good evening.


you ever heard the saying 'god works in mysterious ways'? well i have, and i have also quoted that to quite a number of people. obviously pointing at the way my life is panning out. really, who could find a silving lining in being labelled as a cast away? aisde from having to not be obliged to be nice to people you don't like and stay in the same room as them, especially when their perfume is choking the life out of you. *smiles* wells, something else happened the other day. i had just finished reading a story on fictionpress and with all the nonsense that has been happening around this household, i just decided to post. basically, i pointed out a few things from the church, as well as my current feelings towards everything and everyone. and trust me, somehow, i'm thankful that it was not posted up due to technical difficulties with blogger. i guess there will always be things that cannot be verbally expressed, i suppose that is the downfall of actually having agreed upon codes of conduct which society has to abide by, well, if you are living in that society of course. nevertheless, today's post really wouldn't be that far off. but mainly just amanda venting on personal issues which concerns no one else, unless you're near by or you're family.


first off, i'm getting throughly pissed at not finding a job. there are permernant jobs for administrative assistants and receptionist, yet there are no temp jobs for administrative assistants. and i suppose these few breaks in between the month are what's keeping me from getting a proper job. who actually wants to hire a girl whose going to take leave for the end of the week for her prom, and then an entire week off just to get to hong kong. and she's not even into her first month yet. i'm deciding if i should just try and get a job beginning in december or when i get back from my holiday. that way, no disruptions. i mean, i'd make sure there are no disruptions. but thinking about the trip, thinking about the bills, thinking about grad night, i'm again reconsidering this decision to not find a job. but there is always that lone star that stands up high in the sky for amanda. i have an interview with a data entry thingy tomorrow. we're meeting at amk mrt before finding a guy named 'richard' and then heading off with him. the job time is put as 7am up till 3pm. and there is another ad for a clinic assistant from 6.30pm till 9pm [previous experience not required] and i'm also thinking about that. that way, i've got a double income, and really, it would be great to help the finances in this household. there is also another weekend job at guardian, however if it weren't for the fact i'm not a big pulic speaker, but less promoter, i'm not really keen on the job. but if worst comes to worst, maybe i'd break down, sacrifice myself and get that job. a tad dramatic perhaps, but it's not really like you don't how i am *wink* so with making the situation look much better than before, i actually do feel much better. blogging really does work wonders. maybe it's the knowledge that someone out there is listening to you, lending a listening ear, even if that person is not a friend. now that i feel much calmer, i think i'd get onto my next topic. which if i had done first, i would have said a whole bunch of hurtful nonsense without thinking. although i am still considering even after calming down, because really, how in hell do you expect me to live in this place?!


one mistake i made today, was to sleep in the afternoon. i took a nap, because i was frustrated at the lack of job opprtunities and i knew myself. if i had not taken that nap, i would have snapped at my mother, my grandmother and anyone else that dared to get in my way. even my darling would not be spared. and by darling, i meant the one that sleeps with me and follows me around all day on four legs: my dog. anyhow, i slept for around 2 hours before i was rudely awoken by my grandmother. and if you know me, i'm a dead sleeper. you might be lucky if i wake up to answer you, but if there really is no motivation, i wouldn't move and inch and promptly fall back asleep if all is quiet even 2 minutes. so i obviously fell back asleep, second mistake of the day! she woke me up again and since she did sound a bit angry, i kicked my mother to get up. after all, she's the one with the higher will power to get out of bed. my speciality is losing weight. third mistake amanda made, trying to wake her mother when she's obviously tired. and so all those mistakes and i had a grandmother shouting that she would again throw out the food and threaten to never cook for us again. and trust me, she's pulled out that card one too many times that all we can do is nod, grit our teeth and eat. even if we've just had a 10 course dinner. trust me, it is that bad. so mother shouted and got out of bed. amanda sat in bed and cursed everything she saw before lugging herself out of bed and to help set the table. i tried to humor my mother, which was blantly and painfully hit down how can you blame a girl for trying! and so i decided to just shut my mouth, shut my mind down and become a robot. oh, another thing to mention, i've got a new motto: Smile, Nod, Pretend. perfect isn't it? so i sat there and decided that since i was going to be a robot, no use in eating food without the small pleasures. so i got all my things, kept my mouth shut obviously not when i was eating, and kept my thoughts at bay. and then, mother insisted on making the situation worse by totally ignoring my grandmother. and so i had to be the bloody fucking intermediary. and it took all of my self control not to take all the glass/crystal items we had in the house and throw them against the next available wall. i wanted to scream at them, hit them, both of them. and i gripped the plate so hard i was almost sure i was going to break it. for the next few minutes, i did what grandmother asked, before going back into my room. and despite my efforts at talking to her, mother ignored me. and this time, it took everything and more for me not to throw the plate of mango slices at her back. and i wouldn't give a damn even if she hit me or screamed at me. sometimes, i feel like rebelling. maybe this really is how rebellious children feel. they'd do anything, and i mean anything just to get their parent's attention. even if it meant for the papers to hate them. *sigh* what really is becoming of me, the once goody two shoes girl whose now deciding to work just to feed her impending clubbing habits and isn't going to leave a cent for her university education. but amanda has more sense than that huh? i hope so, because this dark abyss that i am being sucked into, the hole is beginning to close around me, and i can hardly breathe.


