good evening. before i continue, a happy birthday to my dearest mummy as well as to my didi, benji. another year older, hopefully another year wiser =X


you know how people say that you shouldn't let words hurt you? i thought that after twelve years of verbal abuse, i'd be used to it by now. apparently, i thought wrong. it really does not help being the oldest, and yet the youngest by rank. how many people in today's society bothers about that anymore? but that is beside my point. my point is that, what is the point of being the oldest grandchild, when you've got another cousin whose only 6 months younger than you and yet, considered to be 'older' than you just because her mother was born before yours? out of respect, i take the underlining scarsam. the comments. the jokes. but has it not crossed your mind to give it up, now that i am considered a young adult. sure, my mother might not be as fucking successful as yours or earn as much money a month. but at least, we're trying to support my grandmother, their mother. who are the ones who takes the brunt of it all when she's angry? when she just needs someone to take it out on? but that is just the tip of the iceberg. i don't care if she continues to scream at me for no fucking reason. i don't care if she picks on everything i do to be constantly wrong, no matter how much i change to accomodate her. i don't fucking care. but you know i cannot stand and what is wearing my patience thin? the way she continuously compares me to you. but that really isn't so bad, as you can say i've got used to it. who wouldn't, especially after at least more than five years? but the fact that your mother still is insistant on doing it, comparing me to you, without a valid reason. sure, i understand that she wants to convince everyone that your choice to go to poly was a good one, and that it is the way to go now, as compared to junior college. i understand the misconceptions that people have about other people who are not in the main stream education. i've got friends in the same position as you, and i defend them as i defend you. but of course, you're never there when i do it. what other valid reason does she have? she doesn't want you to lose out to me, who has the prestigious title of the first grandchild? do you even consider that a valid reason? because if you want the title, i would have been more than willing to relinquish my role when we were mere children. because then, i would have never known the pain of a leather belt, or chili in your eyes, or the humilitation of taking the balme for another's desire. if you want those, you can take them, because i'm still suffering from the scars. what other reasons then, does she have that are valid for the way she scoffs. or the implying tones that she uses? because let me tell you, it fucking hurts. i'm doing almost everything in my power to remain civil, but don't let that fool you. because i'm afraid of the day when i'm old enough and rich enough to cut all ties with this family. i'd pay my duty to my grandparents, but other than that, i'd take my mother and leave. sure, it might hurt when i leave because i suppose i am still a family kind of girl. but i would rather bear that hurt, than to continuously bleed with no assistance given to me and no justification of my wounds. at least the wounds i inflict upon myself, are the fault of my own. but the wounds that this family inflicts upon me, i have not been given any justification whatsoever.


finally, that is off my chest. i suppose that the saying, time heals all wounds, isn't exactly true. especially in my case. maybe it's because i still think i love them, that's why the wounds wouldn't heal. not how do you explain the wounds that my father had left, are healed and aren't bleeding anymore? i may honour him, because my religion entitles me to. but i know i don't have love or respect for him. can you really, have respect for a man who left his only child and wife to fend for themselves as he earns a wage of thousand six a month? and can you really, love a person who can still give you nightmares where he can hit you any second, and for no reason or slam you against an object and feel no pain? i'm sorry if you think i'm a heartless bitch, but to me, my father died when i was only 8. this year is coming to an end soon. last year ended on a bad foot, and i cannot say it hasn't got a bit better, or worse. but hopefully this year, it'll end on a much better foot and next year, would be one that i'd happily live out. even a cold hearted bitch needs her good days don't you think?


i still cannot believe that benji's present is not ready! but with my kind of will power, it will be completed before tomorrow's dinner. i'm just putting the finishing touches. my plan of going shopping today has been...smashed. but i suppose there is always tomorrow morning. i will get it before the dinner. i learnt that i'd be seeing the three girls tomorrow at dinner and i'm positively beaming. it's been a year since i last saw them, and the last time i didn't even have much time to hang around them or to see how they were. and to think! they even remembered my birthday. i definitely would have to thank them for the presents. only children seem to be able to make me smile, sincerely. wells, i had better go and get the letter finished and printed out. and just in case you're wondering, his letter has spawned to ten pages. i don't think i'd expand it further, it might be too much =X anyhow, i better go. thank you for reading, i think today's rant has helped me to get it all out. and hopefully, the smiles would be ready the next time i'm needed to encounter such situations. i'm not in need of luck, only lots of patience and tolerance. please. while i'm praying for that, you take care. enjoy the last few weeks of school before the major exams begin and those who aren't taking their major exams, enjoy your time before it's your turn! and if you're working, enjoy work but if you find you're not learning anything now, get a side job. your job should always be fun, that is what i believe. and you should always be learning some thing form your job, otherwise, it's time for you to get another job. oh and before you go, listen to the song "lips of an angel" by Hinder. it's somewhat of a love song, talking about the love between a guy and a girl who are already attached. and how, they never did get over each other. it may be from the wrong perspective, but it's sweet to have that kind of love. take care, god bless and i love you.

<3 you always