fever is beginning to take a toll on me. aside from my exam, there is that recurring issue of church and friends. i have a short exerpt that i wrote the other day when i was bored, which i will post on later in the day or another time, i'm too tired to even bother now. but about today. i just don't understand why people even bother! you ignore me when everyone else is around, you look through me when everyone is around, you walk past me when everyone is around but when i'm alone, and you're alone, you send a greeting my way. what do you expect me to do? jump for joy that you've finally realized that i'm here? i thought that it was going to be ok, i mean, we really didn't use to talk much either. just a greeting here and there, or sometimes longer conversations to catch up with each other. but now, the only thing i can look forward to is an occasional greeting. and trust me, i don't think i even want that anymore. maybe i haven't heard your side of the story, but is there really that much to tell? you obviously treasure your budding relationship more than friendship. i know, i shouldn't expect everyone to be put friendship over their own love relationship, but really? i guess there is no blame in this situation, there is only a broken friendship and a blooming love. nevertheless, it hurts. but amanda's been hurt so many times, i should be immune to the pain shouldn't i? this closes the discussion on this topic, until i decide to post my other thoughts on friendship and friends, but until then, i guess amanda just has to make more friends to cover up the gaping hole you left in my heart.


i stood in the rain today, and now, i know why people love the rain. i know it might be an annoyance when you're dressed your best and the rain just ruins your clothing. but the rain can really be a soothing friend when you're almost at your lowest. it was somewhat magical today, standing in the rain, feeling the cold droplets of water hit your skin, refreshing your senses. the thought of getting sick did cross my mind, but i guess at a time like then, it really didn't matter as much as finding a moment of peace. it felt good, having the rain come down on me. the cold droplets refreshing my senses and sending shivers throughtout my body. it felt like i was soaking in a tub of ice cold water, the sensations that washed over my body were amazing. but the best thing about the rain is not the way it refreshes you, or the way it wraps you in your own little paradise. the best thing about the rain is that it hides your tears, it hides your fears, it hides your pain. when you close your eyes and listen really closely, you can hear the rain whispering, the comforting hush of the rain. the wind closing around you like a pair of arms pulling you into its embrace. you could scream, you could shout, you could cry, and the rain would never tell anyone. but it'll comfort you, it'll protect you if only for a brief moment. the rain can give you peace, but only if you let it.


aside from the rain, the rest of my day has been pretty much destroyed. but i'm going to start on economics soon, hopefully that would cheer me up somewhat. i still can't believe i'm deriving happiness from studying. i guess you really can get happiness from almost anything. well, i still don't want to talk about him. i wouldn't say i hate him, but i am really not in the mood to even ponder on his actions or what they might mean. although i would really love the see the reaction of his parents if i continuously walk straight into him or if i actually waved when they left. but no, amanda has got to restrain herself. hahas! thanks for reading about my horribly miserable day. i guess since no one ever listens to me, this is my only other outlet. really, i appreciate you taking the time to read it. take care, study hard [if you're taking the 'O's or the 'A's, it's only a few more weeks to go!], play hard [if you've just finished school, end year exams but still a few more years to go before you're done, jia you! only a few more years!] and may god bless you always. all my love!

<3 you always