so that is what has been happening in my life lately. my new motto is much thanks to the latest fictionpress story i read, reason and romance. i suppose my new motto is very much an all emcompassing motto for any type of situation. and seeing as how i might be getting into quite a few of those situations, i guess this is my best bet yet. i know SNP would mean that i'd constantly keep my thoughts to myself, but looking at how past situations panned out, i think this would give my future situations a new look and hopefully new outcomes. even if i'm still uncomfortable with the new outcomes, i suppose anything really beats the old outcomes. well, i suppose now that all that is off my chest i would go and relieve some tension by playing maple. i know it's a horrible addiction game and it's a horrible relationship i have with the game, but even every normal person needs an addiction even though addictions are bad. at least i'm not addicted to sex [that's my silver lining for this dark cloud] but then again, i have yet to experience the wonderful act or as potrayed by the media today and who knows? i may be addicted to sex, hahas! good luck to my husband =X


well, i should go now. i've up dated my wish list, seeing as how christmas is around the corner. yet all my thinking of actually getting presents have all been fried. i can clearly forget about getting presents from my immediate family. if they remember, good on them but seeing as how the past holidays and celebrations have passed, it's better to not receive anything that to have calculative relatives. next we move on to my friends. i really don't expect anything. i must admit the things that i want are clearly off the range of a student, especially a non working student. and no, i don't expect my friends to spend their allowance money on me. and where does that leave me with? myself, obviously. maybe i'd work hard and buy something nice for myself. or maybe i'd clean out my room and house of anything that has to do with nicholas, look at it as a christmas and new year present to myself. no use pining for a guy when he obviously doesn't give a fuck. and did i mention that he still has another girl on the side? i doubt his mother knows, if she did, he probably would really be cut off from the world aside from when he goes to school. nevertheless, i plan on getting my information right before i actually do anything. and if you're wondering if i'm planning on screwing him over, what do you think i should do? because from where i'm standing, revenge is beginning to look really delicious. even if it's surrounded by the fires of hell. great, now i'm making all these lame jokes. i need to get away from this place! someone, anyone date me out!


i really should be going, three hours before prison break starts, after which i'd head to bed. and wish me luck for tomorrow. although the timings are weird, and the pay isn't really that fantastic, at least i'm getting some income. and if the amount of money put there is what i'd be getting a day, $38, that really wouldn't be too bad would it? at least i'd get a minimum if $150 a week. although it is much less that when i got previously, but if this job gets me out of the house, the only question i have now is 'why not?'. wells, i really gotta go. thanks for reading, it really helps knowing someone out there, anyone, is actually reading this blog. because in this cold world of mine, a little concern from anyone can really bring me a long way. so, thank you. take care and god bless. sleep early, despite it being the holidays, sweet dreams and don't let the bed bugs bite. i love you.

<3 you always